Good Dawn Hunting

Sean: Maybe *you're* perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will; that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...
Good Will Hunting

Iv said it before ill say its again, i am not perfect I am a bruised apple fallen down to the ground and laying with the rest of the bunch. I'm going to hell almost every morning by 8 am because i curse like a sailor. Was raised with, it am married to it and i guess its just a hard habit to break. No i lie, smoking is a hard habit to break cursing is just a filthy uncontrolled outbreak of poor word choice.
I live most days with my heart on my sleeve. open . no body armor. And if you know me ...no no if you KNOW me , then you know that. You know i live unprotected from even myself.
Because of it i get hurt. I feel pain. I have had my heart broken and my feelings trampled more times than i can count, but i would rather feel it all, all that life has to offer than to stay shut away closed off and dying inside. Yes its true, if you don't put yourself out there you feel little pain, but you feel even less happiness.
This week has been rough. The world has been trying to slap me down. And i have been
doing my best to give the other cheek. But i am not in the business of weakness. If there is one thing i cannot stand is for people to expect me to chase them down. I wont . I will not do it. I had a "friend" delete me from their face book page and they did this several days ago...now today its why haven't i asked them why??
why would i?? If it was a mistake then you would add me again , if it was on purpose then i will have to know that God had a reason and a purpose and my place in your story must be over...and i can let it go just as easily as you let me go.
But then you would be mad at me for that...that i can "let" you go so easily. You were never tied to me through face book , you didn't shut me out, delete me, disable me through social networking...no no you severed the tie that was forged in REAL life not online facades...
I have been deleted , i have had 2 people point out to me this week some horrible faults i have, i had a neighbor tell a outright lie about me, and to top it all off i got called a biblethumper AGAIN from the same person who told me at one point "yeah i don't do GOD so i wouldn't normally keep you on my friends list but i love your deals.
Let me tell you something, from this deleted faulty bible thumping mama..
then let me go.
If I'm not working in your life ...let me go..if i make you mad and irritate you with my love of the Lord then delete me, If my imperfect ways are dragging you down then cut me loose, if your tongue cant find a nice word to say about me then stop talking to me, if my blog aggravates you then don't read it, if your vain enough to think everything i write is about you then so be it. You don't want to deal with me then ....don't.
I CANNOT please everybody.
My husband told me today but you have me...and you have the kids and that's everything, you know us and you know we love you unconditionally no matter good or bad.....
So yes i guess i could quit living in such full hue but then i wouldn't be me anymore i would be a watered down version of myself....
I am sorry this post had to go on blast but enough is enough. Tear me down , tear me apart, but the fact still remains...that i would still rather put it all out there into all the unsafe places , into all the failed relations,broken friendships and worldly ties that makes losing hurt...if you have lost it means you tried for something. Which is better than winning nothing.
And if it means i get deleted or lied about then its worth it, because for every crappy thing that has happened so far this week 100 more amazing things have happened right along side it.
Praise be to GOD that my back doesn't bow only my heart sinks a little....

s.o.t.d
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.
(Psalm 37:24)