Bear all things

The strength of the ringbearer is failing. In his heart, Frodo begins to understand..




In my heart ...i want to come here and write beautiful things. Meaningful things. They are there, inside of me. And maybe they lie in wait and all kind of moments pass by when i could write them down. But I'm to busy living them...
  And that is what we strive for i think.To have moments worth remembering, worth reflecting upon. But i don't understand anymore if i truly lack the time to share it all here,or if its that i avoid it anymore...why why why
Because my heart is bursting at the seams with just about everything. And these things come to me and i understand that it is not chance. I am meant to hear them see them live them. 
Its something i tell you to be blessed with open ears and arms and have those who would speak to you trust you confide in you come...come to safety. And yet the battle is NOT mine, it is Gods. I know this and i try to shuffle through the feelings i harbour that i should  be able to fix things, make things better and have good advice. In these past few months its about all i can do to hear another heartbreaking thing from those i love and care for deeply. And then i reflect into my own pond, and find comfort in what i have and strength in what i have experienced and guilt for all i have been blessed with and i don't know if its a trade off you know? Pain for purpose. 
 I do not ever take for granite what i have. what i have been given. But i feel the pull of expectation, from that blessing.That i cannot grow tired. I cannot get old, too many people need me. That i cannot rest, there is so much work to be done. I feel like i am under Gods thumb but trying to duck because he knows me. He knows my name. He knows what he can put on my shoulders and what load i can handle down to the last ounce of weight. He watches me to see if i will do the right thing. He knows that i will not say no.
That i will carry anything , finish any task, bear any burden he sends my way. Because i cannot ever ever repay him for what he has given to me.
If i have ever deserved anything good at all in my life, i owe it to the fact that Jesus is the king of my heart, and anything i have or do i give praise to him for. 
It has been the longest road of my life to stand where i do today.
I just feel like i am in need of prayer. somebody pray for me to just keep doing the right thing...which of course is not the easy thing.

Mortality

As the years drive on it is without question that heartbreaking events such as losing those you love and care about bring you to your knees and make you look at your own mortality. That you are walking under a big beautiful sky everyday and without thought most days we take it for granted that we are even up and walking. I am sorry that my last real entry was so short but i had to take a call from my friend Kristen and i had been waiting all day to speak directly with her. And for over an hour until after midnight we talked and cried and held onto things so that the crushing nature of our conversation would not let our knees give out because by the end i know i could barely stand. And i cried when i heard the news, standing in a Toys R Us, i knew someone was dead by the way my husband said my name when i answered my phone. And i cried driving home. And i cried for 12 hours straight until past midnight and the phone call, my husband came to get me and lead me to bed to lay down because my eyes were so swollen i could barely see where i was going. And i woke up crying.
 I feel my mortality. I see the next year layed out before me and know it in my heart that this event is the start of what will be a very very long road. My husband is beside himself in grief. For Kenny, for Kristen and the kids and Karen her mother. And for me. And us. And all the things that just are never going to be the same.
 Last night as we were with each other i dont think we could touch enough, kiss enough, or hold each other enough, in an outward display of love and grief coming together to try and make sure we are both still here ...for now.
And i never ever understood until now what these soldiers feel when they say i feel guilty for being alive still after surviving when another did not. Because i feel that now. Just last week Kristen and I spoke of our future, and where we would all retire, and trips we would take and cocktails we would drink and now its all black, and i feel like i cant think about anything except how damn sorry i am that Kenneth B Elwell is not here anymore.
My husband has so few people he becomes close too, so few people who can handle his personality because he just doesnt talk much and is not exactly engaging company. And Kenny never cared. And they did everything from attend our daughters first birthdays together, to put up xmas lights together (Kenny LOVED xmas)  to go to Drill Sgt school together, deploy together, and in his final wishes he asked for Highlander to be a pall bearer should something happen to him.
So it is that our family will travel to Arlington National Cemetery to watch our friend and comrade be laid to final rest. And watch our kids play together under what will be gray skies and yet without them knowing they are the only sunshine available in all this. 2 kids who as i watch them grow up will never ever let me forget their father who paid the ultimate price, so that the rest of us can be free.
As we drink our Starbucks, and ponder what movies are coming out and what we will take out for dinner tonight. I ponder how my friend is going to live without a part of her heart for the rest of her life.
 I know that since the night i heard Dave died so many years ago i have never ever been the same, and I'm not ever going to feel ok. I could not know that God was preparing my heart Sunday morning in service, as they talked about The Twelve memorial stones in Joshua.4:1-24  Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; 5 and Joshua said to them: "Cross over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, 'What do these stones mean to you?'
 These stones are a reminder of a tough time, and impossible circumstance that the mighty hand of God came and made a way.A passage to a better place when there was no visible way through. 
 And i still bear my stone in my heart from all those who we lost before and now facing this terribly close loss i search my heart and my faith for that stone that i may be strong again. And that i will see that i did make it to the other side and am eternally grateful for the reminder that stone brings to my life. I praise God in this storm not for all that i see and feel is lost , but for giving me experiences and points of hope in all this despair that i can call upon to make me available to be strong for my friend in her time of need.


2 Corinthians1:3-4   What a wonderful God we have-He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy,
    and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials.And why does he
    And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement,
    we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.


I pray that God will use myself and my family as a source of comfort to their family in this terribly sorrowful time and that i would be able to handle whatever task that i am asked to do with grace and composure.

Just Breathe - Pearl Jam

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean, ah-ah...

Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

Soul crushing

 http://www.vosizneias.com/news/photos/view/601475669

Landslide

I feel like a landslide has brought me down. Our dear friend 1sgt Kenny Elwell was killed in action in afghanistan today. Our families were very very close. Their daughter Elise is my Pillows best friend. We survived a very emotional first deployment together , where we attended many services for those we lost in our company. And now the service will be for my friends husband, our friend, and another american hero is gone...just like that. And i have been crying since about 1oclock today.

Shake me down

And so it begins, a long road that actually begins without fan fare, without emotions or tears just a few pieces of paper also known as "orders". Its what tells time right now, in that there isn't much time left together as a family or  a couple. Soon i will go to bed alone and wake up alone. My grocery bill wont be so high and eventually my husbands Harley shirt's and socks will disappear from the loads of laundry i do every day. And i think maybe for the time i have spent thinking about it i have spent equal amounts of time avoiding it. In my heart and in my mind i just move away from it , like the plague. But with those orders things change. And so does my approach, i call the star card the insurance and cell companies letting them all know he is getting ready to deploy. And in my heart i feel nothing and everything.

But I'm like rolling thunder,

Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the-
I'll keep my eyes fixed on the-
I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun

Shake me down,
Not a lot of people left around, ooooh, ooooh