Dear Kenny,
I heard the news you were gone while standing inside a Toys R us with my son and his friend. It was Highlander calling and i knew by the way he said my name that someone was dead. My mind raced to think who..my dad? My mom? And he then said have you talked to Kristen today...i said what happened to Kenny. He stumbled the words out"Kenny was hit..." and i said "Is he ok?" He was silent for a moment and i could hear the strain in his breath and said "He is gone". I feel flush, i start to sweat, tears are rolling, i motion for my son and his friend and we start to head outside. Its ridiculously hot in El Paso , the sun is blaring down on me, i am crying, i tell my son the news and he gets angry and concerned, he is saying to me" They should check more, maybe its not him". I hear him and his friend whispering together about mistaken identity..it happens all the time. I look at him and say " You know the Army would not have sent the word unless it was really him,stop it". I search for my cell phone and think twice. Do i call Kristen or call her mother Karen who happens to be visiting in Alaska at the moment because you were originally supposed to be on leave but plans had changed and your leave was changed, but Karen had still gone fwd and was there. I dial her phone, she answers, we talk briefly i cry uncontrollably throughout the conversation, and i hang up. I take my son to finish getting his skateboard and we leave to go home, my phone is ringing off the hook with friends far and wide calling to make sure i had heard the horrible news about you. Yes yes i had. I go home to find my husband waiting at the threshold of the garage door, he is waiting for me. He sends the kids inside and we stare at each other in disbelief. He looks so despondent, so damn sad, he is no longer worried about looking tough he is worried about Kristen and the children . We wait and wait, and finally that night i get the call from my friend and i sit in my garage for over an hour crying and listening and talking. You left in your legacy book instructions and wishes one of which was for Highlander to be a pall bearer and you wanted to be laid to rest at Arlington National cemetery in Va. Highlander was set to deploy, mortuary services are backed up, time goes by very slow , we wait for word on a date for your wake and funeral. And we wait to hear if command will let Highlander hop the last flight so that he can attend your final formation. Finally we hear the word yes he can go but will leave to Iraq to deploy within days of your funeral services. We pile everyone into the minivan even Highlanders dad and take a 3 day journey across country to the services. We arrive into town and immediately go out to dinner with all your old friends and family members. Kris and I do a shot in the bar so her Dad doesn't see lol and i feel like its all a dream. The pillow and your daughter are embracing and laughing and inseparable as if they never left each others side. My son is making your son laugh with different apps on his cell phone....we give the kids big bags of toys and books and say goodbye until tomorrow. That night i stay awake crying with Highlander because the next day was your wake. We walk into the funeral home and i am caught off guard by the sign in book with a family portrait that sit above it. All of you from your brothers wedding.I stare at it a moment and feel so effing sad that your gone.And i file into a pew with my whole family. And even The Rock is quiet as if he understands its quiet time for everyone. We sing amazing grace, we listen to people talk, but the whole time i am staring at a crack in the back of the pew in front of me because its all i can focus on without breaking down. We file past your flag draped coffin, pay our respects. And then we leave but Highlander and many others stay to have a crown royal toast to you. I wait at the hotel watching the kids swimming and wait to hear word to go pick up Highlander from the funeral home. And when i go he is standing outside alone, all cars gone, and he looks broken. That night everyone went out to dinner, you would have loved it, seeing everyone from 2-69 days.But it was crazy loud and hard to hear..we drive back through Washington dc get into the hotel and fall asleep knowing that tomorrow was the day.
I awake with Highlander sitting next to me on the bed. He tells me i am crying even in my sleep, he tells me to get up and get ready and get the kids ready we leave soon. I watch him put on his uniform his dress blues, and i feel odd because normally we are going to a ball if he has thoseon.Before we get into the car i steal the entire box of Kleenex from the hotel bathroom.... we get into the car and drive to Arlington. When we arrive i am overtaken at how majestic it looks. Lots of statues and a big entry point that looked as if it were from roman times. We wait there for what seems like forever a line of cars a mile deep. And then suddenly we start to move. We drive through a small winding road that cuts through the cemetery, looking out upon a thousand white headstones.People stop and line the road as they see your procession pass. We come to a stop and get out of our cars and stand in a crowd watching, where the horse drawn caisson is waiting and we watch as they transfer you from the hearse to the back of the caisson.The old guard is immaculate , almost spectacular. The honorary pall guards stand in perfect form. And although i have attended more than a few military funerals in the past few years i am unprepared for the sound of the drums as they start and continue in a haunting sound in procession as we make our way out to your spot. I cry the whole walk. I cant stop. We get to your place and there are so so many there to watch as you are laid to rest, even the secretary of defense. The service starts, at one point i believe a B-52 is flown directly over. I fiddle with my Kleenex, my hands shake uncontrollably. I cannot see Kristen there are too many in front of me. The volleys go off and i jump at the first one. Flooded in grief along with everyone else standing there. And just like that its over. We make our way to Ft Myer for a luncheon in which we also say our goodbyes to everyone we have not seen in years. Everyone comments on what a beautiful fitting place it is you are laid to rest in. I am left with a impression that will stay with me forever, and i know i will be back to see you and others who are there again someday. Kenny, your wife was the picture of grace and strength throughout, the love in her heart for you burned so bright it was holding her up. Some wait a lifetime to find what you two shared. I am humbled by what i witnessed, i am forever changed by the loss of your light, and i grateful beyond words to know that i live in the home of the free because of the brave like you. You never asked for much, and much like Highlander you were a sweet quiet humble man who loved his wife his children and his country. And there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about you. Think about all of us, the friendship that our families shared and still do, the love you shared with your wife your best friend, those little red headed babies you were so good at making, and how happy you were when you were putting out the Xmas decorations and lights. I bought a sympathy card for Kristen,its very pretty, it even has sparkly stuff on the front, and i never filled it out cause it seemed to sad. Then i bought her a I'm always here for you card, its purple and looks well..to damn happy. I didn't fill that out either. I cant. I cant sum up the way i feel in a card, I'm just so damn sad and mad and upset Ken cause the world is different now. And alot of things are different now. And i have no idea how things will play out into the future. But i do know that i love you, Highlander loves you and it is a promise to you , a testament to our families friendship, that we will never leave your family behind. We will love them till the day we die. And that is a promise. I have to go now Ken. And this is going to close things out , i know you will watch over everyone, i know you've already been hard at work as an angel to so many and that you are at The Lords righteous right hand. I can barely see straight after writing all this. God Bless you and the ultimate sacrifice you made. Some people were born to be a soldier...and i know you were. Ill be seeing you...........
And the peace of God, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. << Philippians 4:7 >>
