“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Yesterday i was suffering sooo bad from allergies, my eyes were literally swollen and puffy and itchy as i will get out so looking at a computer screen was not at the top of my list...then today was spent catching up on bills and errands and finally date night with the Highlander...he was given a few more days till he has to leave for a month so i was really glad as we haven't had a chance to spend much time together as of late because of all the training and such and going to the field.
We really didn't do much , went to eat and then did some shopping ...bought each of the kids a small surprise just for no reason which is always fun. We are all of us still feeling a bit under the weather so after we picked up the kids we just came home to chill out.
As i sat at dinner i looked around the room and saw how many people just sit and stare at each other mindless and munching and really they are someplace else. The dining dead so to speak. Horrified i had to scan my thoughts quickly to see how much conversation i had with highlander and to make sure i don't turn into one of THEM! Luckily when i am around there is no shortage of conversation only maybe oxygen :)
I picture our future sometimes and try to imagine what it will be like when we don't have to find daycare , arnt sleep deprived and overworked and are out and away from this crazy army life! Honestly no clear picture would form because well i cant even imagine it. It will be insane! I will say i am soooooo glad i had all my kids while i was fairly young, i am seriously not understanding how some people do it at like 44 and 45 that is when ill be sleeping!! I love my children but the workload these days is insane. Just does not leave alot of time for about anything else. I don't even really find joy in going over to other peoples houses or bbq's or such because the truth is with The Rock its more stressful than relaxing...he has his occasions when he acts fine and all is well but go to an event on a off day for him and pay the price ...steeply. So these days i find myself more alone than not..and i am not sure why but i kind of like it. I have my moments where i miss being a social butterfly but i know i will see a new reign of the days again in the future...for now i am just tired lol. The Bible tells us we must not grow weary in doing good for at the right time we will reap a harvest ....i like to believe that is what is in store for me.
Its also somewhat tough for me to relate to alot of the younger military wives, i am just a seasoned soul i guess and i have a hard time relating because i am past most of the stages they are in. Not that i cant enjoy the company i just have seen alot and it has altered my perspective...field time, ntc and jrtc month long rotations hell even deployments(sort of) have just sewn themselves into the fabric of my soul, its never "easier" its just it is my life and rather than fight the powers that be i have gleaned enough grace to just accept that this is the way the cards have played out.
I am working on Halloween costumes and my 545 project ...beginning the long descent into the Christmas list madness ....and prepping my mind to work out holiday details. Decisions decisions.
This is a good time of year for me the drum is beating loud in my heart and my fire is stoked with little effort from all the "things" to do :)
Somewhere to go, something to do, someone to love.....
I am often asked what keeps my marriage strong...and its funny because its never the thing that people expect me to say. Forgiveness. One of the biggest things that people do is they cant forgive...either their spouse or their self or the past. Look , we all fall short ....almost daily but its in the pursuit right...of happiness and love and future. I was a hard sell on forgiveness because well dammit i had rights ...right? A right to be mad , to be sad , i was JUSTIFIED! I mean i could continue to work myself up about something and stay in a state of anger or sadness for days on end...killing all hope of getting what i really wanted which was love. At this point i have literally spent YEARS away from my spouse, and all i can tell you is that love is not enough and neither is money. You have to have forgiveness. Maybe its forgiving yourself, that is tough to do, o how we love our precious guilt, but in the end you have to let go of all that baggage and dead weight or else it ends up owning you and hijacks your outlook on life.
The last thing i want to say is tonight as i stared out the window i thought about how much i love God and how i am so grateful that in all the cracks and all the dark places i have had to walk, in many disappointments and places of discontent, i have been able to fill in the negative space with the hope i have in Jesus. What a promise we have to brighten our day. For he cares for me and he cares for you. I have said it before that the Lord found me in a casino and if he can find me there he can find you.
If you are lost , if you are wandering , if you have strayed please know its not too late, just come back to the fold.
SO what did Dawn learn today...
What does the word Won-Ton mean?
The name won ton means swallowing a cloud, and the won tons floating in this popular soup are thought to resemble clouds.......
well now i know..
As if i don't have enough pet projects when i grow tired of the learn something new everyday i plan on doing meet someone new every day. How many of us know the name of our postman or the butcher at Sam's club or the cafeteria lady at our child's school...maybe even a neighbor! It destroys me that we live in such a cold keep to yourself society...and i ponder how cool it would be to meet and greet people by name and actually form a connection to the face you see...to people who service you. I mean look at The Brady Bunch ...you ever notice how they address everyone by name and already have a long standing repore with them...that is nice. I like that.
Yeah its OK I'm weird i know it and i accept it. :)
The hour grows late and i am getting old..picture me drinking orange tea , puttering around my house, reading, thinking, pacing, i love it. Goodnight.
S.O.T.D.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you
Ephesians 4:31-32
No comments:
Post a Comment