Anyways.........

Which one of these can you relate to...take your pick.
Its like reading a whos who list of my life lol/Thank you to ------ for sending this around again as it really struck a chord. I cant wait Halloween is coming , my lover is going to be home soon and the holiday season fast approches...the world is wonderful when it is full Enjoy and be blessed....and do it anyways :)

Mother Teresa placed it on her children's home in Calcutta

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but will attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

S.O.T.D.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

All things new

"Behold I Make All Things New"



So yesterday was kind of a crazy day...The Rocks normal Sunday school teacher was not there and so he had to sit thru the first half of service with us which was uhh interesting lol. He did get up and dance to the music at one point and i felt very blessed that he is here and he is mine, and glory to God for he as well as the pillow are a miracle by all accounts...most of you know but for the few who may not i had my tubes tied after i had my second child and i had my tubes untied several years after highlander and I were already married and was pregnant within 2 months of having them undone :). With God ALL things are possible!
I cant believe i wear reading glasses now! And the more i wear them the more i see (no pun intended lol) that i REALLY needed them! Oh my i was straining my eyes so bad i can see (hehe) a huge difference in how i feel from not straining now :)
Its always the small things that can mess you up, the pebble in your shoe, a paper cut to the finger, but i think the key is to take the time to stop and actually figure out what the problem is and then fix it and carry on.
Last night i thought alot about myself my actions and how all of it is bound up to create my life...and its a crazy one for sure. But you know what its mine. And this is me. One of my greatest attributes is that i know how to live to see another day.
Do you even understand how valuable that is?
My husband made me laugh so hard last night ..we have been joking back and forth about being ufc fighters for Halloween and creating an octagon in the front yard....as i lamented to him last night how i feel like nobody understands me , he said well that's cause your hard to understand..you just don't fit into any mold.
I said yeah and hows that, he said well let me see if i can explain....its like your the sweetest girl in the world but you have one of the strongest personalities.
And just when i thought he was about to lecture me on how I'm not every body's cup of tea...he says "if you were to actually get into the octagon with someone for a fight . they would have to break your arm in order to stop the fight because short of that you would NEVER tap out....right?" But people would not bet on that with you it would surprise them.
I was dying with laughter at this point because as we joked about brawling in our front yard the other day he told me he would own my butt and i said NEVER i will never tap out you would have to kill me first and he said i know....that's the problem with you lmao!
ahh Highlander you make me smile wide, and as long as he understands me that is all that truly counts
I am lucky to have such a wise man in my life.
I am glad that today was a new day, the sun was shining i have my beautiful kids my loving husband and devoted dogs. a nice home, and am blessed to have a God that can make all things new. For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.
All we can do is wake up with the knowledge that he loves us and wants us to be happy and will help guide our path. He alone weighs the heart.
s.o.t.d
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Matthew 7:3

Rain down on me

I am under my umbrella and dreaming.


s.o.t.d.
PSALM 139
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Why we should all run our own race...after all we are born to do just that.

You never know how far you can go unless you run. (secretariat)
So the house is finally quiet, had a wonderfully lazy early part of the day where i putzed around in my new butterfly thermal pajama bottoms :). Then tried taking my son and his friend to the skate park on post only to see it be closed again ...ugh. Not sure what is up with that but it is frustrating. Then later in the afternoon i took the little kids to the drop in weekend daycare for a few hours while the older 2 and I went and saw secretariat and then hit the goodwill to look for the components to my son Herbs Halloween costume. He is going to be a old man! He is a great character actor and does amazing voice impressions,,,so i think it is going to be a awesome idea as i know he will really get into it. I'm trying to talk him into carting around a bunch of balloons like the old man in the movie Up.
Cant wait till my love comes home, so far i have been lucky to get to talk or text every day since he left, but they are getting ready to go out to the box where they cant take their cell phones...but once out he should be loading up to fly home soon ! Hooray!
I bought a really cool jacket for church at the goodwill tonight and my kids just rolled their eyes "oh mom its too old looking" what???
But then i looked at them and said IF I'M OLD YOU MADE ME THIS WAY LOL
They really enjoy when they have my time and attention, to be without the little ones for a few hours is a nice break for us all. I can tell the older 2 relish that time . It was something i started to do when Highlander was deployed last time...
So the thing i got from watching this movie which by the way is a GREAT family movie! Is how wonderful and beautiful it is to see this horse be born and live and accomplish what he was put here to do...in his case to run. He is a race horse after all. And can you imagine if we all fufilled our purpose so perfectly as did secretariat? To be able to look back down the track and see we have broken far away from the pack and are running our OWN race,doing what we are meant to do.
Is there anything more beautiful than to do what we are meant to do?
Like a woman giving birth..we were put here as female to essentially give new life. Which is why each and every time i gave birth i felt so fufilled , because it WAS what i was put here to do...be a mother. Not to say those who adopt or such are not fufilled...no contrary they probably are more so because they went out there and went after their destiny with hard work and then a wonderful reward ....to be a parent. To have a child.
Or to see a doctor use his hands for surgery
or a painter create art.
To just be able to pursue what we are here for....
Amazing. And the owner played by Diane Lane..she was a mother of 4 kids and she was a fighter! So refreshing and uplifting. I Love horse racing anyways ..iv had my eye on Zenyatta and i cant wait for the next big race :)
Well church tomorrow so i better get some rest in , seems i close my eyes and its already time to wake up...
Hope to get a craft in tomorrow afternoon with the kids if i do ill post the pics :)
Night
s.o.t.d.
"I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."
Romans 9:17

Thanks Dolly

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
Dolly Parton

s.o.t.d.
1 Peter 4:12-13,19
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed... So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

Hidden in plain view

Ms. Nora Digger Dinsmoor: She'll only break your heart, it's a fact. And even though I warn you, even though I guarantee you that the girl will only hurt you terribly, you'll still pursue her. Ain't love grand? (Great Expectations)

Bob: You know I'm retired from hero work.
Edna: As am I, Robert, yet here we are.
(The Incredibles)
I love that line.....


I must be the most unexpected housewife on the block.
Deeper lighter and darker than i could ever look on the surface
Filled with all my life
Walking around filled with so many others lives
Try to make it all count
If there is a war that ever was waged that was worth fighting for, i guess that would be for love.
There is such a fine line that one must walk in matters of the heart.
I took a chance that probably 99 % of the population did not think would be worth it let alone work out.
But here we are.
I Have grown ever more cautious in my ripe old age (hehe)
And when i see those i love take risk
i want to launch after them with a roll of charmin
wrapping them up
binding them up
to cushion the impact
in case they fall
But really God did not put me in the toilet paper business
he put me in the business of love
so i feel things so deeply
because i have loved deeply and lost
and i have loved deeply and won
and the distance between the two is about a centimeter at best
Blink and you could fall off the face of the planet.
Who am i to give advice right?
I married my husband after a short 4 month courtship. on the heels of demise.
It was supposed to be a rebound...so i was told
Which rebound by definition is
1. To spring or bounce back after hitting or colliding with something.
I guess i collided with true love
But how could i have known it would all work out?
Truth is i didnt
I just took a chance
And he had to convince me for it was saying yes to doing something that was offbeat
but when i did
I regained my heartbeat.
For i had lost the sparkle that was my life, trapped in something that defined me but was not me.
I just don't know it had to be divine intervention right?
Cause he was supposed to break my heart and leave me after the excitement wore off
and instead
he found me
and although nobody would probably believe me because i agree it seems to good to be true
We have an amazing love, its not sparks its fireworks when we are together, its my heart skipping a beat every time he walks in my door
and my heart dropping 10 feet every time he leaves.
Its a ironclad knowledge that this is true love.
That when we see each other after any time apart it is like 2 puzzle pieces that complete a bigger picture.
I have often wished that for everybody.
God please help someone i care about to make the right choice for you are not the God of confusion but of peace.
I thought i was retired from being a hero for love
and yet here i am...pouring my heart out yet again.
S.O.T.D.
God has poured out his love into our hearts.
- Romans 5:5

Some things last

- Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothing lasts, and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.
The curious case of Benjamin Button


When we went to Disneyland this past summer i knew it was going to be tough. With my son being Autistic and having crazy sensory issues i knew Disney would be a challenge but what i did not expect was that it would inspire my heart and reaffirm why God trusted me so much he gave me such a special angel.
I woke earlier than everyone and went to bed last every day in order to get everything ready for a happy day.
I carried my son till my arms wanted to break off because he was scared of alot of things and overstimulated at times. But as long as i was holding him he was willing to keep going...and so was I.
I held him close when fireworks went off bracing him as to not have the jolt of sound scare him.
I never let go of him on any ride that was dark even if all i could do was hold his hand.
I sat and watched him run through water sprinklers while everybody else rode the rides because that is what he needed at the moment.
I waited in a line for 45 minutes to get his fries since that is all he would eat.
I begged Buzz Light year out loud as he started to walk away from a meet and greet 'one more please for my son" shouting so loud everyone within Tommorowland turned to look.
Buzz stopped and motioned for my son to come over even though he could see he was scared and unsure he waved at him and my son was over the moon.
I pretended i didn't care that i didnt get to ride Indiana Jones so that i could stay with him because he wanted to watch the water coming out of a bamboo pipe over by the tiki room waiting area.
I gave him my Dole Whip the one and only treat i really had been craving so he would stop crying.
On the last day as we headed out to the trams my son tired, loopy, sleepy, half smiling as i carried him said "happy, me"
I stopped and said "your happy?"
He said YES
My son was happy and he was TELLING me with words, and he was looking me in the eye and being so cute and so loving.It was all worth it , all the pain, and the exhaustion. All for love. I wanted that moment to last forever and it has in my mind.

Some things last. Like that memory.

Praise to The Lord for all my children whom are my life. My joy . And my example.
That i would be good. A good mother. To great children.
what a blessing.
S.O.T.D.
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. (Joshua 1:9 )
EVEN AT DISNEYLAND :)
Goodnight

THE HOUR IS LATE

So yesterday went really well with taking 7 kids to church and all lol. Then later in the afternoon i took them all to the bowling alley and it was alot of fun. The Rock loves to bowl and usually bowls about 6 or 7 games to every 1 of the other kids.
Then at the end of bowling all the kids were running in different directions and as i was trying to gather everyone together The Rock ran all the way to the end of the alley by the door , so i went down there and all the kids followed. Some lady who works there came over and tried to make a comment that i was leaving and needed to finish up paying for the rest of the games. I just looked at her like are you serious? Like im going to try and walk out with 7 kids and not pay, and further more i wasn't even out the door or anything just at the end of the alley. I was really ticked and told her that she should not say things like that unless they see someone actually leaving like out the door. She did seem kind of embarrassed after she i think saw i was merely chasing down my gang of kids.
Then we came home and kids finished up bathing and homework and sparingly it wasnt to bad getting everyone to sleep.
I finally racked out after laying in bed wide awake and just thinking...about so many many things. I keep myself awake when i should be falling asleep.
And of course today i am tired :)
I actually made a attempt to sit on the couch, then to lay on the couch this afternoon during this small break before the afternoon pick up onslaught begins..but it lasted only about 10 minutes and then a call came in i had to take. SIGH. So much for a quick rest. I have just a little bit of time until i have to go so i thought maybe i should take advantage and write for a minute or two....i did get word that Highlander is probably going to be flying in sometime on Halloween day :) so i am happy about that and i hope it really happens. I don't take for granite the times we get to do holidays etc together cause there are so many we spend apart.
I am really tired of doing things alone.
The last 5 years have been insane as far as the pace and i really really wish it would come to a end and that we could feel relaxed and not have to be looking to the horizon and seeing when we are going to part again.
I am sorry i did not update about the weight loss, its about 5 or 6 pounds it was kind of between the 2 which is you know not amazing but its not nothing either...lol. I just hope i can actually do this. I am so not a skinny girl by any means lol. But i am determined to see this through.
People dont see how much weight i can stand to lose cause i do tend to carry my weight evenly , as in all over, and the weird crappy thing that happens is that when i start to actually lose, i get really weird shaped cause i get very small up by my ribs but my bottom belly then appears to protrude more , its really gross actually lol. After 4 c section my stomach is destroyed. It wont like EVER just flatten out again . I lost 51 pounds the first Iraq go around and even though i looked good that damn c section gut was still hanging on ugh.
I look around at people and wish i had more chance to like do my hair or even makeup to dress a little better, but truth is , my lifestyle is alot of running lol so that kind of attire doesn't always fit to good. I do make some efforts on Sunday which has been a conscious thing for me and i think its good. I am in process of slowly updating my wardrobe piece by piece.
I have a awesome idea for something i want to do or my kids this Christmas. I want to create a computer station that has 4 computers (netbooks) and 2 printers . That way each kid will have their "own" i think they are going to LOVE it when its finished!
After all the kids get out I'm dropping Herb and a friend at the skate park for a bit. My taxi days are never dull...ill try to write more later.
WOW i could not finish this post yesterday cause i had to exit stage left for the Er with The Rock basically he has an infected saliva gland but he has meds and i hope all will clear up soon, this is all from yesterday for the most part but since i had already drafted it and I'm too tired to post anything else tonight I'm signing off . I promise to write a better blog tomorrow lol. The hour is late and even insomniacs are being called to the sheep.
S.O.T.D.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ......... No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow -- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below -- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:35 - 39

Pack your bags we are going on a trip

Hillary: I don't even remember what it was I was mad about and I don't care. Whatever it was that you did, I forgive you.
CC Bloom: What I did? You and your lousy letters. Just to get one of them made me special even before I opened it. All your crappy stories, all your big dreams.
Hillary: I didn't know that.
CC Bloom: Well, what the hell did you know? Did you know how bad things were for me? No, because you wouldn't even open my letters. If you had even answered one, just one! Told me what a jerk I was, anything! But you didn't. You took your friendship away without even discussing it with me. So, thank you very much for forgiving me. But I don't forgive you.
Hillary: I was jealous. I was so jealous of you I couldn't see straight! You did everything you said you were going to do, everything! And your talent, this incredible talent! I can't even yodel!
---Beaches---

I always find myself somehow on the end of a phone giving strong advice to weak situations.
Look. People ...dammit..you know what they are going to hurt you. They just are. They are going to make you cry and make you wonder and make you lay awake in bed asking yourself why...
what did i do. And maybe you know what you did, if that's you then your lucky. But most of the time your left holding a brown paper bag that the bottom has fallen out of and you have nothing left but for some reason you cant let go of the bag, cause it all you have left.
We love to pack our bags and go on guilt trips. For crimes we may or may not have committed.
All betrayal of any kind begins with trust. At some point you decided to trust somebody with a part of you, and a piece of your heart. You let somebody in.
All i can say is that we take chances, and some times you know we lose. We cant possibly know all the whys.
From experience we like to blame ourselves first. But my experience has also taught me it usually IS them and not you.
People can be thief's. They come and bring us some our greatest joys and leave us in some of our most blinding pain. When you give yourself its all sorts of scary what can happen when you find yourself suddenly alone carrying your whole relationship or sometimes your life in a suitcase.
You have to know that you are going to hurt. and then your going to kind of go into a mode where your numb, and eventually the wind blows and life heads you off onto another path, and there are more people and the cycle begins anew.
Own what part of the story is really yours. And the rest you have to file it away for another day.
I would be dead of a broken heart right now if i didn't do those things.
I didn't always lean to the Lord for my strength, for many years when i had fallen into shadow i just leaned on myself, and i learned the hard way that try as you might , you cant please everybody.
People either come with us on our journey or they stop somewhere and wave goodbye while we keep on going.
It doesn't mean anything except it is a volume in our library that we finally have a title for and know where to put it.
And sometimes the path winds around back onto itself and we meet that person again and hope springs anew..but even that has its own pain, for we can never step into the same river twice.
After finding my friend umm..we will call him comic book hero...after a decade of being apart i found my heart racing ecstatic, but as time has gone on i feel the weight of the years and all the love is still there but its almost too much for me to handle. In his presence i am overtaken with a kindred spirit and friendship...in some other life i think he was probably a sibling of mine :)..but he is married now and has a life and well although what we share is so Innocent i know the world nor his wife could handle it. So now i watch from a distance for the most part, but in my heart you know it doesn't matter where we are today, it doesn't diminish the flame of light he brought into my life during the time we were in each others daily life. It just means we are on other paths now. And i love him now as i did then, but we both know somehow its never going to be the same.
There are some people who just come into your life for a short while and they serve that purpose and then they have to go. Rarely is it a clean break. Nothing deep ever is.
So then where do you go from that moment..the moment where u know its over and u gotta pack that bag. I think maybe you just start walking ...

What did i learn today?Who invented bowling?
It appears the ancient Egyptians invented the sport of tossing a ball down an alley and listening to the oddly satisfying crash of pins. Archaeologist Sir Flinders Petrie discovered bowling balls and pins in the grave of an Egyptian child from 5200 BC. This seems to be the oldest evidence of the sport and a likely origin, although German historian William Pehle claims the sport originated in his country around 300 AD.
So know we know....
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Finally, brothers, rejoice. Be restored, be encouraged, be of the same mind, be at peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you.
2 Corinthians 13:11

Gratitude 101 The follow up post

I was sent something encouraging in regards to my last post and i had to read it several times because of course its right. In the end it doesnt matter if gratitude is shown by man what matters is of course where we understand our role lies in the bigger picture.
"""Render service with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not to men and women, knowing that whatever good we do, we will receive the same again from the Lord, whether we are slaves or free." (Ephesians 6:7-8, NRSV)
Sometimes I've forgotten whom I really serve. When people are ungrateful, I want to tell them off and quit. But then God reminds me that he is the one who called me. That I am serving him first of all.
You and I serve God, not people -- really. We are mediators of God's love for them, and if, by God's grace, that love can flow through us in spite of our hurts, in spite of our buffeting, then we can continue to minister to them on behalf of God. But if Satan can shut off the love, he has neutralized us.
There are way too many insensitive, critical, ungrateful people. Maybe that's all they know of Christianity. By our example, we can begin to change that. Yes, we can! We can begin to establish a new pattern of thanks and support. Of caring and appreciation. We can set a pattern of love, by which outsiders can discern that we are indeed Jesus' disciples (John 13:35). It starts with me -- and you.
One passage of scripture sticks in my head and plays itself over and over. Let me share it with you, that it might repeat itself in your brain until it does its work:
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain" (1 Corinthians 15:58, RSV)."

Sigh. SO TRUE ! We have to remember we ultimately are not serving him or her or them, we are serving the Lord. And the higher calling we have needs to make us be bigger than what we feel when others don't appreciate what we do.

Gratitude 101

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.

You know what i was really upset all day with somebody that has been really ungrateful. But as much as i could say and the little i could do , im not.
I'm going to choose to bless this person even more and i am going to pray that this person come to a more mature and stable place in their life.
Being that i am exhausted i just am going to fade out tonight.
What did i learn today
That we just have to do what we can and give the rest to the Lord.
S.O.T.D.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Sugar cubes, Halloween costumes and brain freeze..in that order.

So what was up with last nights post? Well that was the second time in 6 months that someone wrote me in regards to my "perfect" life. I guess on one level it annoys me that people think that and on the other worries me that i sound like I'm over here eating sugar cubes (which by the way i am going to build a sugar cube house this xmas see above pic lol)cause my life is so "sweet". And then lets not forget about when i hear that I'm being TOO depressing. WTH? I guess no matter what there will be somebody out there who just cant hang. But on some serious level i can only hope that by reading that one can see that you know there are ups and downs and everything in between. Its life! Of course my spirit is better and mind somewhat more clear with having my spouse home rather than deployed and yes i love him to bits but don't think there are not days i don't want to strangle him because of course there are...hello...we are married with 4 kids and have a erratic crazy army life. But i guess i am choosing to write as it comes..but the next time my life starts to go to hell in a hand basket ill be sure to let everybody know..
What really trips me out is i only have 1 official follower and lots of stealth followers and then of course just straight blog stalkers. so i get these messages and its like what?? Your reading my blog? I didn't even know. Don't ask why I'm surprised i mean i am airing out a window to my life but i guess it is weird that anybody even cares lol.
So enough about all that hullabaloo and on to more important subjects like what the heck is The Rock going to be for halloween?? I "want" him to be a Robot but i am worried he wont be able to handle the costume. You see finding a costume for a kid with sensory integration issues is a nightmare. You literally have no clue. I go looking at costumes and its like straight out the gate 90 % of them are a no go. Too itchy or scratchy or to much around the neck, or things that go on the head that he wont wear . To loose or to long. Or to may pieces, the list goes on and it makes me feel exasperated. Its really kind of stupid because im the only one who cares if he dresses up or not, he could care less. This really isn't about him ..its more about me wanting to have a "experience" i guess...the joy of taking pictures of my kids in their costumes. Things most people just take for granite I'm up pacing the floor about....sigh. (That i would be good even if he wears no costume.)
I have already dressed and he has undressed himself 3 times this morning before 11 am. Its frustrating.
Once he goes to school i am going treasure hunting for just a bit to see if i can find anything to make the robot work for him...i looked online at some peoples pictures who had made really nice ones, and also people who made their very own Thomas the train...then i remembered ummm yeah i don't have Highlander here to help build anything that fancy...he will miss Halloween AGAIN this year...blah.
I did not find anything for the costume but got myself 3 things and picked up a birthday gift for a friends bday party this weekend/i just hope she likes it.
I wanted to write more but i have a headache so im closing out with this bit of wisdom...
“Because you understand ‘one’, you think that you also understand ‘two’, because ‘one’ and ‘one’ make ‘two’, but you must also understand the ‘and’.”
So what exactly is brain freeze?
A Brain Freeze, also known as Ice-cream headache, cold-stimulus headache,[1] or its given scientific name sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia (meaning "nerve pain of the sphenopalatine ganglion"), is a form of brief cranial pain or headache commonly associated with consumption (particularly quick consumption) of cold beverages or foods such as ice cream and Popsicles. It is caused by having something cold touch the roof of the mouth (palate), and is believed to result from a nerve response causing rapid constriction and swelling of blood vessels[2] or a "referring" of pain from the roof of the mouth to the head.
And now we all know ...but are we wiser ...hmmmmmmmm lol
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation."Luke 22:40

FLASHBACK

"you CANT understand your life and marriage are PERFECT!!!!"
Excerpt taken from an email i recv this morning. sigh.
I sat on the fence all day about this one..but i decided examples are powerful. So here i cut and paste a blog entry from the OTHER blog...time can do so much, this was a little over a year ago.
I am not perfect nor is my marriage ..we are human , we have bad days , bad moments, hell in our lifestyle sometimes we have bad YEARS.
But grace be to God for he is mighty to save.

ok here goes I changed out the names only
Sunday, 30 August 2009

[after swiftly dispatching another gladiator]
Maximus Decimus Meridius: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

(GLADIATOR)

Its been a rough week. With school started, still no word from my husband and one of the most debilitating migraines i can ever remember having i am glad that it is behind me now.

I am struggling with the pillow who is having a incredibly rough time with Highlander being gone and not talking to him for so long. Its like she is out of control half the day and inconsolable the other. I KNOW what it is that fuels her. Its anger its sadness its erratic energy with no place to let go. I feel her pain. Yesterday we took The Rock and Pillow to the weekend hourly care for a break so that the 2 older kids could have some fun without having to worry about leaving a movie or dinner early due to one or the other lil ones not being able to make it all the way through. After sitting through a painful session of Disney g-force (talking secret agent guinea pigs) we met at the px with ----- our only friend in El Paso to have a quick bite. Towards the end my focus came upon a family of 4 mom dad and 2 sons. I can always spot a soldier on his r & r leave. The first thing i see is somebody who appears beat down, and then you can tell this couple has been together for a long time not newlyweds or anything yet the soldier is being overly touchy feely, rubbing wife's back, touching top of kids heads, holding wife's hand. You see other couples walk right past, another family of 4, barely looking at each other engrossed in thought of what they need to go buy and what laundry needs to be put away when they go home, never even taking a second glance at who is by their side. We take for granite. Yes we do.

Somebody wrote me out of the blue after my last blog and asked am i witnessing the end here? The end of 2 people who i admire and really look up to? TRUTH is i don't know. These things never come with trumpets blaring and banners unfurled, no they come in unexpected and stealth moments when we least expect it. I can only tell you the day of demise in my last marriage, i did not wake up that day thinking it was going to be the beginning of the end, but that is exactly the way it turned out. Probably has to happen that way you know, or else we would all come prepared with a sack lunch prepared to stay awhile and battle to the bitter end.

In church today pastor Gary said, God is not so concerned with your situation as he is your character. As i was trying to work through all this and explain a little deeper to ----- all that has transpired the past few years , i went back to several of my blogs that were written years ago, when Highlander was in Iraq the last time and when he came home. I reread what one of our friends and one of Highlanders fellow comrades wrote about him in a blog HE was keeping during that time, it really gives keen insight not only into Highlanders character but why it is i cant compete with his job and why he cannot or will not? Be divided in his efforts to keep balance at home and on the war front. Because well he checks out of one life into the other. Its Clark Kent/superman at its finest. Only the phone booth is actually the plane he loads headed out to Kuwait to begin the transformation.

"SSG Highlander (Army Pathfinder, Air Assault)
1st Squad Leader. Silent, professional and extremely proficient, SSG Highlander is a force to be reckoned with. A light fighter from previous experience, he nevertheless mastered every aspect of mechanized fighting in less time than it said to say "holy crap, where did this guy come from?!" which is exactly what we all said when we first met him at JRTC. Everything that he touches, he has mastered fully, living up to his namesake. Truly unique, I have never met a soldier of his caliber anywhere else in my entire career. He is possessed of a markedly reserved but amazing sense of humor. Patient and observant, he has earned the undying loyalty and respect of the entire company. A dedicated family man, lover of music and tattoo artist as a hobby. There is not a man in this Brigade who would not follow this man to the ends of the earth and beyond.

-----------

So it was then as it is now that he is in THAT place. The one where people follow him and he is important and needed and valuable. Funny because i feel the same way about his presence here in the home, but to him, it is not even a comparison.Its why these guys come home and ride their motorcycle as fast as it can go.

It was said once by chaplain Hawkins or chaplain Murray i cant remember which that to be in this line of work is to spend YEARS away from your spouse, so you better be better than the next man on the block. you better stand out. you better make the effort, because it has to sustain you through long periods of drought, and i would say, that that term should be tattooed on every married soldier when they enter into service because its true. I know some will read this and think i am being harsh, some would say to me, oh but its his JOB! you knew when you married him.....ah.....yes...yes i did.

Highlander is not a bad man. and I love him very deeply but he is troubled by all that has come to pass and all that still haunts his dreams. Another excerpt from my friends blog during that last deployment

Insurgents blew a large IED south of 425 yesterday afternoon as our convoy drove by. The charge was buried deep a few feet from the road. The blast missed the vehicles but the fragmentation pierced straight through the outlying wall of a nearby house and struck a middle aged woman as she was doing her laundry in the courtyard, tearing her abdomen open and blowing out her internal organs. Doc, Scoutten and Highlander worked on her as her children watched in horrified silence. She never had a chance and died almost immediately

I won't get into it any more than that...I'm still sorting it out..."

To this day Highlander still dreams about her. Always the same, she ends up dying.... he cant save her and she is always talking to him in Iraqi and he cant understand what she is saying . Also on a interesting notation since he has been in Iraq, every time he dreams of her she keeps getting younger than she was in the previous dream.

I am not equipped. I cannot save him. Just like he cannot save her.Its a wicked wicked game.

I apologize this has been lengthy, and that as of late the subject dim, but this is life. Sometimes we are riding the crest and other times we are being drug under by the undertow.

I am still praying but i find myself more unfocused than i want to be, relying on God to read the words in my heart rather than hear what is spilling out of my mouth. For only then will any of it make any sense.

He knows my name,
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls,
And hears me when I call. (lyrics from he knows my name)

I can clearly remember the day that i got the word that Highlander had loaded the helicopter headed out of Fob Gabe into Kuwait, on his way to the journey towards home. I could almost hear the whining cutting sound of the blades, a sound i know well because i used to work for a helicopter company when i lived in Hawaii. I pictured my husband lifting away from that place, leaving much of who he was before he arrived there behind. Dave, Noah, Billy, that woman from the courtyard and many more who were not going home. The crushing feeling i still get when i think about that moment, that year, this year and all the years in between. Its like there was a life before all that but i cannot recall it, its like my memory starts the day i waved goodbye all those years ago in the dark cold morning at 2-69 company area. The feeling i had when it was the day that they were coming home! The grateful heart.... the grateful soul, the compassionate thread that i wanted to bind up invisible wounds with. Why does it take living on the edge to produce this?

What has happened to me? This isn't who i am. I'm not trying to falter, i dont want to fail. Hear me oh God and know that my heart is in true pain and that i need you to uphold me.

Good evening all, and a thank you to ------------- blog for the quotes and the ability to read some things that really SHOULD be written down as so to not ever forget. Never forget.


S.O.T.D
Mark 3:10-11
For he had healed many; in so much that they pressed upon him for to touch him

So now what did YOU learn today.

Goodnight

The King of hearts..

Senior Ed Bloom: They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.
Big Fish

So he is gone.....
Dropped him off at horrid early hour , came home and i don't feel good at all. Whatever has been nagging at me has finally caught me and i feel like total crud.
I was surprised at how genuine Highlander seemed to be when it came to saying ill be seeing you...i could tell he was already missing me..us...kids...i know he has been home half a year already but it seems like only a few months at best ..time just speeds up when you are with the one you love. After spending a year apart this is a walk in the park, but still i wont lie, its comforting to see that my husband is just as attached to me as i am him he is the King of my heart. We must have hugged about 7 times before finally letting go and i wasn't even down the road before i got the first of many text messages today telling me all sorts of sweet and loving things. It truly made my day, for all his rough edges he still amazes me when he wants to. :)
He will be gone for his bday so we will celebrate when he comes back.
I have been super lazy today , as a matter of fact i cannot even recall a time when i was last this lazy, i just dont feel well.
Making a quick and easy dinner and then pajamas and hopefully a good nights rest tonight.
Going to start looking for a new larger dining room table. I am way to picky and cheap those things could prove to be trouble on my search. Highlander was going to build me a table but we decided against that idea because buying all the chairs separate and having them shipped was way to expensive.
So update on my journey ..my very slow slow journey lol to lose 40 pounds for the Lord himself directed me to..had a few setbacks with kids being sick and not being able to make it to the gym , and Highlanders dad being here for a few weeks but i am still progressing. I will weigh in on Friday for a number to post , just know good things can come in small numbers lol . :)
What i learned today pondering the King of hearts but this time on playing cards..
Why is the king of hearts the only king without a moustache?
Diamonds, clubs and spades are by association linked respectively with the corruption of wealth, war and death. In contrast, the heart as an organ is pure, open, undisguised - it does not wear artifice - hence the clean-shaven King of Hearts.
s.o.t.d.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
Song of Solomon 8:7

I'll be seeing you....

"It's hard. You can't plan it. You have to watch people more. Sort of keep an eye on them... to protect them... cause they can't always see what they need. It's your big chance to "fix something" that's not like your bike... You can fix a person..."
(12-year-old Trevor
in "Pay It Forward)


Spent this morning cleaning and organizing a few things , paid some bills and got my goodwill donations together and loaded into the back of my van. Had a oh so wonderful late night date with Highlander last night i will miss him so much when he is gone.. a month without his sparkly eyes :(. Waited on him to come back home after he left to go do his bag drop, i have to drop him off at o dark thirty tomorrow morning which i am not amused with...sigh.
I will miss him tremendously . I always feel better when he is home.
I have alot of things i am going to try and schedule in this month, just plan on staying as busy as i can and looking fwd to him coming back home. I cant believe we are already thinking ahead to this summer when he will be leaving again for another whole year....it just sux. I guess the only silver lining is we wont be moving anytime soon, and I'm kind of glad for that as i want the kids to feel as much stability as possible.
Next weekend will be crazy i am watching a few extra kids for a fiend of mine so i will have a full house. But i love children so much...and i get alot of joy out of being around them.
Had a really nice fairly relaxing day with the family, Herb is sick and so are myself and my poor hubby..heres to hoping we all can feel better soon cause this sucks.
Tonight after dinner i was totally caught off guard when my husband told me he wants to give me $500 dollars for my 545 project. I didn't know what to say and he said well you are attracted to cheerful givers are you not? He makes my life so complete and i feel so overwhelmed at this gesture i almost just cant process it. What an amazing gift..there is going to be 5 blessed people come this Xmas. What an amazing man i am married to. Praise God to the ends of the universe for true love.
We have a thing he and I when he has to leave we don't say goodbye we just say ill be seeing you soon.....
What i learned today
In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
All a man's ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2

Drawing Heaven

Leave your lights on

Leave your lights on,
you better leave you lights on
'Cause there's a monster,
living under my bed,
whispering in my ear
And there's an angel,
with a hand on my head
She say I got nothing to fear
(Santana)
Woke up this morning with my throat feeling terrible...I contemplated not going to church this morning...i lingered around in my pajamas till i could not ignore something in the universe pushing me to go..so i took the girls who were the only ones well enough to go and off we went.
what a word there was for me when i got there. Sometimes we have to go back to the classroom to hear a word from the teacher.
I find myself worried sometimes that i offend others with my love of the Lord or that people will become annoyed with me and my projects...stuff like my 545 project. Or any other number of things i do. I don't want people thinking i do this stuff to "show off" . That is a huge fear i have because truthfully it is not why i do it, but with the advent of face book and other social networking, we have never been more involved with other peoples lives than we are now. Its a window we peer through when we feel like peeking in. I have quoted many times the quote "sometimes your life might be the only bible other people read". Well the good word today was exactly that. How we have to shine our lights so that others may see. We are not supposed to just go to service on Sunday hang with other like minded people and sing and worship..we are also SUPPOSED to leave church and go out into the world and i quote from this morning" into all the dark places and shine". Hmm didn't i just talk about being in dark places in last nights blog. He spoke of Matthew 5 verse 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
He spoke of how we need to see why we are usually NOT surrounded by lots of other believers but by people who could use seeing your good works that they may say to themselves "i love that and want to be a part of that" . How others may not have anything else in their life that they can associate with how good God really is except for what they see you do. We who have lights need to leave them on ...not cover them up.
As if that were not enough i then pick up The Pillow from Sunday school and she hands me a paper dripping with paint and it said Forgive others, and her lesson was how God can help you with forgiveness! Umm ok God wink? Last nights blog yet again. I think so. If you have the chance i highly recommend reading when God winks
When God Winks at You: How God Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence
http://www.amazon.com/When-God-Winks-You-Coincidence/dp/B001AQY068
Sometimes we need that reaffirmation. We need to know that what we are doing IS what we should be doing. I shouldn't feel self conscious i should feel empowered to show others my light.
We love to second guess ourselves. Rather than be confident we shrink before peer pressure to not go over whatever level is acceptable to the social masses.
I think most of us without knowing it want to FEEL ...want a sign to KNOW that whatever we are doing, our decisions our choices ..are the right things. We want them to be our path our destiny we don't want them to be a mistake or a bad choice. I have prayed about things before and have not got the answer i was searching for , and then wham, God will wink at me and somehow i know that he IS talking directly at me. Coincidence? Maybe..BUT i feel somehow reassured all the same.
What i learned today ....the oldest candy bar still being produced is....
Although Hershey Chocolate Bars are the oldest chocolate bars still being produced, the Squirrel Nut Chew, a nut nougat, first produced in 1888 by Squirrel Brand Co., surpasses the Hershey Bar when it comes to the oldest mass produced candy still in existence in the United States.
After the Squirrel Nut Chew, now produced by NECCO, the tri-colored Neapolitan Coconut Slice, first produced in 1894 by Friesinger's Candies, is the longest surviving candy bar in the United States. While the Squirrel Nut Chew and Neapolitan Coconut Slice are not found everywhere, many small candy shops sell these delicious products and they are both available online.
So now i know
s.o.t.d.
But the path of the just as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. Proverbs 4:18

Forgiveness and my daily Ramblings

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi

Yesterday i was suffering sooo bad from allergies, my eyes were literally swollen and puffy and itchy as i will get out so looking at a computer screen was not at the top of my list...then today was spent catching up on bills and errands and finally date night with the Highlander...he was given a few more days till he has to leave for a month so i was really glad as we haven't had a chance to spend much time together as of late because of all the training and such and going to the field.
We really didn't do much , went to eat and then did some shopping ...bought each of the kids a small surprise just for no reason which is always fun. We are all of us still feeling a bit under the weather so after we picked up the kids we just came home to chill out.
As i sat at dinner i looked around the room and saw how many people just sit and stare at each other mindless and munching and really they are someplace else. The dining dead so to speak. Horrified i had to scan my thoughts quickly to see how much conversation i had with highlander and to make sure i don't turn into one of THEM! Luckily when i am around there is no shortage of conversation only maybe oxygen :)
I picture our future sometimes and try to imagine what it will be like when we don't have to find daycare , arnt sleep deprived and overworked and are out and away from this crazy army life! Honestly no clear picture would form because well i cant even imagine it. It will be insane! I will say i am soooooo glad i had all my kids while i was fairly young, i am seriously not understanding how some people do it at like 44 and 45 that is when ill be sleeping!! I love my children but the workload these days is insane. Just does not leave alot of time for about anything else. I don't even really find joy in going over to other peoples houses or bbq's or such because the truth is with The Rock its more stressful than relaxing...he has his occasions when he acts fine and all is well but go to an event on a off day for him and pay the price ...steeply. So these days i find myself more alone than not..and i am not sure why but i kind of like it. I have my moments where i miss being a social butterfly but i know i will see a new reign of the days again in the future...for now i am just tired lol. The Bible tells us we must not grow weary in doing good for at the right time we will reap a harvest ....i like to believe that is what is in store for me.
Its also somewhat tough for me to relate to alot of the younger military wives, i am just a seasoned soul i guess and i have a hard time relating because i am past most of the stages they are in. Not that i cant enjoy the company i just have seen alot and it has altered my perspective...field time, ntc and jrtc month long rotations hell even deployments(sort of) have just sewn themselves into the fabric of my soul, its never "easier" its just it is my life and rather than fight the powers that be i have gleaned enough grace to just accept that this is the way the cards have played out.
I am working on Halloween costumes and my 545 project ...beginning the long descent into the Christmas list madness ....and prepping my mind to work out holiday details. Decisions decisions.
This is a good time of year for me the drum is beating loud in my heart and my fire is stoked with little effort from all the "things" to do :)
Somewhere to go, something to do, someone to love.....
I am often asked what keeps my marriage strong...and its funny because its never the thing that people expect me to say. Forgiveness. One of the biggest things that people do is they cant forgive...either their spouse or their self or the past. Look , we all fall short ....almost daily but its in the pursuit right...of happiness and love and future. I was a hard sell on forgiveness because well dammit i had rights ...right? A right to be mad , to be sad , i was JUSTIFIED! I mean i could continue to work myself up about something and stay in a state of anger or sadness for days on end...killing all hope of getting what i really wanted which was love. At this point i have literally spent YEARS away from my spouse, and all i can tell you is that love is not enough and neither is money. You have to have forgiveness. Maybe its forgiving yourself, that is tough to do, o how we love our precious guilt, but in the end you have to let go of all that baggage and dead weight or else it ends up owning you and hijacks your outlook on life.
The last thing i want to say is tonight as i stared out the window i thought about how much i love God and how i am so grateful that in all the cracks and all the dark places i have had to walk, in many disappointments and places of discontent, i have been able to fill in the negative space with the hope i have in Jesus. What a promise we have to brighten our day. For he cares for me and he cares for you. I have said it before that the Lord found me in a casino and if he can find me there he can find you.
If you are lost , if you are wandering , if you have strayed please know its not too late, just come back to the fold.
SO what did Dawn learn today...
What does the word Won-Ton mean?
The name won ton means swallowing a cloud, and the won tons floating in this popular soup are thought to resemble clouds.......
well now i know..
As if i don't have enough pet projects when i grow tired of the learn something new everyday i plan on doing meet someone new every day. How many of us know the name of our postman or the butcher at Sam's club or the cafeteria lady at our child's school...maybe even a neighbor! It destroys me that we live in such a cold keep to yourself society...and i ponder how cool it would be to meet and greet people by name and actually form a connection to the face you see...to people who service you. I mean look at The Brady Bunch ...you ever notice how they address everyone by name and already have a long standing repore with them...that is nice. I like that.
Yeah its OK I'm weird i know it and i accept it. :)
The hour grows late and i am getting old..picture me drinking orange tea , puttering around my house, reading, thinking, pacing, i love it. Goodnight.
S.O.T.D.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you
Ephesians 4:31-32

Surrender

Sometimes you have to surrender....wave the white flag and call it a day.
Goodnight.


s.o.t.d.
Bring all the tithes (the whole tenth of your income) into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. Malachi 3: 10

The doors in our hallway

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

It has been a long day , Highlander is finally home, i am nervous because the small kids have been asleep since an hour that is ridiculous and i fully expect to be up at midnight watching some Thomas episode that will make me want to off myself....
Everyone has been sick and i feel not right either...we will only have a few days with Highlander home and then he will be off again this time for a whole month...the sad part is i noticed that anymore i hardly miss a beat when he leaves, i think there is just a permanent space i reserve in my heart for when he has to go. By keeping that place i think i don't feel the pain as much as i used to , its something that is just a part of me now , which is not to say i don't miss him when he goes, because its like losing my right arm, but its like being ambidextrous and just going on autopilot and becoming left handed. switch hitter ..that's me.
I just wanted to say that i wasn't going to write tonight ..i actually don't know why i am cause I'm tired.
But i do want to say this. I really consider myself very lucky for all the friends in my life who have gone the extra mile to stay in touch and not let go of me...there was a time in my life that was not so crazy and maybe i was better back then...must have been , to meet and keep such wonderful people throughout the years.
Because of my crazy life, i don't get to go out hang out or keep up as much as i wish i could...and that truly pains me more than i could probably write about without starting to get all emotional and then we got to break out the Kleenex and then you know tomorrow its visine and the list just goes on , so we will skip all that...
But wow , i am truly blessed to know that even with the little i am able to see or talk to these people , they are always so warm hearted and open, welcoming.
It drives right into my heart and makes me just so full...of gratitude. I hope i have treated people well with the time i was given with them. I keep having to move and say goodbye or they move or we move on. Take your pick. But i would not change any of it or trade it. Because weather or not these people know it, some of the best of who i am comes from the best things they ever showed me...and sometimes that's many things and sometimes it was only one thing. And you know what... whenever i pull out something i got from one of my friends , strength, ideas, courage,character traits, i feel always thankful to have had that moment in time with them, and happiness is to be able to recall it and cherish it and still use it to this day. To this day i cant look at a bingo card and not think of my friend Tammy, and smile. I haven't seen her in almost 10 years.
I just know and accept that some doors we go through once and we actually never go back through...but they are mile markers in the hallway of our life. And when i look down my very long hall some are open and some are closed , some are blue like the sky and some are black, but they are there, and nobody can take that from me. I feel alone sometimes and i have only to look down that hallway and know I'm just still traveling. I have many more doors to add and many more will open and close, all we can do is cherish the time we have with people and give our all. You know, don't wait till next week or next month, just every time you are with those you love and care about , give them the best part of who you are, and know that , that alone is enough. Its everything......

What i learned today
Where did crayola crayons come from anyways?
Crayola is a brand of artistry supplies manufactured by Crayola LLC—founded in 1885 as Binney & Smith—best known for its crayons. Originally an industrial pigment supply company, it soon shifted its focus to art products for home and school use, beginning with chalk then crayons, followed later by colored pencils, markers, paints, modeling clay and other related goods.In 1902, Binney & Smith developed and introduced the Staonal marking crayon. Then Edwin Binney, working with his wife, Alice Stead Binney, developed their own famous product line of wax crayons beginning on June 10, 1903,[7] which it sold under the brand name "Crayola." The Crayola name was coined by Alice Binney, wife of company founder Edwin and a former school teacher. It comes from "craie," the French word for "chalk," and "ola," for "oleaginous," or "oily."[6][8] Crayola introduced their crayons not with one box but with a full product line. By 1905, the line had expanded to offering 18 different sized crayon boxes[9] with 5 physically different sized crayons, only two sizes of which survive today - the "standard size" (Standard sized crayola crayon is 3 5/8" x 5/16") and the "large size" (Large sized crayola crayons are 4" x 7/16"). The product line offered crayon boxes contained containing 6,7,8,12,14,16,18,24,28 or 30 different color crayons. Some of these boxes were targeted for artists and contained crayons with no wrappers, while others had a color number printed on the crayon wrapper that tied to a corresponding number on a list of color names printed inside the box lid, but some boxes held crayons with their color names printed on their wrappers.
So now i know...:)
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.
Hosea 10:12

oh and ps
HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!