I'll be seeing you....

"It's hard. You can't plan it. You have to watch people more. Sort of keep an eye on them... to protect them... cause they can't always see what they need. It's your big chance to "fix something" that's not like your bike... You can fix a person..."
(12-year-old Trevor
in "Pay It Forward)


Spent this morning cleaning and organizing a few things , paid some bills and got my goodwill donations together and loaded into the back of my van. Had a oh so wonderful late night date with Highlander last night i will miss him so much when he is gone.. a month without his sparkly eyes :(. Waited on him to come back home after he left to go do his bag drop, i have to drop him off at o dark thirty tomorrow morning which i am not amused with...sigh.
I will miss him tremendously . I always feel better when he is home.
I have alot of things i am going to try and schedule in this month, just plan on staying as busy as i can and looking fwd to him coming back home. I cant believe we are already thinking ahead to this summer when he will be leaving again for another whole year....it just sux. I guess the only silver lining is we wont be moving anytime soon, and I'm kind of glad for that as i want the kids to feel as much stability as possible.
Next weekend will be crazy i am watching a few extra kids for a fiend of mine so i will have a full house. But i love children so much...and i get alot of joy out of being around them.
Had a really nice fairly relaxing day with the family, Herb is sick and so are myself and my poor hubby..heres to hoping we all can feel better soon cause this sucks.
Tonight after dinner i was totally caught off guard when my husband told me he wants to give me $500 dollars for my 545 project. I didn't know what to say and he said well you are attracted to cheerful givers are you not? He makes my life so complete and i feel so overwhelmed at this gesture i almost just cant process it. What an amazing gift..there is going to be 5 blessed people come this Xmas. What an amazing man i am married to. Praise God to the ends of the universe for true love.
We have a thing he and I when he has to leave we don't say goodbye we just say ill be seeing you soon.....
What i learned today
In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
All a man's ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2

Drawing Heaven

Leave your lights on

Leave your lights on,
you better leave you lights on
'Cause there's a monster,
living under my bed,
whispering in my ear
And there's an angel,
with a hand on my head
She say I got nothing to fear
(Santana)
Woke up this morning with my throat feeling terrible...I contemplated not going to church this morning...i lingered around in my pajamas till i could not ignore something in the universe pushing me to go..so i took the girls who were the only ones well enough to go and off we went.
what a word there was for me when i got there. Sometimes we have to go back to the classroom to hear a word from the teacher.
I find myself worried sometimes that i offend others with my love of the Lord or that people will become annoyed with me and my projects...stuff like my 545 project. Or any other number of things i do. I don't want people thinking i do this stuff to "show off" . That is a huge fear i have because truthfully it is not why i do it, but with the advent of face book and other social networking, we have never been more involved with other peoples lives than we are now. Its a window we peer through when we feel like peeking in. I have quoted many times the quote "sometimes your life might be the only bible other people read". Well the good word today was exactly that. How we have to shine our lights so that others may see. We are not supposed to just go to service on Sunday hang with other like minded people and sing and worship..we are also SUPPOSED to leave church and go out into the world and i quote from this morning" into all the dark places and shine". Hmm didn't i just talk about being in dark places in last nights blog. He spoke of Matthew 5 verse 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
He spoke of how we need to see why we are usually NOT surrounded by lots of other believers but by people who could use seeing your good works that they may say to themselves "i love that and want to be a part of that" . How others may not have anything else in their life that they can associate with how good God really is except for what they see you do. We who have lights need to leave them on ...not cover them up.
As if that were not enough i then pick up The Pillow from Sunday school and she hands me a paper dripping with paint and it said Forgive others, and her lesson was how God can help you with forgiveness! Umm ok God wink? Last nights blog yet again. I think so. If you have the chance i highly recommend reading when God winks
When God Winks at You: How God Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence
http://www.amazon.com/When-God-Winks-You-Coincidence/dp/B001AQY068
Sometimes we need that reaffirmation. We need to know that what we are doing IS what we should be doing. I shouldn't feel self conscious i should feel empowered to show others my light.
We love to second guess ourselves. Rather than be confident we shrink before peer pressure to not go over whatever level is acceptable to the social masses.
I think most of us without knowing it want to FEEL ...want a sign to KNOW that whatever we are doing, our decisions our choices ..are the right things. We want them to be our path our destiny we don't want them to be a mistake or a bad choice. I have prayed about things before and have not got the answer i was searching for , and then wham, God will wink at me and somehow i know that he IS talking directly at me. Coincidence? Maybe..BUT i feel somehow reassured all the same.
What i learned today ....the oldest candy bar still being produced is....
Although Hershey Chocolate Bars are the oldest chocolate bars still being produced, the Squirrel Nut Chew, a nut nougat, first produced in 1888 by Squirrel Brand Co., surpasses the Hershey Bar when it comes to the oldest mass produced candy still in existence in the United States.
After the Squirrel Nut Chew, now produced by NECCO, the tri-colored Neapolitan Coconut Slice, first produced in 1894 by Friesinger's Candies, is the longest surviving candy bar in the United States. While the Squirrel Nut Chew and Neapolitan Coconut Slice are not found everywhere, many small candy shops sell these delicious products and they are both available online.
So now i know
s.o.t.d.
But the path of the just as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day. Proverbs 4:18

Forgiveness and my daily Ramblings

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi

Yesterday i was suffering sooo bad from allergies, my eyes were literally swollen and puffy and itchy as i will get out so looking at a computer screen was not at the top of my list...then today was spent catching up on bills and errands and finally date night with the Highlander...he was given a few more days till he has to leave for a month so i was really glad as we haven't had a chance to spend much time together as of late because of all the training and such and going to the field.
We really didn't do much , went to eat and then did some shopping ...bought each of the kids a small surprise just for no reason which is always fun. We are all of us still feeling a bit under the weather so after we picked up the kids we just came home to chill out.
As i sat at dinner i looked around the room and saw how many people just sit and stare at each other mindless and munching and really they are someplace else. The dining dead so to speak. Horrified i had to scan my thoughts quickly to see how much conversation i had with highlander and to make sure i don't turn into one of THEM! Luckily when i am around there is no shortage of conversation only maybe oxygen :)
I picture our future sometimes and try to imagine what it will be like when we don't have to find daycare , arnt sleep deprived and overworked and are out and away from this crazy army life! Honestly no clear picture would form because well i cant even imagine it. It will be insane! I will say i am soooooo glad i had all my kids while i was fairly young, i am seriously not understanding how some people do it at like 44 and 45 that is when ill be sleeping!! I love my children but the workload these days is insane. Just does not leave alot of time for about anything else. I don't even really find joy in going over to other peoples houses or bbq's or such because the truth is with The Rock its more stressful than relaxing...he has his occasions when he acts fine and all is well but go to an event on a off day for him and pay the price ...steeply. So these days i find myself more alone than not..and i am not sure why but i kind of like it. I have my moments where i miss being a social butterfly but i know i will see a new reign of the days again in the future...for now i am just tired lol. The Bible tells us we must not grow weary in doing good for at the right time we will reap a harvest ....i like to believe that is what is in store for me.
Its also somewhat tough for me to relate to alot of the younger military wives, i am just a seasoned soul i guess and i have a hard time relating because i am past most of the stages they are in. Not that i cant enjoy the company i just have seen alot and it has altered my perspective...field time, ntc and jrtc month long rotations hell even deployments(sort of) have just sewn themselves into the fabric of my soul, its never "easier" its just it is my life and rather than fight the powers that be i have gleaned enough grace to just accept that this is the way the cards have played out.
I am working on Halloween costumes and my 545 project ...beginning the long descent into the Christmas list madness ....and prepping my mind to work out holiday details. Decisions decisions.
This is a good time of year for me the drum is beating loud in my heart and my fire is stoked with little effort from all the "things" to do :)
Somewhere to go, something to do, someone to love.....
I am often asked what keeps my marriage strong...and its funny because its never the thing that people expect me to say. Forgiveness. One of the biggest things that people do is they cant forgive...either their spouse or their self or the past. Look , we all fall short ....almost daily but its in the pursuit right...of happiness and love and future. I was a hard sell on forgiveness because well dammit i had rights ...right? A right to be mad , to be sad , i was JUSTIFIED! I mean i could continue to work myself up about something and stay in a state of anger or sadness for days on end...killing all hope of getting what i really wanted which was love. At this point i have literally spent YEARS away from my spouse, and all i can tell you is that love is not enough and neither is money. You have to have forgiveness. Maybe its forgiving yourself, that is tough to do, o how we love our precious guilt, but in the end you have to let go of all that baggage and dead weight or else it ends up owning you and hijacks your outlook on life.
The last thing i want to say is tonight as i stared out the window i thought about how much i love God and how i am so grateful that in all the cracks and all the dark places i have had to walk, in many disappointments and places of discontent, i have been able to fill in the negative space with the hope i have in Jesus. What a promise we have to brighten our day. For he cares for me and he cares for you. I have said it before that the Lord found me in a casino and if he can find me there he can find you.
If you are lost , if you are wandering , if you have strayed please know its not too late, just come back to the fold.
SO what did Dawn learn today...
What does the word Won-Ton mean?
The name won ton means swallowing a cloud, and the won tons floating in this popular soup are thought to resemble clouds.......
well now i know..
As if i don't have enough pet projects when i grow tired of the learn something new everyday i plan on doing meet someone new every day. How many of us know the name of our postman or the butcher at Sam's club or the cafeteria lady at our child's school...maybe even a neighbor! It destroys me that we live in such a cold keep to yourself society...and i ponder how cool it would be to meet and greet people by name and actually form a connection to the face you see...to people who service you. I mean look at The Brady Bunch ...you ever notice how they address everyone by name and already have a long standing repore with them...that is nice. I like that.
Yeah its OK I'm weird i know it and i accept it. :)
The hour grows late and i am getting old..picture me drinking orange tea , puttering around my house, reading, thinking, pacing, i love it. Goodnight.
S.O.T.D.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you
Ephesians 4:31-32

Surrender

Sometimes you have to surrender....wave the white flag and call it a day.
Goodnight.


s.o.t.d.
Bring all the tithes (the whole tenth of your income) into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. Malachi 3: 10

The doors in our hallway

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

It has been a long day , Highlander is finally home, i am nervous because the small kids have been asleep since an hour that is ridiculous and i fully expect to be up at midnight watching some Thomas episode that will make me want to off myself....
Everyone has been sick and i feel not right either...we will only have a few days with Highlander home and then he will be off again this time for a whole month...the sad part is i noticed that anymore i hardly miss a beat when he leaves, i think there is just a permanent space i reserve in my heart for when he has to go. By keeping that place i think i don't feel the pain as much as i used to , its something that is just a part of me now , which is not to say i don't miss him when he goes, because its like losing my right arm, but its like being ambidextrous and just going on autopilot and becoming left handed. switch hitter ..that's me.
I just wanted to say that i wasn't going to write tonight ..i actually don't know why i am cause I'm tired.
But i do want to say this. I really consider myself very lucky for all the friends in my life who have gone the extra mile to stay in touch and not let go of me...there was a time in my life that was not so crazy and maybe i was better back then...must have been , to meet and keep such wonderful people throughout the years.
Because of my crazy life, i don't get to go out hang out or keep up as much as i wish i could...and that truly pains me more than i could probably write about without starting to get all emotional and then we got to break out the Kleenex and then you know tomorrow its visine and the list just goes on , so we will skip all that...
But wow , i am truly blessed to know that even with the little i am able to see or talk to these people , they are always so warm hearted and open, welcoming.
It drives right into my heart and makes me just so full...of gratitude. I hope i have treated people well with the time i was given with them. I keep having to move and say goodbye or they move or we move on. Take your pick. But i would not change any of it or trade it. Because weather or not these people know it, some of the best of who i am comes from the best things they ever showed me...and sometimes that's many things and sometimes it was only one thing. And you know what... whenever i pull out something i got from one of my friends , strength, ideas, courage,character traits, i feel always thankful to have had that moment in time with them, and happiness is to be able to recall it and cherish it and still use it to this day. To this day i cant look at a bingo card and not think of my friend Tammy, and smile. I haven't seen her in almost 10 years.
I just know and accept that some doors we go through once and we actually never go back through...but they are mile markers in the hallway of our life. And when i look down my very long hall some are open and some are closed , some are blue like the sky and some are black, but they are there, and nobody can take that from me. I feel alone sometimes and i have only to look down that hallway and know I'm just still traveling. I have many more doors to add and many more will open and close, all we can do is cherish the time we have with people and give our all. You know, don't wait till next week or next month, just every time you are with those you love and care about , give them the best part of who you are, and know that , that alone is enough. Its everything......

What i learned today
Where did crayola crayons come from anyways?
Crayola is a brand of artistry supplies manufactured by Crayola LLC—founded in 1885 as Binney & Smith—best known for its crayons. Originally an industrial pigment supply company, it soon shifted its focus to art products for home and school use, beginning with chalk then crayons, followed later by colored pencils, markers, paints, modeling clay and other related goods.In 1902, Binney & Smith developed and introduced the Staonal marking crayon. Then Edwin Binney, working with his wife, Alice Stead Binney, developed their own famous product line of wax crayons beginning on June 10, 1903,[7] which it sold under the brand name "Crayola." The Crayola name was coined by Alice Binney, wife of company founder Edwin and a former school teacher. It comes from "craie," the French word for "chalk," and "ola," for "oleaginous," or "oily."[6][8] Crayola introduced their crayons not with one box but with a full product line. By 1905, the line had expanded to offering 18 different sized crayon boxes[9] with 5 physically different sized crayons, only two sizes of which survive today - the "standard size" (Standard sized crayola crayon is 3 5/8" x 5/16") and the "large size" (Large sized crayola crayons are 4" x 7/16"). The product line offered crayon boxes contained containing 6,7,8,12,14,16,18,24,28 or 30 different color crayons. Some of these boxes were targeted for artists and contained crayons with no wrappers, while others had a color number printed on the crayon wrapper that tied to a corresponding number on a list of color names printed inside the box lid, but some boxes held crayons with their color names printed on their wrappers.
So now i know...:)
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.
Hosea 10:12

oh and ps
HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

Paper hearts

"That’s the thing about a human life-there’s no control group, no way to ever know how any of us would have turned out if any variables had been changed."
— Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love

I have this reoccurring thought, that i am going to cut out 40 paper hearts and on them write down all the things in this life that i want and then I'm going to go somewhere either really tall or really windy and let them all go. Watch them blow away from me.... because maybe the only things we can let go of are the things we can ever hope to really get. To find them again someplace else down the road , in another place or another moment.. . That it was a real want and that we were meant to have it.
What i learned today.
Do all dogs go to heaven?
Throughout the Bible, there is no mention of pets running around in heaven. The only creatures described in heaven are angels and humans. The Bible indicates that God is a spirit. Angels are also spiritual beings. This is why humans take on a spiritual body so that we can be with God and the angels. However, animals are non-spiritual beings. The higher animals (including the ones we usually choose as pets) are soulish creatures, which is why they can relate to us. However, they lack a spirit, which we humans have, so that their fate is different from ours:

Who knows the spirit of the sons of men, which goes upward, and the spirit of the beast, which goes down to the earth? (Ecclesiastes 3:21)

So, it seems very likely that we won't be seeing our pets in heaven. It probably is not the answer you wanted to hear, and me either....

I have had a deflating last few days ...but rather than go into the specifics which could and would probably be depressing and rhetorical i will leave you with a cookie recipe......cause well...... cookies are happy. Right?

Snicker doodles Cookies
Ingredients:
1 cup unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 1/2 cups flour
2 teaspoons cream of tartar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup sugar (topping)
4 teaspoons cinnamon (topping)



Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400.

2. Mix butter, sugar, and eggs.

3. Blend in flour, baking soda, cream of tartar and salt. Shape dough by rounded teaspoonfuls into balls.

4. Mix 4 teaspoons cinnamon and 1/4 cup sugar in a shallow bowl. Coat each dough ball with the cinnamon sugar mixture.

5. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet.

6. Bake 8-10 minutes. Remove immediately from baking sheet.

s.o.t.d.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

Whats eating Dawn today...and other underwater distortions.

Becky: Tell me what you want, as fast as it comes to you.
Gilbert: Uhh...
Becky: Okay?
Gilbert: 'Kay.
Becky: Okay. What do you want?
[He's thinking about it]
Becky: Faster!
Gilbert: Okay. I want a new thing. House. I want a new house. And a family.
[He sighs heavily]
Gilbert: I want Momma to take aerobics classes. I want Ellen to grow up. I want a new brain for Arnie. I want...
Becky: What do you want for you? Just for you?
Gilbert: I want to be a good person.
(whats eating gilbert grape)

I dont know why but when i sat down to write tonight that movie and that scene just came into my mind. No...I do know why its because i had a horrible time at the clinic this morning,,,The pillow and Herb were sick and Highlander is out in the field playing weapons ..no wait buddy weapons....and so i had no choice but to bring The Rock, long story short people like to judge when they dont know and my poor son who cant help the way he works had about all he could take of the clinic and he just went into meltdown mode. All he wanted was to leave , go buy Edward the number 2 train and come home. Thats all he wanted. Sigh.
My life... its like being underwater and looking up you can see things on the surface but they look somewhat skewed...i guess i just have got used to that distortion......and i am ok with it most days i just get caught up in some moments........
And me i just wanted everybody to quit looking at me like i was a bad mom, who has a bad kid, handling a bad meltdown....badly.
I want to be a good person too Gilbert. I want to have all the right words to calm my son down and the grace to not throttle the people who dont see there is more than meets the eye when it comes to my "brat".
I want somebody to know that all i ever want is to be good. That i would be good even if it this is as good as it gets. That i would be good in moments where i am stressed and hurt and struggling , i want to be good when people cast opinions and snicker about me and call me names. That i could be good enough to just accept what i have and keep my patience , and my composure and be good enough to bless those who would pass judgement on me without knowing my pain.
I dont want my son to be Autistic, but he is.
I am doing the best i can.
I am trying to be good.
And my son IS good.
God is good....
But like John Bender once said "the world is an imperfect place...screws just fall out all the time"
So to end...
What did i learn today ...a random fact on how the phrase as Mad as a Hatter came to be

Mercury used to be used in the making of hats. This was known to have affected the nervous systems of hatters, causing them to tremble and appear insane. A neurotoxicologist correspondent informs me that "Mercury exposure can cause aggressiveness, mood swings, and anti-social behaviour.", so that derivation is certainly plausible - although there's only that circumstantial evidence to support it.

The use of mercury compounds in 19th century hat making and the resulting effects are well-established - mercury poisoning is still known today as 'Mad Hatter's disease'. That could be enough to convince us that this is the source of the phrase. The circumstantial evidence is rather against the millinery origin though and, beyond the fact that hatters often suffered trembling fits, there's little to link hat making to the coining of 'as mad as a hatter'.
So now i know
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1)

Why my yard sucks

As i drive home from church my eye wanders to a house i see almost daily, i can see over the short rock wall to their yard out back, where the grass is green and flowers growing so pretty there yard decorations almost gleam as if somebody polishes them on a daily basis....then i start to mentally beat myself up and vow to go home right this minute and tear out my whole lawn blade by blade and till the ground and buy some fancy grass seed that will make my yard a beacon of accomplishment for all to see!UMM....yeah that is till i pull into the driveway and regain my senses.
I Dont really have time to maintain my yard, for the same reasons my house is not spotless. And my van not washed on a daily basis. My time is occupied with my kids. No i mean REALLY occupied. I actually followed a thought out today to completion and when i reached the end i knew it would become the next entry on my blog.
OK here goes...so i wondered what would happen if you dropped everything and THREW yourself into something, such as the lawn, or going on a diet,or learning a new language. If it were all you eat breathed and slept. Would it not become your masterpiece, for all that energy and effort how could the results NOT show the time and work that you put into whatever it was...
For what we spend our time doing is what we spend our life doing. It occurred to me not to feel sad about my lawn. For i have spent my lawn care time in exchange for kid care time. We all of us know someone we see who has nerves of steel when it comes to watching what they eat, people who have such a green thumb they could grace the cover of better homes and gardens, some who have reached unbelievable heights with all the mountains they have climbed and others still who keep a house so clean one would never even know people live there...and what of those who spend their time caring for their children ...is not their glory then in the wonder of beautiful bright compassionate well versed kids....is that not worth more than a lawn that is green or a body that is super skinny or pictures of amazing travels...is it almost worth everything ....everything else. I think so. Not to say you cant do all i mentioned above just because you have kids because of course you can ...but i dont think its possible to be a master of it all, and if i have to choose between grooming my yard for glory or grooming my kids for greatness then i am pleased to say my lawn sucks. But my kids are amazing.
I know not everybody would agree with my analogy but i am so hard on myself sometimes expecting perfection from things that in the end will pale in comparison to the little human beings i gave life to and agreed to see that good work to completion.
In the end we will all be old, all flabby, to stiff to garden or workout, and when i look back at pictures and reflect on memories i want it to be of my children and family, and to know that i gave every last thing i could to my greatest task this life will ever offer me.
Dont get me wrong i am in no way saying i am a better parent than people who have perfect lawns and are raising kids , I'm simply drawing a line between the effort we put out and the results we see.
What i learned today is are there Bible verse notations on In and Out Burger wrappers and cups as well as Forever 21 bags..the answer is yes! I thought so when i saw 3:16 on the bottom of my milkshake once ...
There are many who make a big deal out of stuff like this and i always wonder why...if it is because of the God factor then how come having In God we trust printed on money doesn't prevent these same people from spending cash? :)
s.o.t.d.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
—Psalm 127:3-5

The dance

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance ......(Garth Brooks)

I asked my son 3 times if he wanted soup and 3 times he defiantly yells no...then i say do you want me to put ice cubes in your soup? He then yells yes and rushes to get the box of Lipton soup out of the pantry...
such is typical of my day with my son who has a high functioning form of autism called PDD-NOS. It makes for some pretty good think outside the box moments...i did not have much success with figuring out what he wants based on how i would think but i had some breakthroughs when i began scanning the world with a more critical eye, an eye for the things that may be the critical piece of the puzzle to whatever it is he may be wanting needing or crying for at the moment. Sometimes it can be as simple as a break in the track when he is playing with his trains and all i have to do is snap it back together and all is right in his world again....other times he has thrown himself to the floor crying inconsolably for something that just eludes me and he lacks the words to tell me...in those moments i feel like an incredible failure...i feel deflated and after enough time has passed either he will stop crying or i will have interested him in something else to take his mind off whatever it was he wanted to begin with.
I call it the dance.
Except only he knows all the steps, and i try and do my best to follow his lead. I have always been a quick learner and for that i am grateful, but this is above my pay grade and all i can do is pray for patience and ask God to put his hand in my life and give me guidance and wisdom to keep going...
I rely alot on intuition, i watch my sons body language for clues and i pay careful attention to what mesmerizes him. Trains, anything that involves water, video games of any kind, anything that involves a ball or anything circular in shape like bowling, bubbles,...his world is one in which he perseverates and self stimulates and constantly seeks to feel ...well...alive. For to be autistic is to literally feel disconnected from ones body and ones self. When my son is tired at night he will toe walk all over my house to keep himself awake, as that kind of walking stimulates his calf muscles and helps him "grip" the ground better he can feel more its like he is forever trying to ground himself , to feel connected...
I watch him when the wind blows...his delight is in the sensation of something touching him and making his skin feel the sensation of air swooshing by...but its something he cannot really see... not something he can grasp..so it amazes him.
In the mornings he used to throw crazy tantrums and freak out if i tried to get him dressed so that i could get the other kids to school, till his therapist pointed out to me that his body has just been lying down for many hours and in a way he needs to get his blood moving and be more awake at least sensory wise...so now i let him get up move around watch some TV , i massage his calf's , i tell him good morning while doing some deep pressure hugs and then i do not dress him until the last 15 minutes before we are to go...voila The Dance....and it has and is working , no more morning tantrum...now if only i could do the dance so well in the afternoons when its time for him to go to school..you see it is hard for him (i guess ill start calling him the pseudo name The Rock ) its hard for The Rock to transition from doing one activity to another , unless he moves himself. But if i say ok its time to go to school and he is in the middle of building a track, an entire chaotic episode unfolds until i usually have to physically take him out to my van...sigh. It can be exhausting. He has the strength of 3 kids combined. He is a big kid and has no qualms about using his size to fight hard....
Then there are the moments that he enlightens me...teaches me...and brings me to my knees in gratitude ..that he is mine and that God gave me such an amazing gift. His intelligence is without question , he is very bright, He has a gift for dancing and can imitate dances he see's almost immediately without help. He has an unbelievable arm and can throw and catch a ball like he is 8 instead of 3. He knows uncannily his alphabet capital and lower case...except when it comes to the letter B ...for you see to him a B is something that flies around in the air an insect not a letter, things are black and white for him and anything with double meaning is difficult for him to grasp...
Today we went to a corn maze and they had alot of fun activities he ran his heart out , physical activity is of the utmost importance for him, without it he would be up till midnight.
He got up on the jumping pillow and jumped and bounced to his hearts content. He would stop briefly only to eye where i was standing and once he had me in sights he would continue....
Then when he was tired and ready to go he came to me and without words , or tears or whimpers i knew he wanted his socks fixed and straightened so that there were no wrinkles, and shoes put back on Velcro strapped tight..
And in sync...without a thought our hands meet and we walk away holding hands but only for about 45 seconds usually his limit...and another round of the dance is complete.
He is the partner of a lifetime and i have never danced better than i do now...
My son improves daily and he awakens more and more as the time passes i pray for 100 % restoration which i know will come to pass , i see that it already is in its own perfect way on its own perfect path and for that i cannot say enough how truly grateful i am . Grace be to God for every little victory we recv.
So i end with my knowledge for the day...based on a totally ridiculous fear my children carry that zombies could be real...of course they are not ..right?
well not in the traditional movie sense but widely reported in places like Haiti..
Yes, says a Harvard scientist, who offers an explanation....
Read more: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,952208,00.html#ixzz10bWdG1pR

So in a nutshell i feel reasonably correct when i tell them , no zombies arnt real , they are not coming to kill you so go to bed ! :)

Oh and P.S.
The new not their real names names

Husband--Highlander He is Scottish after all
Oldest son-Herb a play on his real name
oldest daughter -Season a play on her name
Daughter number 2-The pillow a nickname she earned well
Youngest son -The rock a play on his name and strength

goodnight all
so.t.d.
The Lord is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27: 1

The bluebird of happiness

The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest
in all the details of daily life and elevating them to an art.

Happiness is having your child tell you "mom your the best". If i don't get that after a birthday party then i shouldn't collect 200 dollars and pass go.
I am exhausted, my back is killing me today for some reason, i even took a pain pill which i almost NEVER do..so while waiting for it to kick in here i am in all my blogging glory or something like that...btw I am going to buy a bluebird of happiness ornament for my Christmas tree this year..i saw it and am in love i cant wait !
BIG John goes home tomorrow and Highlander is getting ready to leave around the first week of October for a whole month ...:( . I am tired of spending time apart..it doesn't matter for how long it always sucks the same.
So as i watched all the kids at the birthday party bob for apples i wondered where that game came from ...so here is the info
Apple bobbing originates from Celtic times when Halloween was called Samhain in some Gaelic languages, when apples were associated with love or fertility. Some say this comes from the Roman goddess Pomona whilst others note that this game is an important part of the Celtic pagan religious festival of Samhain when families would gather together for a communal feast.
The current game is based on a New Year tradition, where whoever bites the apple first in the group will be the first to marry. The similar tradition of throwing rice at a wedding evolved from this, except apples were thrown originally.[6]
The popularity of this game is falling, possibly because people may regard it as unsanitary, although there is a variation on the game where the apples are hung on string on a line.
Girls who place the apple they bobbed under their pillows are said to dream of their future lover
so now i know...:)
Anybody amused yet lol
I just want to say that God has truly blessed me with my 4 beautiful children and my charming husband. When i lay in bed at night my heart is full because this family is my life and any night we are all here asleep under one roof is about as perfect as one could ever hope to have.
I think the bluebird of happiness is the feeling of being whole , not half not severed or fractured but to feel complete.......
Landslide , my eyelids are starting to fall down and with it they are taking all coherent thought....
goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.1 Peter 3:9

Autumn is here

“I want to spend the time I have doing things that make my heart rage.”
The Great Buck Howard

I don't want to complain and most of what i could say about today would be a complaint because i have had to deal with more mediocre b.s. and loathsome situations that waste my time...i can take alot of things but i cannot take it when people waste my time...its too precious to me and there isn't enough of it to go around.
Tomorrow is my daughters 11th birthday it seems like yesterday and at the same time like a million years ago that she was born i could not ask for a more beautiful obedient creative and loving girl than my winter..
Having a fall autumn themed party for her and i have to admit that i am a lil more behind than i usually am in the have everything ready field i am apparently trying to do my best under pressure performance ...which usually ends up being amazing :)
I already have some visions dancing in my head of apples and leaves and spice scented things and fall is here you know as in today is the first day of autumn....
My favorite season. The colors of my heart blazing and on fire ....
What did i learn today
I love riding the log flume rides at amusement parks they are one of my all time favorites and so i thought to look up where the first log flume ride was and to my surprise this is what i found
The first log flume amusement ride is said to be El Aserradero ("The Sawmill" in Spanish), built by amusement company Arrow Development (later known as Arrow Dynamics, and now part of S&S/Arrow) in 1963 at Six Flags Over Texas in Arlington, Texas. The ride proved to be so popular that a second separate flume was opened in 1968. The designer, Bud Hurlbut, drew his inspiration from stories of lumberjacks riding logs down rivers...
I will enjoy having this knowledge when i visit six flags here in Texas :)
Yes i do wonder bout some random things but isn't it amusing to be learning all this :). I know i have been enjoying doing this little pet project it has inspired me already. Learning something new everyday just really shows me how much there is waiting out there in the world if we would but only seek it.
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.
—James 5:7-8

The pursuit of happYness...

The pursuit of happYness...
Christopher: Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!"


Be careful what it is you are chasing after...at the end of ones life i believe that what we have spent our days in pursuit of is the life we will have to look back on. Make sure you have something worthwhile to reflect on.
I am not my car, i am not my weight, i am not the music i listen to or the clothing i wear. I have a soul i have a fabric i am made of and its not material its ethereal.
Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.
God sends us boats but we are so busy waiting on that next thing we let it pass us by because we are waiting on a carnival cruise ship not a rowboat.
well it is late and rest awaits.....but before i go..
What i learned today....... is in regards to the book and movie
Why is the word 'Happyness' spelled with a 'y' instead of an 'i'

Chris also spelled the word 'Happyness' this way for the book's title. In a radio interview with KPFA 94.1 fm, Berkeley, stock broker Chris Gardner explained his spelling choice
by saying the following, "There was a place once in Oakland [Ca] near the MacArthur Park station that became very, very, very important to my son and I at the most challenging stage of our journey, and they spelled happyness with a 'y' and that's why it's spelled that way... It's personal [the spelling]. It's definitely personal. ...That particular place was a day-care center, and at this point in my life just getting my son into a day-care center was a major, major, major challenge and I had to learn about the food chain of day-care in our country.
The top of that food chain is the au pair or 'the nanny' who is there 24/7 365 with your child. Then there's the licensed registered day-care center followed by the dependable babysitter, and at the bottom of that is something called a woman who keeps kids. Okay, she's not licensed, she's not registered, but she provided a service ...that for myself and a lot of other folks, for were she not there, we could not have gone to work. So a step up for me from a woman who keeps kids, a couple of steps up, was a place called Happyness, that day-care center."
And there we have it and now i know...
s.o.t.d.
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

Cookies and kids ..i am holding out on the good stuff.

I had somebody write me and tell me that my blog is too depressing . That i should write about happy stuff like......cookies and my kids. Really?? Surly this person never read the OTHER blog......i guess i need to eat more cotton candy....... Oh OK sorry .....my bad. So basically I'm not fluffy enough. Actually i understand that on more levels than you think. That is the problem in and of itself but dually noted and i promise to write more later and it will include cookies and kids.
Oh hell lets just get the cookie part out of the way now i mean i HAVE wondered where the tradition of leaving cookies for santa came from...
ANSWER
-The tradition of Christmas cookies for Santa isn’t an incredibly old one. In fact, it is believed to have emerged around the time of the Great Depression when parents wanted to inspire their children to share with others, especially in hard times.

-Straw and carrots are left for the reindeer. Hay was left for St. Nicholas's horse before 1821. These items were, at one time, left for the Magi's camels. Americans leave milk and cookies for Santa Claus. In England sherry and mince pie are left.

-The origin of leaving cookies is unknown, but an article for the Alibene Reproter-News (Texas), wrote the tradition may be similar to other European holiday customs like how Dutch children fill wooden shoes with hay for Santa's horses.

Do you know that the most popular cookie kids leave for Santa is the Oreo?

So i added pics of the kids .....
I understand. You want to show up and you want rainbows and cookies and kids and sunshine and hearts and flowers. I dont blame you. We are all of us searching for someone to make us feel better.
Stick to what your good at one could say ...so i am good at baking and reproducing spartan children.....yeah ok. I guess maybe i am. But i am also good at provoking thoughts and stirring souls.
Its only the world who cant accept me as both. I am actually fine with it.
Anyhow the hour grows late my invisible stalkers.
Goodnight.
s.o.t.d.
Lead me, O LORD, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face. - (KJV)Psalms 5:8

To be unique is to be alone

Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
(Dumb lyrics Nirvana)

If you want to know how i do it all i don't have the answer. No i mean i really don't have the answer.
There is a part of me that functions without my consent. And i am blessed for that.
What did i learn today , well considering my son is obsessed with Thomas the tank engine i always see that the creator is someone by the name of Rev. W. Awdry...who is that exactly?? It peaked my interest so i looked it up and now i know..
Wilbert Vere Awdry, OBE, (15 June 1911 – 21 March 1997), was an English clergyman, railway enthusiast and children's author, better known as the Reverend W. Awdry and creator of Thomas the Tank Engine. The characters that would make Awdry famous, and the first stories featuring them, were invented in 1943 to amuse his son Christopher during a bout of measles. After Awdry wrote The Three Railway Engines, he built Christopher a model of Edward, and some wagons and coaches, out of a broomstick and scraps of wood.[4] Christopher also wanted a model of Gordon; however, as that was too difficult Awdry made a model of a little 0-6-0 tank engine. Awdry said: "The natural name was Thomas – Thomas the Tank Engine".[4] Then Christopher requested stories about Thomas and these duly followed and were published in the famous book Thomas the Tank Engine, released in 1946......
So now i know...:) and knowing is half the battle ..i think.
I learned something else today or rather i heard something that i only wish i could blog about and i guess i could but alas some things we have to burn for fuel on our journey.
I am a rocket ship. Or at least i aspire to be as cool as the one on my fridge that one of my kids drew many moons ago....
Am i cool? Doubtful
But unique is probably the word i am looking for. I only wish sometimes that to be exemplary or unique did not also equal to be mostly alone....i truly feel that way.
Echo Test for Echo is there anybody out there. sigh.
Is there anybody out there for me or did all my joy go when she moved to the pines where the coffee is good and rain is plentiful. Maybe ill buy an extra umbrella and mail it to her.
Sometimes just knowing we share the same sky has to be enough i guess....
But praise be to God to have something so wonderful that i miss it so much.
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Jesus said, “If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.”
Matthew 10:39

Learn something new every day

Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: [while narrating] What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed. (Mr Magoriums wonder emporium)

I have a whole list in my head of things i want to do , places i need to go , people i want to see.
And i need to start on that list. Because that list is my life.
And i just refuse to write it down. Because then you know its real and i will actually have to get started on it.....
I dont have enough plastic tubs with matching lids to categorize my thoughts tonight.
Rambling again....
Have you ever thought about learning something new every day. I feel stunted right now, as in stuck. I feel not inspired. I feel bored a word i use so seldom that my husband has asked me several times over if i am ok...
I am ok in the physical sense but mentally i need a break from the mundane from the daily grind. I mean i cant stop doing what it is i do everyday or you know the sky will fall..but i want to in a small way add to my life on a daily basis to my personal inspiration bank. I thought about how we get here ...i think its by making to many withdrawels and not enough deposits. You cant wait for somebody else to inspire you...you have to inspire yourself.
So for the next few weeks i am going to try and learn something new each day based on questions i have or things my kids ask me or blips of things i see or hear or just plain wonder about just a small mental break to expand my horizen so to speak. Kids get up everyday seeking answers to everything , they wonder alot, learn alot, and ponder things that dont make much sense to anybody else. Why dont we as adults? Because we are trapped in our every day thought process of doing only what we know .
So todays thought is this --based on a question my daughter asked me today on our drive home from white sands ...why does a flag need to be burned if it touches the ground? I didnt know but guess what i found out!
The answer is
As long as the flag remains suitable for display, even if washing or dry-cleaning is required, you may continue to display the flag.It is a common misconception that if an American flag touches the ground, it is somehow no longer 'suitable for display' and must be destroyed. This is not true. The only rule regarding an American flag touching the ground (found in the US code title 4, chapter 1, section 8) is that the American flag must never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, floor, water, or merchandise. In the event that it does touch something beneath it, the proper course of action is to simply adjust the flag or the item below it so that they are no longer touching
So now i know and will share that info with my daughter tommorow.
s.o.t.d.

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
Zephaniah 3:17

Flash flood

The Quakers believe that you should sit in silence until moved to speak..now that is cutting it down alot to fit in one sentence but i think that i understand that at least on a blogging level.
We had flash flooding for a short while yesterday and as i drove through it after picking the kids up from school i thought about how crazy it is that it can go from sunshine to flooding so quickly....
then it led me down a daydream to my clear dome umbrella, this is it!! This is going to be the year i buy one! I like odd things :)and i have wanted one for years...
Ok and the thought occurred to me as i passed people getting poured on at the bus stop how when they left to go out to the bus stop there was no way they could of expected this so of course they did not have umbrellas
And that is life , unexpected things hit us and we get rained on....
I have had a rough week filled with some stressful moments and try as i might believe at times that the sky is falling its not
I am still here.
And the people who were drenched yesterday are dry today
I really love my husband, he is truly the love of my life, all this week when he has come home from work he has been so sweet and helpful and we actually watched 2 movies together which might be a record ..
I just see that so clearly no matter what i am feeling the rock of my life the Lord, and my anchor , my husband ,
keep me grounded when i might otherwise float away.....

The end

I wrote a whole blog and for some reason my screen went blank and it was gone. Crappy. But wait.
It was too long and the only thing real in the whole thing anyways was this.
Think about when you read your child a bedtime story, its fun to start and read but part of having a full and COMPLETE experience is getting to say the magic words
THE END
and kiss them goodnight
Sometimes the end is just as important as the beginning. Children find comfort in knowing how the story ends ...:)
As adults we just wish we knew how it ends...but i think its so we never stop going forward
After all if you are still here, if you are reading this
Its not the end
If your not happy not comforted
ITS NOT the end
If nobody kisses you goodnight
ITS NOT the end
so hang on cause some day it will be
SAVOR the story along the way.
Sending you love and light and now letting you go
Goodnight
S.O.T.D
“Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the
clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of
your hand” (Isaiah 64:8).

Crosses and Balloons in that order....

"To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with"

I never come here to this place with any real thoughts. Just loose change.
I sometimes sit with many bits and pieces i have collected throughout my day and try to figure out which one is the glow in the dark piece. Meaning there is always something that stands out just a little bit more than something else.
I never thought i would end up where i am today. Up until last year i was drowning in a search for all the whys. You see i know we are not supposed to ask God why, but like most i thought my way was the most important way. You see i what i really wanted was a different cross. I wanted something else to bear. I wanted something i could know and understand and control. I didnt want to take up the one i had been given and get going after Jesus. Oh i could see him, he was always a hundred yards in front of me looking back to see where i was and i knew he was waiting for me to catch up. He didnt have a damn thing to say to me until i did.
Eventually i got there. I caught up and in that moment i came to understand the WHY . Not because The Lord gave me a answer but because after running so hard and fast and almost collasping under the weight of that cross , slowing down to WALK next to JESUS sure did make my load feel lighter, my body not so hard pushed, and my lonliness not so glaring , and most of all my cross almost comforting because after all its mine to bear. Who then did i want to have come by and pick it up? I didnt want it... but deep down i understood somebody was going to have to "carry my pack"... who then did i want to push this onto? Actually i was tired , very tired and i really just didnt care anymore...but God gave me a strong heart and a strong back, and it went on autopilot carrying with or without me.
Look.
Sometimes you have to say yes to crosses. Sometimes you have to endure not because the WHY is rightor wrong but because it is all leading to a higher purpose.
I dont mean to get on here and sound like a pastor. I dont want anybody thinking i have gone off the deep end and am out trying to walk on water in my spare time, im just trying to say what a little wretch i was!!!!! I had been given what i was called to and i thought i could throw down my cards and ask for a different hand. IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY FOLKS. You play the hand your dealt. Thats it.
But theres a light in that. Through total surrender , through a crying screaming fit where i cursed the very sky i now praise asking.... no wait shouting "why me Lord!!! , whats the problem ! Cause if you answer my prayers if you would just come down here intervene and fix everything , my life would be ...wait for it...PERFECT!
Really?
God is so classy and he really does have a sense of humor cause i didnt hear what i wanted that day , as a matter of fact i didnt hear anything at all, he didnt talk to me when i was driving , he didnt show up while i was on the treadmill, he let me sleep in blackness.I wasnt even dreaming anymore as a matter of fact i was so upset i was so hurt so mad so angry so alone so overwhelmed i was barely hanging on i didnt even believe my tough girl act anymore , i wasnt feeling strong i was feeling pretty broken, i was on the phone with my friend crying and just losing it and then next thing i know it she is knocking at my door.
God was ready to talk.
It was after 9 at night and what i wanted no no no what i needed more than anything else in the whole world was a hug. My kids were in bed , my husband was sitting in a giant sandbox halfway around the world and unavailable on more levels than you can imagine and then just like that God shows up. My friend still talking to me on the phone was ringing my doorbell. Hugging me . And then then she leaves and im opening up my mail and there is a gift card to mcdonalds and another friend of mine sent it so i could take the kids for ice cream.
And then a long needed email is there when i wake up the next morning from my husband.
I needed to truly be broken in what i thought were some of my strongest highest places so that i could see that i could survive even in the deepest darkest places. That even when we think we cant carry that cross one more step, or that we are never going to catch up, or never be hugged again or loved again or eat ice cream again the truth is yes we will....and when we finally let go when we say ok Lord YOUR way Not MY WAY. We start to not only be able to carry our own load proficently but we are able to truly become our purpose.
My purpose is to love. Today in service it what my greatest sincerity to pray for Derrick, and Terry and Tom and Kenny , and to feel empowered that my prayers going up WILL result in blessings and protection coming down. That i am so assured , so 100 % positive that the Lord hears us , he knows my name , he knows your name.
What is your need today.
Im not a preacher im a mom of 4 kids. Im not even really a blogger i just pretend to be in my other life that i live like about an hour out of every day.:)
But i am a believer.
And a candlelighter
an imaginary piano player
and a Doer of this world.
At the expense of having others think i am flat out nuts , when i am moved i share that, when i am touched i thank that and when i am called i answer that. I am no better than anybody out there reading this....your life could be reedemed but youhave to believe that.
It is not by accident you are hear reading this or that im writing this, i dont care if only 1 person out there is touched by this ....that is enough.
I have at times mortgaged my emotional soul in the pursuit of just trying to understand all the whys ...
You think your never going to be back up again but you will.
When my husband was gone i sat in a theater and watched the Disney movie Up. I wished right there in the theater that he could be sitting there with me and the kids , that things were different , i wished that i could express how much i missed him and how angry i was that he was gone.
I couldnt do anything about anything, i couldnt even even send him a copy of the movie cause it would be months before it came out on dvd. So instead i bought a small pack of balloons and sent them to him.
And before i could tell him what it was for he used them for his range he was so happy he said it was just what he needed......they help with target identification.
Doesnt matter how good a shot you are having a little guidance never hurts. May be just what you need
Thank you for loving me.
:)
s.o.t.d
LUKE 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

The heart is a tart

Little earthquakes
in my heart
I can come here
but the heart is a tart
and the knave wont kneel
but he likes to steal
my joy

I am on an insomnia bend and i really wish it would end cause i really am tired. Somebody tell my mind to hush up. I laid in my bed today to try and nap and instead i gazed into my closet daydreaming about rearranging things hanging sorting straighning and then of course the identical sterilite boxes that i would line up evenly each holding something all alike. They would sit on the shelf in my closet and the reign of chaos and havoc would come to a end because once those lids were snapped on well you know it would look so awesome.so organized. so controlled . so together. It would be so detailed and amazing that i would hang out in there like my own little hideaway, i would meditate in that closet and find inner peace and deep breaths and the meaning of why i am writing all this random nonsense. Yeah then that daydream ended and i decided sleep isnt for me and i got up to close the closet door before i left the room.
I sure do daydream alot.
I have not been feeling as peppy as i usually do most likley because im sleep deprived and suffering from migraines that would knock a cow on its arse.
My husband once said every time he sees anything with a snowflake he thinks of me.
I guess that makes me unique or cold one of the two.
Just know when to leave and go.
I have no idea who that message is for but i was told to write it and so i did. so whoever you are out there reading this i guess this blog is for you because i had to fill in a whole lot of blank so that i could slip that message in. What am i now a blog medium? No i jest im just loopy from lack of sleep.But the message is real and im guessing that the Lord will bring the right blog stalker to my page who was supposed to read it. :)
I never made the baked alaska and i need to ..
I am shutting down now
signing off
ill be seeing you cause goodbyes are for people who are not planning on coming back.