"To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with"
I never come here to this place with any real thoughts. Just loose change.
I sometimes sit with many bits and pieces i have collected throughout my day and try to figure out which one is the glow in the dark piece. Meaning there is always something that stands out just a little bit more than something else.
I never thought i would end up where i am today. Up until last year i was drowning in a search for all the whys. You see i know we are not supposed to ask God why, but like most i thought my way was the most important way. You see i what i really wanted was a different cross. I wanted something else to bear. I wanted something i could know and understand and control. I didnt want to take up the one i had been given and get going after Jesus. Oh i could see him, he was always a hundred yards in front of me looking back to see where i was and i knew he was waiting for me to catch up. He didnt have a damn thing to say to me until i did.
Eventually i got there. I caught up and in that moment i came to understand the WHY . Not because The Lord gave me a answer but because after running so hard and fast and almost collasping under the weight of that cross , slowing down to WALK next to JESUS sure did make my load feel lighter, my body not so hard pushed, and my lonliness not so glaring , and most of all my cross almost comforting because after all its mine to bear. Who then did i want to have come by and pick it up? I didnt want it... but deep down i understood somebody was going to have to "carry my pack"... who then did i want to push this onto? Actually i was tired , very tired and i really just didnt care anymore...but God gave me a strong heart and a strong back, and it went on autopilot carrying with or without me.
Look.
Sometimes you have to say yes to crosses. Sometimes you have to endure not because the WHY is rightor wrong but because it is all leading to a higher purpose.
I dont mean to get on here and sound like a pastor. I dont want anybody thinking i have gone off the deep end and am out trying to walk on water in my spare time, im just trying to say what a little wretch i was!!!!! I had been given what i was called to and i thought i could throw down my cards and ask for a different hand. IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY FOLKS. You play the hand your dealt. Thats it.
But theres a light in that. Through total surrender , through a crying screaming fit where i cursed the very sky i now praise asking.... no wait shouting "why me Lord!!! , whats the problem ! Cause if you answer my prayers if you would just come down here intervene and fix everything , my life would be ...wait for it...PERFECT!
Really?
God is so classy and he really does have a sense of humor cause i didnt hear what i wanted that day , as a matter of fact i didnt hear anything at all, he didnt talk to me when i was driving , he didnt show up while i was on the treadmill, he let me sleep in blackness.I wasnt even dreaming anymore as a matter of fact i was so upset i was so hurt so mad so angry so alone so overwhelmed i was barely hanging on i didnt even believe my tough girl act anymore , i wasnt feeling strong i was feeling pretty broken, i was on the phone with my friend crying and just losing it and then next thing i know it she is knocking at my door.
God was ready to talk.
It was after 9 at night and what i wanted no no no what i needed more than anything else in the whole world was a hug. My kids were in bed , my husband was sitting in a giant sandbox halfway around the world and unavailable on more levels than you can imagine and then just like that God shows up. My friend still talking to me on the phone was ringing my doorbell. Hugging me . And then then she leaves and im opening up my mail and there is a gift card to mcdonalds and another friend of mine sent it so i could take the kids for ice cream.
And then a long needed email is there when i wake up the next morning from my husband.
I needed to truly be broken in what i thought were some of my strongest highest places so that i could see that i could survive even in the deepest darkest places. That even when we think we cant carry that cross one more step, or that we are never going to catch up, or never be hugged again or loved again or eat ice cream again the truth is yes we will....and when we finally let go when we say ok Lord YOUR way Not MY WAY. We start to not only be able to carry our own load proficently but we are able to truly become our purpose.
My purpose is to love. Today in service it what my greatest sincerity to pray for Derrick, and Terry and Tom and Kenny , and to feel empowered that my prayers going up WILL result in blessings and protection coming down. That i am so assured , so 100 % positive that the Lord hears us , he knows my name , he knows your name.
What is your need today.
Im not a preacher im a mom of 4 kids. Im not even really a blogger i just pretend to be in my other life that i live like about an hour out of every day.:)
But i am a believer.
And a candlelighter
an imaginary piano player
and a Doer of this world.
At the expense of having others think i am flat out nuts , when i am moved i share that, when i am touched i thank that and when i am called i answer that. I am no better than anybody out there reading this....your life could be reedemed but youhave to believe that.
It is not by accident you are hear reading this or that im writing this, i dont care if only 1 person out there is touched by this ....that is enough.
I have at times mortgaged my emotional soul in the pursuit of just trying to understand all the whys ...
You think your never going to be back up again but you will.
When my husband was gone i sat in a theater and watched the Disney movie Up. I wished right there in the theater that he could be sitting there with me and the kids , that things were different , i wished that i could express how much i missed him and how angry i was that he was gone.
I couldnt do anything about anything, i couldnt even even send him a copy of the movie cause it would be months before it came out on dvd. So instead i bought a small pack of balloons and sent them to him.
And before i could tell him what it was for he used them for his range he was so happy he said it was just what he needed......they help with target identification.
Doesnt matter how good a shot you are having a little guidance never hurts. May be just what you need
Thank you for loving me.
:)
s.o.t.d
LUKE 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
No comments:
Post a Comment