Michael Stipe with Coldplay - In The Sun

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
’cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

I would do anything for sleep but....i cant do that

Sometimes my life is like The Scream above...
My son doesn't sleep. Like ever. His battery  never dies , his body never fails him, we should all be so lucky.
Except i am not that lucky and i am tired.I took him to the psychologist today and they want to prescribe Ritalin. He has PDD-NOS which  causes him to be very busy almost hyper...its exhausting he never stops EVER. But i cant do Ritalin, its just not an option.Ritalin by its nature is a stimulant its not going to help him sleep...his behavior his excitability his hyperness i can handle, but no sleep is becoming a bad issue but i am not willing to give up all the hard work and recovery we have done up unto this point bringing him out of an autistic wasteland back into the light so that a little pill can turn him into a vegetable. Hell he doesn't even eat vegetables lol
I would rather stay awake all night every night and him bright and shiny than be well rested but get a blank stare. I am not naive i know if things get worse or he cant function in school then we may to explore more options..but the thing i don't get is how i walk in looking for something for sleep only and walk out with him writing up a RX for Ritalin 3 x a day every day...makes no sense.
We have done melatonin, baths, turning out all lights, cutting off TV video games and any other stimulating stuff, limited sugar dyes and other fun stuff in the diet. Truth is none of it matters. He is like the energizer bunny, as i type this he is off somewhere in his room playing toys and getting into books. When i get off he will lay down we will read the great green room and then the countdown begins as to when he will nod off...its insane. They wont give him sleep meds but here kid have some Ritalin...sigh x 1000
Its a tough job being a mom everyday something ...tom Season gets her braces on.
I feel insanely lost and off the radar lately
and yet everything under the sun seems to find me
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.” (1 Peter 5:8-9)

So back to square one and the drawing board.
May Gods love be with you.......always

It was never about the hat

For the past 2 years i have constantly told my son Herb to take off his hat when he enters a building....out of respect.

But he fails to understand why i need for him to do this, and really he doesn't do it unless i harp on him or he knows i am looking.

But

Its what we do when nobody is looking that is our true character

I had a young man in my house this weekend a friend of my sons who i don't know too well, but he always seems polite and i don't mind him. Well when i gave out ice cream bars to everyone he stopped to pray before he ate it. When asked why, he told my son because my parents say you should always give thanks for the food you are about to eat..even an ice cream bar.

Nobody made him. Nobody was here to remind him. Nobody would have told his parents if he had chose not to say prayer. 

He did this because he is an obedient son.

I pointed this out to my son in what seemed like the umpteenth argument about why we don't wear hats inside, that i don't care if he really doesn't understand the"why" but what i do care about is that he doesn't understand the concept of obedience. 

If you are willing to disobey in the small things, its more than easy to disobey in the large things.

I have caught him oh so many many times wearing his hat when I'm not there, seen it in pictures and watched him whisk it off just as i pull into eyesight.

But its not my eyes he needs to be worried about.

And it has never REALLY been about the hat.

Its been a really really long test that he continues to fail because like most of us being obedient actually does not come naturally, its a process that requires more than just our mind it requires our heart.

If  he cant take his hat off out of respect then at least take it off because your MOTHER has asked you too.

Your mother who loves you cares for you fights for you lives for you and has never steered you wrong has ASKED you too.

"True obedience is true freedom.”

How can i give rights, give trust, give freedom if at the most basic levels the smallest requests i am being snow blown,.

Truth is i cant and i wont.

I think that finally after all these years he understands it was never really about the hat

s.o.t.d.
My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.
(Proverbs 6:20 ESV)

Wait they dont love you like i love you...and why we should all buy cheese

Pack up
I'm straight
Enough
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say

Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Wait, they don't love you like i love you


They don't  care how long they keep you waiting. what a week...
Slam packed once again with everything and yet nothing. 
FINALLY i hope this months on end go to the field pattern has come to a small hiatus.
Damn Army. 
Stopped at a cute bakery, was prepared to buy pastries cakes etc and my son says what about some cheese mom, good cheese, tasty cheese, we haven't done that for awhile.And i don't know why? Because somehow i determined it was to expensive? Or we didn't need it? But we deserve it, and we love it and it was worth it, and we really should do that more often. But it took being reminded that something so simple as good cheese can make you feel like a million bucks. We overlook the simple paths sometimes....leave it to a kid to relight a snuffed out candle. It was a wonderful moment short but a great one. Gourmet food shopping is something i enjoy with my kids, they amaze me with their couture for food and travel and yet i know where they got this...:). They are mature in so so many ways, and watching my son select cheese as funny as it sounds was so neat, he was so confident and asking me for my thoughts on what he was suggesting...and then when we come home he slices it and puts it with crackers and makes some into a lovely grilled cheese sandwich he then splits up so that everyone can have a taste...it was bonding and sharing and at very LITTLE cost..and inspiring...
I have hired a tutor for math for Herb to  the lovely tune of 300 bucks a month which believe it or not is a fair shake and the guy is a certified teacher...hopefully it gets the job done cause my kid needs to pass. He is flying high in all other subjects but math is killing him. and me.
I tackle most problems with the same mindset work smart not hard.Sure there are probably cheaper ways to go,but this is going to be alot of bang for the buck because the taks test is in April. Besides i save money in almost EVERYTHING so that when i have to its there for other things. This must qualify as "other things" aka the s$%^& has hit the fan quick lets throw money at it cause we need it fixed quick.
went to the kids book fair at school today, bought a random kid a 16.00 book called silverlicious , she had no money and my heart about couldn't take it when i saw another small kid give her a dollar so cheerfully...and she had 2 pencils in her hand i said honey do you want a book, and she said yes, i said which one, she immediately yelled silverlicious and smiled and i said hurry go get it. I don't even know her name...but she left clutching that book practically floating on air and she stopped turned around and said thank you soooo much. 
sigh
Kill my heart
cause that is what alot of days are like for me
I'm searching for a knee brace for a 19 year old horse out at the barn who belongs to a lady who if i ever saw an angel for animals probably qualifies. She gives everything she has to those horses and she takes in rescues and horses that would prob go to slaughter. 
19 year old horse and a kid i don't know
but God put them in my path
And how you know do you HEAR the need and do nothing if you CAN .
I know i cannot turn my head. 
I only know that its all a cycle i give i get i give more i get more and it never ever ends
God he really is THAT good.
I used to worry so much how one turn affects another and all the whys and hows and what ifs
But i never had control of any of that to begin with.
I don't want time to go by so quickly...its leading me to deep water...
and I'm kinda tired
and i know how exhausting it is to tread in deep water
I know it now like the back of my hand
Didn't i JUST get to the place where i could finally touch bottom again?
Most things they just don't last i guess
In my old age its always some wistful thought that i decide right about now yeah..
ill think about that some other day
not tonight
Goodnight.
s.o.t.d

. . . in paths that they have not known
    I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do,
    and I do not forsake them.

(Isaiah 42:16)

He was the best of the best that our country has to offer

Well its here love day/ Daves day. And i realized something today , which is that i thought about David and Deedy all day. I came out into the kitchen this morning drinking my coffee and spending a time of reflection as it seems i always do on this day now...and probably always will.
I reflect on so many things , that i still pray faithfully for Deedy who is raising their 3 kids one of whom is ready to graduate high school. I reflect on the tray of tacos and burritos i made the day it was my "turn" to take Deedy and the kids dinner after the loss...how i drove so slow going to their house because i was trying to compose myself, wasn't even supposed to be driving yet as pillow wasn't even a week old and i was recovering from my csection still. How very "real" everything felt. How in that time and place i grew up and yet i thought i was grown already...how much i uphold the memory of Deedy being ridiculously strong and even being there for all of US when in my mind i couldn't even stand up straight because i was suddenly terrified of the fact that there was a very real chance that Highlander could die. Dave died and he was larger than life....he wasn't even in Iraq but about 3 days before his light was turned out.
I lost 51 pounds that year.
I returned to church full time.
I had another baby
We lost more people
Everything i knew before was gone
and here i am and the daughter who was just born at the start of that deployment is now 6 and another a third deployment is on our horizon same war different year...
and you know i go to Deedys facebook page and i sit there and nothing comes, i type i erase i type again.I settle on some heart in the sky picture even though it is inadequate of how i really feel still....after all these years ...
I am truly and deeply thankful, and grateful on so many levels for the sacrifice of this American family,who like so many are living every day without their loved ones because they answered the call that was asked of them.
Every year i reread the article Joe Galloway posted about David and its always the last lines that stay with me
"He was the best of the best that our country has to offer. All America should mourn his loss."
And i do Joe i really do mourn his loss and i always will.
What i take away every year from this loss is the acknowledgement that life is so short, none of knows when we will be called home.
It terrifies me and drives me to my knees in prayer for my own husbands safety, and makes me rejoice and give praise for men like SFC David Salie who continued to head into dangerous situations without a second thought because well he really believed in what he did. He was truly faithful.
and so i close this as i probably will many more years with a heartfelt teary eyed thankful heart, a heart that loves deeply and will not soon forget why today is Daves day.
-a copy of full article by Joe Galloway can be found here 
http://www.military.com/Opinions/0,,Galloway_021605,00.html
s.o.t.d.
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13

s.o.t.d.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal

The sound of scissors,the great green room and why the pants have to be just right

You don't understand. Hell i don't REALLY understand..well some days i do but most days i don't.
I cannot just BUY anything for my son The Rock.It has to be JUST right . As in Goldilocks and the 3 bears porridge just right. His pants have to hit right at the ankle, so i cannot buy them to big , he cant stand to feel the pants touch the top of his foot so i usually have to put his socks on first then pants. The pants MUST be soft movable and cannot be restrictive. He hates anything with a hood unless the wind is blowing really bad and then he will only wear it till he makes inside at which point it is immediately stripped off. He will FINALLY after almost a year in the trying, wear a shirt with a collar IF its super soft cotton or organic.
 He spends 90 % of his time at home in his birthday suit because well... to him clothes are a suggestion not necessary. He doesn't care WHAT character is on the article of clothing or shoes that makes no emotional plea to him nor make him want to put it on any more than he has too.
Coats are out of the question. Jeans must be as thin as possible. He likes thermal pajamas because they fit snug to the body providing what i suspect is some sort of slight compression which he in general enjoys. He will often approach me and ask me to do squeeze, which is what we do when he is upset feels ungrounded or is acting erratic.
He stays awake most nights till 11pm if not later, propelling himself with self stimulation, toe walking and constant movement to stay awake. BTW its the only time he toe walks anymore-when he is tired or if he is on concrete he will too.
All tags must be cut out.
Any hanging strings unnerve him.
He has never had his hair cut by anyone but me and that is an interesting experience in and of itself because the sound of scissors makes him cringe.
we end all nights with me reading him what he calls the great green room.
Not goodnight moon.
no
The great green room, where he stops to count the 3 little bears sitting on chairs
and watches me intently for the end of the story because i then say goodnight to several objects in the room and last its goodnight to him.
There are 500 steps to everything i do with him, and they cannot be avoided changed missed or excluded.
They require patience precision and endurance.
This is not for the weak.
Autism /pdd-nos it really doesnt matter
He is still my son
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
God says in James 1:2 to consider it joy when we encounter trials. Notice that God does not say if but when.

In bloom

I cant climb higher if i tried
couldnt run faster if i lied
Sensing every thing you say
is meant for me
in the perfect way
and i am just a bird chirping
Time standing off to one side lurking
Waiting
For its coming
Thunder rolling in and humming
An inaudible tune
But i am still in bloom
because
you loved me
first

s.o.t.d
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 

This love ,all the why's and no excuse except everything for not blogging

Well another day bites the dust. EXHAUSTED doesn't even begin to cover it. The filly Rumours has taken up a BIG chunk of my time getting her all squared away, and also getting ready for the FAST approaching launch of my business. ...plus its the Pillows bday party Friday night and as usual my hubby has been in the field m-f and wont be home till about an hour before her party starts.
I am so tired of him being gone.
I am really tired of the honey do list getting longer and the time he will be here getting shorter already...
10,000 sighs and not a drop of sympathy to spare.
Most people take having their spouse home for granite, maybe even get annoyed with them being around, lol not me i wait and wait and wait ...
It was brought to my  attention i need to blog more, i know i know
You just have NO idea what my days are consisting of . when i say i never stop i mean it. I really do.
But
in the end
i would rather have a life of meaning
than not
Some people ask me but why? I mean why push so hard why why why
Truth
I guess because i need to get it all in somehow
None of us know when our time here could be up
We always think there is another day...and maybe there is and maybe there isn't..
I will be alone again on love day. Dave's day. The day David died. And maybe someday it will be both again.
But for now its not, and maybe you know its the impact of it, the finality that lives on past all that the lesson that says love deeply, right now, while we can.
Somebody asked me if i have ever loved anybody else like i love Highlander.
The truth is no. I have loved on many levels.. but this love...
it completes me
it moves me
it comforts me
and defines why i still think its all worth it. And maybe people are afraid of the truth, that true love is worth it, that its all its cracked up to be, but as exhilarating as it is it can carry the ultimate pain.
We have talked about what would happen if the other one of us died. My heart it would go on but my soul would be sold..
and him all he said is
his heart would stop beating without me.
I just pray for Deedy still, for comfort, for maybe a chance to love again, but i know why she doesn't,
I really do.
S.O.T.D.
 "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong.


II Corinthians 12:9-10)

I believe i just bought a....

HORSE!
She is a beautiful 2 year old AQHA registered filly! She looks to be a great prospect and we may go in several directions with her!
My new investment and a happy one!
Now just have to get her pen all squared away and i should be able to pick her up by the weekend shes bought and paid for and ready to go with her new trainer which is my friend who i will call The Bronx :) from here on out. She is AMAZING and GIFTED with horses and i feel VERY blessed that she is my new partner in this adventure , after all is said and done i think this is going to be a great run :)

S.O.T.D.

James 3:3, 5 "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal...Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts."

Its like car shopping only worse

Well i have been up to something. 
Over the years i have invested in some interesting and quirky things and so far i have done well. This is going to be by far THE most interesting investment. still looking i am exhausted from the hunt but i think we are getting closer to finding the one. 
I have formed an alliance with a good friend and i a very excited to see where it goes.
Between this new adventure and prepping to open my own business i am so tired i mean i have been burning that candle beyond both ends and then some.
Oh and by the way have i mentioned i have the most amazing husband in the world, who backs me and all my crazy things i come up with....i just hope the Lord takes the reigns on this literally and blesses all that i am about to undertake.
I put my trust in him and know i will never be led astray.
s.ot.d.

I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. (Psalm 52:8)

Away

And He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a lonely place and rest a while." 
Mark 6:31

And away i have been. 
Sorry folks but the past 5 weeks have been nothing short of whirlwind. When the plate gets full stuff starts to just fall off, and yeah the blog is always on the edge of the plate...but here we are finally for at least a moment.
I am a mood person, i rarely can force or feign feelings, so if I'm not in the mood to write i just cant. I did write a rather lengthy update the other night and then lost it all in a cyberblip out of sheer irritation i just got up and went to bed never to return until now lol
Pulled in a million directions and yet mostly standing still for the moment life has been keeping me busy.
I have not forgot i am to lose 40 pounds,but until i figure out this hernia gig workouts have come to a slow crawl due to the pain i experience if i overexert anything in my abdomen. I go for hopefully what will be THE last scan later at the end of this month.
Found out today i will be spending a small fortune that could probably feed a third world country on braces for the 2 older kids but hey its only money right....sigh they DO print more every day. That's a relief hehe.
Well i HAVE been up to something, i am about to launch my business The Fairy Party Mother FINALLY!  Its been a long time in the making but i am hopeful that all will work out and that it will be fruitful and fun! Cause you know i needed More things on the plate :)
Highlander is in the field m-f till march then off to train for a month elsewhere and we are STILL awaiting word on weather or not he actually has front row tickets to the show and no its not the greatest one on earth but it is the most redundant ...sigh. 
So much to do not enough hours in the day...i find myself exhausted elated overstimulated and fulfilled in a way that i could never imagine.
I am on my way to being a business owner and that both thrills me and terrifies me. I have no idea why i am doing this, and yes you heard me right, but this idea it came to me and God has placed a certainty in my heart that it is without question going to be a success, that he is going to drive it into prosperity , and bring me to a place in my life that i want which is to be able to have the funds i need to carry out the personal acts of charity and help that i so very much want to be able to give. 
Yes i know totally bizarre.
I want to work
so that i can give more away
I really am that off in the head hehe
I live to be moved by things
to feel deeply
on levels that at times practically rip my heart out
but it IS my purpose
When you carry the cross at the center of your life it defines your actions, it brings clarity and focus purpose and meaning to all actions and in actions.
Because sometimes the things we don't do are just as important as the things we DO .
Things happen to me. people cross my path,ideas appear in my head,directions are spoken to me as if someone left a message on my voice mail...
I get tired.
Sometimes...
and then i sleep and i am anew well OK i sleep drink coffee when i wake THEN i am anew
where am i going with all this
who knows
wait ok
its obedience. its about simple obedience. 
For a strong personality that can be about as easy as trigonometry
and well that's exactly why you need to do it.
I do what i am told and it leads me to great and wondrous and sometimes ridiculous paths that sustain and create the sum of my life.
Thank you heavenly father for writing an adventure when you penned my days.
s.o.t.d.
Psalm 48:1 "Great is the LORD, and most worthy of praise

TCB

I don't know why but i just have so much stuff running through my mind, things i need to organize, things i need to take care of and ideas that need to be hatched. Maybe when i "get away " i have more time than i normally do to think about lots of things and get clarity and get straight. Cause i come home with a renewed sense of taking care of business. TCB. !

  I  just praise God that he gave me this heart and this will and i struggle sometimes cause i feel exhausted but i know how lucky i am to have the gift of being able to push myself.

  I also set some really big goals and i have all confidence i will reach them if i do what is required of me and do not detour :)

 My life is borderline insane already with all that i do and yet i cannot tear myself away from what i feel I'm being called to do.

One thing that has come to me is so bizarre and out of the blue it will require at some point its own blog or maybe 2. But who am i to question, in all truth i think God is brilliant because he sends the really out there missions to those who are crazy enough to answer the call. :)

As tired as i am i am also very happy to have such a full plate , i don't know what i would do without it all in a way. 

s.o.t.d.

"Behold, the former things are come to pass, and new things do I declare: before they spring forth I tell you of them. "Isaiah 42.9

The quest

Its the edge
of the world
and i know it

so well like it was my own hand that emerges to say wait

for the swell 

that will turn the tide of my life

and 

brings me back to the heart of focus

and the purpose of why the quest goes on

s.o.t.d.

1 Cor 4:5
5 Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God

Reflection and closure

Whether we wake or we sleep,
Whether we carol or weep,
The Sun with his Planets in chime,
Marketh the going of Time.......


As another year comes to a close i reflect upon all that has transpired this year and can cut through all of it to my favorite moment. The day Highlander came home from Iraq ...again. For grace be to God that he once again guided and protected and also in a very real way saved him and me all to bring us back to the place in which we began, and little can compare to coming full circle.
 The trip to palm springs has been refreshing and healing and relaxing and above all has been just a nice chance to get away from the daily grind. I have been giving myself permission to take it a bit easy and let go of the reins i hold so tight in day to day life. For everyone can use a rest. Its the ultimate chance to recharge and reflect and regroup. 
I truly have big plans for this coming year and am hopeful and ready for all that would come my way.
I am so grateful i was able to see my nieces and my nephew who by the way i have been praying for daily,and i saw people i haven't seen in years, and i know that the one thing that keeps resonating in my life is that we need to love deeply while we have the chance. These moments with others they do not..and they cannot last forever. We have to use the time that we have so wise and with purpose while we are in the moment, i cannot stress that enough. I am uplifted to show up somewhere and feel the love and welcoming that waits for my return based upon the memory of our past time together and the solid post which it forms and upholds and stays no matter how much time has gone by a resounding marker on my life path  that shows me the way i have come from and gives me a lighted path every time i choose to walk that way again.
I never stop longing for times when i was closer and more involved and more present but i am comforted and at peace with the monuments that love and loyalty and being true have created in my world.
I am grateful for the chance to live another year to continue my walk with purpose and my heart and mind strengthened by the words for my ear , the signs along my way and the people who come into my fold.  Humbled at the immediate examples of cheerful givers and amazing doers of this world.
I continue to be joyful and amazed at every birth of new life, and aware and reflective of all loss i am witness to.
I prepare a space in my heart to recv every task given to me and clear a path in my mind to follow it through to completion.
I do not take for granite that today i woke up with my husband next to me and my children sleeping in the next room, and the day awaiting me.
What a year. What a life. What a chance every day to get up and be me, the person God has created and feel that at least in my heart i am trying to fulfill upon the destiny that is out there for me.
I continue to praise God with everything i am and all that i do, in the knowledge that he is working for me and not against me. In the faith that whatever i am given will never be more than what HE knows i can handle, and the belief and acceptance that my life is not random and i am here for a very very important reason. I continue to pray a prayer i have been praying on for years and hope that this may be the year it is answered.
I also just want to express my true gratitude for all those who love and care for me and my family and who continue to be a light in my life and my path and who know who i really do try to be, which is just me. In all my imperfections and crazy agendas and insane daily schedule at the close of all days i hope i haven't offended anyone , that i loved someone deeply and that somewhere i made a difference.
s.o.t.d.
Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you: for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.John 12:35

Leave is upon us

As time goes by i find myself waking and living and going to sleep all in the span of about an hour...or so it seems. Life swells and falls in and out of itself with or without my permission.
I cant seem to sit still or stop long enough to blog. It is OK there is a time for everything and now just isn't one of them./
Leave is upon us.
We are going to our favorite place Palm Springs :). Where we always seem to have a good time and find a place that is always happy to see us.
Its so different in the winter than any other time of year there. We have several things planned for while we are out there, going to wild lights at the living desert, taking the kids to Minerva Lane which is a residential section in Cathedral City that is a few blocks worth of Xmas oooing and ahhing to say the least things like ...

and

The kids will love drinking hot chocolate and walking around to see this. It is something i look fwd too.
We are also going to catch a Tron showing, and do some baking and have some meals with friends and family.
The kids have plans for the Palm Springs street fest that happens every Thursday night.
This is the place i think we will probably retire to some day.
Highlander  has lots of ammo so they can do their shooting fun lol.
I love going on vacation with my husband...its so nice to be able to just be away , and most important be together.
My nephew was born and he is adorable!
I go see the surgeon on Friday about my hernia.
And i still don't know why but i am very very tired.
I have been dealing with strep and sick kids and dental shenanigans and lots of other hoopla that wont get any more space than this.
I wish i had about 40 hours in every day .
But i don't .
Probably for the best cause i would use them all.
Oh yes and last thought
Any decision based on desperation, is a bad one...usually.
You cannot "make" something be. It either is or is not. And no amount of time will change that.


~ You cannot go on 'explaining away' for ever: you will find that you have explained explanation itself away. You cannot go on 'seeing through' things for ever. The whole point of seeing through something is to see something through it. ~

 C.S. Lewis

S.O.T.D.

He will not let your foot slip—He who watches over you will not slumber. Psalm121:3

It will keep you awake at night.....

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[last lines]
Eli: Dear Lord, thank you for giving me the strength and the conviction to complete the task you entrusted to me. Thank you for guiding me straight and true through the many obstacles in my path. And for keeping me resolute when all around seemed lost. Thank you for your protection and your many signs along the way.

-Book of Eli

I have been consumed with several things at once , my 545 project , the foster kids we "adopted" to buy Xmas clothes and shoes for and these things sustain me and tear me apart all at once.

Emotionally i am uplifted and deflated with a synchronicity that floors me. The amount of need i see overwhelms me.I wish i had a magic pill that could fix each and every need.....

And i wish......so many many things.

I have had a emotionally overwhelming past few days.

It would be easier if i could turn off my heart.

Cause i cant save everybody but i want to.

But God you know he directs our path and once you KNOW this , it becomes difficult to walk away from where he leads you too.

These things keep me awake at night

I just want to be good

S.O.T.D.
To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven.Ecclesiastes 3: 1