Benjamin Button Ending....and a letter to Kenny.

Dear Kenny,
I heard the news you were gone while standing inside a Toys R us with my son and his friend. It was Highlander calling and i knew by the way he said my name that someone was dead. My mind raced to think who..my dad? My mom? And he then said have you talked to Kristen today...i said what happened to Kenny. He stumbled the words out"Kenny was hit..." and i said "Is he ok?" He was silent for a moment and i could hear the strain in his breath and said "He is gone". I feel flush, i start to sweat, tears are rolling, i motion for my son and his friend and we start to head outside. Its ridiculously hot in El Paso , the sun is blaring down on me, i am crying, i tell my son the news and he gets angry and concerned, he is saying to me" They should check more, maybe its not him". I hear him and his friend whispering together about mistaken identity..it happens all the time. I look at him and say " You know the Army would not have sent the word unless it was really him,stop it". I search for my cell phone and think twice. Do i call Kristen or call her mother Karen who happens to be visiting in Alaska at the moment because you were originally supposed to be on leave but plans had changed and your leave was changed, but Karen had still gone fwd and was there. I dial her phone, she answers, we talk briefly i cry uncontrollably throughout the conversation, and i hang up. I take my son to finish getting his skateboard and we leave to go home, my phone is ringing off the hook with friends far and wide calling to make sure i had heard the horrible news about you. Yes yes i had. I go home to find my husband waiting at the threshold of the garage door, he is waiting for me. He sends the kids inside and we stare at each other in disbelief. He looks so despondent, so damn sad, he is no longer worried about looking tough he is worried about Kristen and the children . We wait and wait, and finally that night i get the call from my friend and i sit in my garage for over an hour crying and listening and talking. You left in your legacy book instructions and wishes one of which was for Highlander to be a pall bearer and you wanted to be laid to rest at Arlington National cemetery  in Va.  Highlander was set to deploy, mortuary services are backed up, time goes by very slow , we wait for word on a date for your wake and funeral. And we wait to hear if command will let Highlander hop the last flight so that he can attend  your final formation. Finally we hear the word yes he can go but will leave to Iraq to deploy within days of your funeral services. We pile everyone into the minivan even Highlanders dad and take a 3 day journey across country to the services. We arrive into town and immediately go out to dinner with all your old friends and family members. Kris and I do a shot in the bar so her Dad doesn't see lol and i feel like its all a dream. The pillow and your daughter are embracing and laughing and inseparable as if they never left each others side. My son is making your son laugh with different apps on his cell phone....we give the kids big bags of toys and books and say goodbye until tomorrow. That night i stay awake crying with Highlander because the next day was your wake. We walk into the funeral home and i am caught off guard by the sign in book with a family portrait that sit above it. All of you from your brothers wedding.I stare at it a moment and feel so effing sad that your gone.And i file into a pew with my whole family. And even The Rock is quiet as if he understands its quiet time for everyone. We sing amazing grace, we listen to people talk, but the whole time i am staring at a crack in the back of the pew in front of me because its all i can focus on without breaking down. We file past your flag draped coffin, pay our respects. And then we leave but Highlander and many others stay to have a crown royal toast to you.  I wait at the hotel watching the kids swimming and wait to hear word to go pick up Highlander from the funeral  home. And when i go he is standing outside alone, all cars gone, and he looks broken. That night everyone went out to dinner, you would have loved it, seeing everyone from 2-69 days.But it was crazy loud and hard to hear..we drive back through Washington dc get into the hotel and fall asleep knowing that tomorrow was the day.
 I awake with Highlander sitting next to me on the bed. He tells me i am crying even in my sleep, he tells me to get up and get ready and get the kids ready we leave soon. I watch him put on his uniform his dress blues, and i feel odd because normally we are going to a ball if he has thoseon.Before we get into the car i steal the entire box of Kleenex from the hotel bathroom.... we get into the car and drive to Arlington. When we arrive i am overtaken at how majestic it looks. Lots of statues and a big entry point that looked as if it were from roman times. We wait there for what seems like forever a line of cars a mile deep. And then suddenly we start to move. We drive through a small winding road that cuts through the cemetery, looking out upon a thousand white headstones.People stop and line the road as they see your procession pass. We come to a stop and get out of our cars and stand in a crowd watching, where the horse drawn caisson is waiting and we watch as they transfer you from the hearse to the back of the caisson.The old guard is immaculate , almost spectacular. The honorary pall guards stand in perfect form. And although i have attended more than a few military funerals in the past few years i am unprepared for the sound of the drums as they start and continue in a haunting sound in procession as we make our way out to your spot. I cry the whole walk. I cant stop. We get to your place and there are so so many there to watch as you are laid to rest, even the secretary of defense. The service starts, at one point i believe a B-52 is flown directly over. I fiddle with my Kleenex, my hands shake uncontrollably. I cannot see Kristen there are too many in front of me. The volleys go off and i jump at the first one. Flooded in grief along with everyone else standing there. And just like that its over. We make our way to Ft Myer for a luncheon in which we also say our goodbyes to everyone we have not seen in years. Everyone comments on what a beautiful fitting place it is you are laid to rest in. I am left with a impression that will stay with me forever, and i know i will be back to see you and others who are there again someday. Kenny, your wife was the picture of grace and strength throughout, the love in her heart for you burned so bright it was holding her up. Some wait a lifetime to find what you two shared. I am humbled by what i witnessed, i am forever changed by the loss of your light, and i grateful beyond words to know that i live in the home of the free because of the brave like you. You never asked for much, and much like Highlander you were a sweet quiet humble man who loved his wife his children and his country. And there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about you. Think about all of us, the friendship that our families shared and still do, the love you shared with your wife your best friend, those little red headed babies you were so good at making, and how happy you were when you were putting out the Xmas decorations and lights. I bought a sympathy card for Kristen,its very pretty, it even has sparkly stuff on the front, and i never filled it out cause it seemed to sad. Then i bought her a I'm always here for you card, its purple and looks well..to damn happy. I didn't fill that out either. I cant. I cant sum up the way i feel in a card, I'm just so damn sad and mad and upset Ken cause the world is different now. And alot of things are different now. And i have no idea how things will play out into the future. But i do know that i love you, Highlander loves you and it is a promise  to you , a testament to our families friendship, that we will never leave your family behind. We will love them till the day we die. And that is a promise. I have to go now Ken. And this is going to close things out , i know you will watch over everyone, i know you've already been hard at work as an angel to so many and that you are at The Lords righteous right hand. I can barely see straight after writing all this. God Bless you and the ultimate sacrifice you made. Some people were born to be a soldier...and i know you were. Ill be seeing you...........

And the peace of God, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. << Philippians 4:7 >>

Counted sorrows

This is not the path I thought.
This is not the place I sought.
This is not the dream I bought,
just a fever of fate I've caught.

From The book of counted sorrows

I hope that nothing else happens....

• Saturday,19 Nov 2005
  I have sad and somewhat unnerving news from Baquba. My husband and several others were out on a foot patrol and they hit a ied along with some iraqi police.Five guys were hurt including a few of my husbands squad. How he was not injured he says he can only say is nothing short of almost impossible. He was protected by angels and our Lord. Of this both he and I are certain. He was quite distressed about it all and i could only listen and try to imagine living with those horrors he had to see today. But at least we did not suffer any deaths.Some of the wounded were helping the wounded, true HEROES! It is Gods grace many men call upon on days like this, and the call was answered. Everybody will eventually be ok as far as i understand. I am very very nervous anxiety ridden and i just feel over all uneasy. I am very worried about this last haul. It could be rough with the upcoming elections. There is a sign from my understanding somewhere on fob Gabe and it says "is today the day?". You just never know. I am gravely saddened by this news and am also very tired. I hope that nothing else happens . GOODNIGHT FOR NOW
  
  
  This was written so so many years ago and yet again last lines that always stay with me.I hope nothing else happens. Uneasy about alot of things but reflective on Gods mighty power that it can and will overcome all the world would throw out at me.

Bear all things

The strength of the ringbearer is failing. In his heart, Frodo begins to understand..




In my heart ...i want to come here and write beautiful things. Meaningful things. They are there, inside of me. And maybe they lie in wait and all kind of moments pass by when i could write them down. But I'm to busy living them...
  And that is what we strive for i think.To have moments worth remembering, worth reflecting upon. But i don't understand anymore if i truly lack the time to share it all here,or if its that i avoid it anymore...why why why
Because my heart is bursting at the seams with just about everything. And these things come to me and i understand that it is not chance. I am meant to hear them see them live them. 
Its something i tell you to be blessed with open ears and arms and have those who would speak to you trust you confide in you come...come to safety. And yet the battle is NOT mine, it is Gods. I know this and i try to shuffle through the feelings i harbour that i should  be able to fix things, make things better and have good advice. In these past few months its about all i can do to hear another heartbreaking thing from those i love and care for deeply. And then i reflect into my own pond, and find comfort in what i have and strength in what i have experienced and guilt for all i have been blessed with and i don't know if its a trade off you know? Pain for purpose. 
 I do not ever take for granite what i have. what i have been given. But i feel the pull of expectation, from that blessing.That i cannot grow tired. I cannot get old, too many people need me. That i cannot rest, there is so much work to be done. I feel like i am under Gods thumb but trying to duck because he knows me. He knows my name. He knows what he can put on my shoulders and what load i can handle down to the last ounce of weight. He watches me to see if i will do the right thing. He knows that i will not say no.
That i will carry anything , finish any task, bear any burden he sends my way. Because i cannot ever ever repay him for what he has given to me.
If i have ever deserved anything good at all in my life, i owe it to the fact that Jesus is the king of my heart, and anything i have or do i give praise to him for. 
It has been the longest road of my life to stand where i do today.
I just feel like i am in need of prayer. somebody pray for me to just keep doing the right thing...which of course is not the easy thing.

Mortality

As the years drive on it is without question that heartbreaking events such as losing those you love and care about bring you to your knees and make you look at your own mortality. That you are walking under a big beautiful sky everyday and without thought most days we take it for granted that we are even up and walking. I am sorry that my last real entry was so short but i had to take a call from my friend Kristen and i had been waiting all day to speak directly with her. And for over an hour until after midnight we talked and cried and held onto things so that the crushing nature of our conversation would not let our knees give out because by the end i know i could barely stand. And i cried when i heard the news, standing in a Toys R Us, i knew someone was dead by the way my husband said my name when i answered my phone. And i cried driving home. And i cried for 12 hours straight until past midnight and the phone call, my husband came to get me and lead me to bed to lay down because my eyes were so swollen i could barely see where i was going. And i woke up crying.
 I feel my mortality. I see the next year layed out before me and know it in my heart that this event is the start of what will be a very very long road. My husband is beside himself in grief. For Kenny, for Kristen and the kids and Karen her mother. And for me. And us. And all the things that just are never going to be the same.
 Last night as we were with each other i dont think we could touch enough, kiss enough, or hold each other enough, in an outward display of love and grief coming together to try and make sure we are both still here ...for now.
And i never ever understood until now what these soldiers feel when they say i feel guilty for being alive still after surviving when another did not. Because i feel that now. Just last week Kristen and I spoke of our future, and where we would all retire, and trips we would take and cocktails we would drink and now its all black, and i feel like i cant think about anything except how damn sorry i am that Kenneth B Elwell is not here anymore.
My husband has so few people he becomes close too, so few people who can handle his personality because he just doesnt talk much and is not exactly engaging company. And Kenny never cared. And they did everything from attend our daughters first birthdays together, to put up xmas lights together (Kenny LOVED xmas)  to go to Drill Sgt school together, deploy together, and in his final wishes he asked for Highlander to be a pall bearer should something happen to him.
So it is that our family will travel to Arlington National Cemetery to watch our friend and comrade be laid to final rest. And watch our kids play together under what will be gray skies and yet without them knowing they are the only sunshine available in all this. 2 kids who as i watch them grow up will never ever let me forget their father who paid the ultimate price, so that the rest of us can be free.
As we drink our Starbucks, and ponder what movies are coming out and what we will take out for dinner tonight. I ponder how my friend is going to live without a part of her heart for the rest of her life.
 I know that since the night i heard Dave died so many years ago i have never ever been the same, and I'm not ever going to feel ok. I could not know that God was preparing my heart Sunday morning in service, as they talked about The Twelve memorial stones in Joshua.4:1-24  Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; 5 and Joshua said to them: "Cross over before the ark of the LORD your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, 'What do these stones mean to you?'
 These stones are a reminder of a tough time, and impossible circumstance that the mighty hand of God came and made a way.A passage to a better place when there was no visible way through. 
 And i still bear my stone in my heart from all those who we lost before and now facing this terribly close loss i search my heart and my faith for that stone that i may be strong again. And that i will see that i did make it to the other side and am eternally grateful for the reminder that stone brings to my life. I praise God in this storm not for all that i see and feel is lost , but for giving me experiences and points of hope in all this despair that i can call upon to make me available to be strong for my friend in her time of need.


2 Corinthians1:3-4   What a wonderful God we have-He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy,
    and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials.And why does he
    And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement,
    we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.


I pray that God will use myself and my family as a source of comfort to their family in this terribly sorrowful time and that i would be able to handle whatever task that i am asked to do with grace and composure.

Just Breathe - Pearl Jam

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean, ah-ah...

Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

Soul crushing

 http://www.vosizneias.com/news/photos/view/601475669

Landslide

I feel like a landslide has brought me down. Our dear friend 1sgt Kenny Elwell was killed in action in afghanistan today. Our families were very very close. Their daughter Elise is my Pillows best friend. We survived a very emotional first deployment together , where we attended many services for those we lost in our company. And now the service will be for my friends husband, our friend, and another american hero is gone...just like that. And i have been crying since about 1oclock today.

Shake me down

And so it begins, a long road that actually begins without fan fare, without emotions or tears just a few pieces of paper also known as "orders". Its what tells time right now, in that there isn't much time left together as a family or  a couple. Soon i will go to bed alone and wake up alone. My grocery bill wont be so high and eventually my husbands Harley shirt's and socks will disappear from the loads of laundry i do every day. And i think maybe for the time i have spent thinking about it i have spent equal amounts of time avoiding it. In my heart and in my mind i just move away from it , like the plague. But with those orders things change. And so does my approach, i call the star card the insurance and cell companies letting them all know he is getting ready to deploy. And in my heart i feel nothing and everything.

But I'm like rolling thunder,

Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,
Even on a cloudy day,

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the-
I'll keep my eyes fixed on the-
I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun

Shake me down,
Not a lot of people left around, ooooh, ooooh 

Infinite

Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.  -- Psalms 147 verse 5

As wonderful and powerful as our human minds are, it’s still no match against the mind of The Creator of heaven and earth

I understand nothing, i just think that i do.
I sometimes need to be saved from myself

Love and light

Restless, much on the horizon...hitting small pockets of total exasperation and then...i find some comfort in knowing that God will always provide. People let us down, but God is faithful. Leaning toward the light and hoping that if I do all things through him then all things will turn out the exact way that they are supposed to be.I worry to much and i don't know why. Love and Light..
s.o.t.d.
Genesis 22:8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

Sailing

The King of everything
makes me see things
when i am blind
To proud to cry
sigh
Give me steel in my shoulders
now...take me
to a place of strength
Help me forge the river to the bank
make sailboats out of my shoes
sail me home
to
you

s.o.t.d.
Great strength comes from faith in God." Zechariah 12: 5

wicked thoughts

The wicked flee when no man pursueth Proverbs 28:1

This has been in my mind all evening. I think maybe i avoid blogging now when i used to run to it.I don't think i can share some things and well if i sat here long enough i probably would.  
I went to my friends daughters dance recital tonight, sitting in a darkened high school theater i was transported if you will at least in memory, to Valhalla which was our high school performing arts hall. A place i spent many a happy days. Valhalla, the place where vikings go to die. And i thought about from then till now all the lives i have led and the adventures i have taken and would i trade all those days in if i could for anything else.Cause i feel like i am old so so old at times and know so much more than maybe i should. And the pictures kept flashing by in my head like weird bizarre snapshots of some real moments of pain and some of sheer absurdity and yet others of elation beyond compare. And  i think no i could not trade any of it. not an ounce.  I had this surreal moment in my kitchen where i shared ever so briefly my infinite sadness that seems to be there hiding at the prospect of Highlander leaving. And dishwasher blaring kids screaming tv wailing i thought maybe for a second as i said that out loud that i saw highlander wipe away a tear.No really i am serious. And how he was looking at me and iknew what he was thinking. that i looked so damn sad. And just like that the moment was gone. And i don't know why it happened. But i had this dull feeling in my chest of acceptance and resolve that this is what his life is . and what my life is . And the statement is true, the wicked flee if no man will go after them. My husbands old captain from round 1 deployment to Iraq posted about 2 soldiers who were lost during that tour. And the story that my husband told me of that , and all of these things just well in me stay in me sedate me like soma. To a point where am i comfortably numb? Maybe.I don't know. I find no comfort in the memories anymore just wisdom that it has all led to here. where i stand now. And ill wake up tomorrow   and i will be off like a race horse breaking the gate. I don't want to grow old gracefully, but i hope by the time i actually am old i am full of grace. Like my friend Sarah.or Bridgette. maybe the only clear pictures i have of what that even looks like. I wish with all my heart that i did not have to spend the next year without highlander. He is the greatest damn thing i have ever felt, not known , felt. And its a pain i cant put a number to because the threshold of it is so high, will take so much , will bear all things, because its real its worth it, its a insanely insane love story filled with just about everything under the sun one could think of. Sometimes i don't even believe it. But here i am ordinary life extraordinaire.
who knew.

When things break literally and hypothetically....

Nothing strikes fear in my heart like the seeing that something in my house has broken. In the 6 weeks Highlander was at NTC i had several things fall into the broken, needs repair status. There was closet doors off the track, curtain rods that broke, a train table in disarray and a bike and 2 different furniture pieces that needed to be put together. There they sat till he returned, upon which one by one all of these  things were taken care of and a sense of relief and normalcy returned to my panic at the homestead. This is my life. No actually this is a pattern in my life.And one that cannot continue. For soon we face another year long deployment, in which ALOT of things are going to break.I mean thats just the way it is. The problem lies in the fact that  i have placed all my fixing needs onto one person, i have essentially placed all my eggs into one big awesome highlander basket. And when he is gone which is often, I'm in a quandary and I'm actually pretty aggravated that I'm there and its mostly because i see that i have again failed to create a plan B.As in backup..The truth is maybe i need to learn how to fix things when they break on my watch. I need to empower myself or at the very least hire a ridiculously awesome handyman who likes getting calls from panicky housewives regarding light bulbs that are blown out and curtain rods that have unscrewed from the wall. I tend to wait, and wait,and while waiting more things break. I think about how not unlike my broken closet doors the heart when placed solely into someone Else's hands suffers when things go wrong and fall into disrepair and it too tends to break. And when we do this we essentially are relying now on someone else to make everything better. This just doesn't bode well in most cases. With hero like status in my eyes my husband 1 by 1 methodically crossed off all repairs ,and assembly requests i had written down. And i was just beside myself with gratitude, because it DOES feel great to have that refreshing and have things in working order. But it felt terrible holding onto so many broken things for that time period. And when its a year...then what? And what of our hearts , when they break, we hold onto those too, waiting for the next person to come along and "fix" us. Make us whole again.Help us. Repair us. Right?
Nothing is simple. Nothing. All the things that are a pain in my arse and make me miserable are things that once i acknowledged were broke i should have repaired in a timely manner or i should have replaced.
It is vital to be able to know the difference.
I plan to try and prepare for what will most likely turn out to be a years worth of time in which i cannot let things pile up and sit waiting for repair. I have to be proactive in manifesting the solution and the repair as often as i can so that its manageable and not overwhelming.
There is an absolute intense love that exists between my husband and myself and it never strikes me deeper than upon having him return home after a absence. The weight of the empty space in my life where he so belongs could probably destroy me at times if i let it. And yet i recognize so clearly how lucky i am to have something so wonderful so amazing and so fulfilling that when it it is gone i feel it so intensely. But love is equal to the weight of anger fear and pain and the one can cancel out the many. But we must be careful to keep it all  in balance on the scale of life.This is ridiculously hard to do unless you keep constant watch. I urge you to guard your heart because the devil is ALWAYS waiting to tip the scales in his favor. And its never in pounds you know , its in ounces. A little at a time as to not be so noticeable , until one day you see things are out of balance. By then it can be too late. Guard yourself from falling prey to all the real and imaginary things that ARE out to break YOU. Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. For are we not fearfully and WONDERFULLY made? Then what if anything anything anything could keep us down? Not a broken curtain rod and not even a broken heart. God  mends ruined lives by giving them beauty for a heap of rubbish. As God promised Israel by the prophet Isaiah (61:3) “o console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified."
The Lord is saying that what is left looks like a heap of broken rubble but he can rebuild it into something of worth, that will bear fruit . In this repair God is glorified!!
In closing may God Bless you and heal you when you are broken.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
s.o.t.d.

A blog about nothing of consequence..well almost nothing

When i was young i was a energy force to be reckoned with. I am not sure i had batteries i think i had a solar panel that never gave out. Now its a push at best to stay the best..or at least something that resembles it. I am out of shape mentally physically spiritually. Tank is not empty just never full. I am forever running on half not whole, and that my friends does seem to take its toll. Yeah i know ...hearts are breaking all over America tonight, that iv lost my edge. Aww hell. 

I don't know the gradual drop off the deep end you never see it coming, cause maybe you know if we did we would hit every detour along the way prolonging the inevitable.

Acceptance is an art. And to be able to have this is something i hope for. Imperfect, and slightly neurotic but buoyed up by the promise that i can do all things THROUGH  Christ who strengthens me. Through . You ever notice what a powerful word that is thrown in there holding up both ends of that scripture? Through. we have to make it to the other side and if we cant go it alone well what a friend we have in Jesus......

s.o.t.d.

Well its still good to be 19

Today is my 19th birthday and its been rather uneventful. I actually celebrated on sat with my friends and had a wonderful time. The only thing that would have made it better is if Highlander could have been there. He tends to miss alot of special occasions, he will probably not make it home till after mothers day...
  I have been busy planning summer vacation, started a sep deal page and in general have not much of a moment to spare..busy busy.
 Seems bittersweet the time, as it passes. I  am wistful that i spend so much of it without my lovebird.
I look at people sometimes and wonder what its like to never have them leave, to have them come home at 5 o clock....
I'm really tired really really tired/ all the time. But i guess what do i give up?
I Don't even really have time to blog anymore and its a shame cause i think maybe i could be good at it but my life moves to quickly to sit down long enough to document most of it.
Goodnight moon
s.o.t.d.

I Hope you dance

My thoughts on the human heart are that nobody knows how much it can hold..or hold up to.We give away our hearts in earnest but of course cannot see all ends. Theres a line in some country song that says if you get the chance to sit it out or dance ..i hope you dance. We have to have life experience.,,,, in order to really live life.
Truth is love and pain are probably twin brothers. But whatever we face, whatever horrible unspeakable pains that befall us ,there is one who sees it all. And he has overcome the world so that we can take heart and live to see another day.A day that carries with it another dance, to another tune, that waits for us to learn the steps.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
 He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.

choice

"The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice." 
— Elizabeth Gilbert

s.o.t.d.

All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

^{Psalm 139:13-16} 

Jealousy is a disease

When my first son Herb was born i never left his side. Not EVER.He was 2 years old and it was the day i was having Season before i ever spent a night away from him. I thought maybe i have slipped over the years and then i was watching my son The Rock who will be 4 in June and i realized i have never spent not even 1 night away from him, in almost 4 years.
 Say what you want about me but i have been there for my children and if i escape every once in a blue moon, shame on you for snickering about my small moments when i am kid free.
Jealousy is a disease get well soon .
s.o.t.d.

Let not them that are mine enemies wrongfully rejoice over me: neither let them wink with the eye that hate me without a cause.
<< Psalm 35 >>

Prayers and poison

There is a poison that distills itself out of good things. 
            Bram Stoker 

I thank you for the prayers. I thank God for the answer!.
well its been a lovely fast paced spring break. Have had every single day filled to maximum capacity with things to do places to go.Helps to have the time pass. I pass alot of time, spend most of it waiting for my husband to get home.
Only to leave ..again.
He is going to be again leaving for a whole month very soon ...hate to think that by summer it will be just me again.
I don't  know what it means for things to last anymore. Seems like  time just goes by too fast and then its ill be seeing you time yet again. But yeah I'll think about that some other day..
So i have some haters by the way and to that i say God Bless you. People don't like me why? Cause apparently i must have a hidden agenda and i am generous and good because i am seeking something that i don't let on to...sounds like a conspiracy theory if i ever heard one but whatever.
I am actually used to it. The only strength i find in any of it is that people who feel this way must be missing something very important in their own life to try and drag down mine. But as much as i would like to care i find myself understanding that there are to many good and worthy people, true people, faithful people, to worry about the ones who are not.
Covetousness invades when you are not satisfied with the blessings God has bestowed upon you. 
The trouble it seems is they see something they are not doing or don't have and it pushes jealously or bitterness and sometimes displaced anger.
But..
Lets give thanks for all the good that still is left out there.Like a scattered legion there are some of us who truly believe in giving loving hoping and blessing without thoughts of what is in it for us. Without coveting anothers joys and with true fellowship for the sake of loving one another.
s.o.t.d.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.Romans 12:21 

Mumford & Sons - The Cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again