Nothing strikes fear in my heart like the seeing that something in my house has broken. In the 6 weeks Highlander was at NTC i had several things fall into the broken, needs repair status. There was closet doors off the track, curtain rods that broke, a train table in disarray and a bike and 2 different furniture pieces that needed to be put together. There they sat till he returned, upon which one by one all of these things were taken care of and a sense of relief and normalcy returned to my panic at the homestead. This is my life. No actually this is a pattern in my life.And one that cannot continue. For soon we face another year long deployment, in which ALOT of things are going to break.I mean thats just the way it is. The problem lies in the fact that i have placed all my fixing needs onto one person, i have essentially placed all my eggs into one big awesome highlander basket. And when he is gone which is often, I'm in a quandary and I'm actually pretty aggravated that I'm there and its mostly because i see that i have again failed to create a plan B.As in backup..The truth is maybe i need to learn how to fix things when they break on my watch. I need to empower myself or at the very least hire a ridiculously awesome handyman who likes getting calls from panicky housewives regarding light bulbs that are blown out and curtain rods that have unscrewed from the wall. I tend to wait, and wait,and while waiting more things break. I think about how not unlike my broken closet doors the heart when placed solely into someone Else's hands suffers when things go wrong and fall into disrepair and it too tends to break. And when we do this we essentially are relying now on someone else to make everything better. This just doesn't bode well in most cases. With hero like status in my eyes my husband 1 by 1 methodically crossed off all repairs ,and assembly requests i had written down. And i was just beside myself with gratitude, because it DOES feel great to have that refreshing and have things in working order. But it felt terrible holding onto so many broken things for that time period. And when its a year...then what? And what of our hearts , when they break, we hold onto those too, waiting for the next person to come along and "fix" us. Make us whole again.Help us. Repair us. Right?
Nothing is simple. Nothing. All the things that are a pain in my arse and make me miserable are things that once i acknowledged were broke i should have repaired in a timely manner or i should have replaced.
It is vital to be able to know the difference.
I plan to try and prepare for what will most likely turn out to be a years worth of time in which i cannot let things pile up and sit waiting for repair. I have to be proactive in manifesting the solution and the repair as often as i can so that its manageable and not overwhelming.
There is an absolute intense love that exists between my husband and myself and it never strikes me deeper than upon having him return home after a absence. The weight of the empty space in my life where he so belongs could probably destroy me at times if i let it. And yet i recognize so clearly how lucky i am to have something so wonderful so amazing and so fulfilling that when it it is gone i feel it so intensely. But love is equal to the weight of anger fear and pain and the one can cancel out the many. But we must be careful to keep it all in balance on the scale of life.This is ridiculously hard to do unless you keep constant watch. I urge you to guard your heart because the devil is ALWAYS waiting to tip the scales in his favor. And its never in pounds you know , its in ounces. A little at a time as to not be so noticeable , until one day you see things are out of balance. By then it can be too late. Guard yourself from falling prey to all the real and imaginary things that ARE out to break YOU. Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. For are we not fearfully and WONDERFULLY made? Then what if anything anything anything could keep us down? Not a broken curtain rod and not even a broken heart.
God mends ruined lives by giving them beauty for a heap of rubbish. As God promised Israel by the prophet Isaiah (61:3) “
o console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified."
The Lord is saying that what is left looks like a heap of broken rubble but he can rebuild it into something of worth, that will bear fruit . In this repair God is glorified!!
In closing may God Bless you and heal you when you are broken.
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
s.o.t.d.
