This has been in my mind all evening. I think maybe i avoid blogging now when i used to run to it.I don't think i can share some things and well if i sat here long enough i probably would.
I went to my friends daughters dance recital tonight, sitting in a darkened high school theater i was transported if you will at least in memory, to Valhalla which was our high school performing arts hall. A place i spent many a happy days. Valhalla, the place where vikings go to die. And i thought about from then till now all the lives i have led and the adventures i have taken and would i trade all those days in if i could for anything else.Cause i feel like i am old so so old at times and know so much more than maybe i should. And the pictures kept flashing by in my head like weird bizarre snapshots of some real moments of pain and some of sheer absurdity and yet others of elation beyond compare. And i think no i could not trade any of it. not an ounce. I had this surreal moment in my kitchen where i shared ever so briefly my infinite sadness that seems to be there hiding at the prospect of Highlander leaving. And dishwasher blaring kids screaming tv wailing i thought maybe for a second as i said that out loud that i saw highlander wipe away a tear.No really i am serious. And how he was looking at me and iknew what he was thinking. that i looked so damn sad. And just like that the moment was gone. And i don't know why it happened. But i had this dull feeling in my chest of acceptance and resolve that this is what his life is . and what my life is . And the statement is true, the wicked flee if no man will go after them. My husbands old captain from round 1 deployment to Iraq posted about 2 soldiers who were lost during that tour. And the story that my husband told me of that , and all of these things just well in me stay in me sedate me like soma. To a point where am i comfortably numb? Maybe.I don't know. I find no comfort in the memories anymore just wisdom that it has all led to here. where i stand now. And ill wake up tomorrow and i will be off like a race horse breaking the gate. I don't want to grow old gracefully, but i hope by the time i actually am old i am full of grace. Like my friend Sarah.or Bridgette. maybe the only clear pictures i have of what that even looks like. I wish with all my heart that i did not have to spend the next year without highlander. He is the greatest damn thing i have ever felt, not known , felt. And its a pain i cant put a number to because the threshold of it is so high, will take so much , will bear all things, because its real its worth it, its a insanely insane love story filled with just about everything under the sun one could think of. Sometimes i don't even believe it. But here i am ordinary life extraordinaire.
who knew.
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