choice

"The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice." 
— Elizabeth Gilbert

s.o.t.d.

All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

^{Psalm 139:13-16} 

Jealousy is a disease

When my first son Herb was born i never left his side. Not EVER.He was 2 years old and it was the day i was having Season before i ever spent a night away from him. I thought maybe i have slipped over the years and then i was watching my son The Rock who will be 4 in June and i realized i have never spent not even 1 night away from him, in almost 4 years.
 Say what you want about me but i have been there for my children and if i escape every once in a blue moon, shame on you for snickering about my small moments when i am kid free.
Jealousy is a disease get well soon .
s.o.t.d.

Let not them that are mine enemies wrongfully rejoice over me: neither let them wink with the eye that hate me without a cause.
<< Psalm 35 >>

Prayers and poison

There is a poison that distills itself out of good things. 
            Bram Stoker 

I thank you for the prayers. I thank God for the answer!.
well its been a lovely fast paced spring break. Have had every single day filled to maximum capacity with things to do places to go.Helps to have the time pass. I pass alot of time, spend most of it waiting for my husband to get home.
Only to leave ..again.
He is going to be again leaving for a whole month very soon ...hate to think that by summer it will be just me again.
I don't  know what it means for things to last anymore. Seems like  time just goes by too fast and then its ill be seeing you time yet again. But yeah I'll think about that some other day..
So i have some haters by the way and to that i say God Bless you. People don't like me why? Cause apparently i must have a hidden agenda and i am generous and good because i am seeking something that i don't let on to...sounds like a conspiracy theory if i ever heard one but whatever.
I am actually used to it. The only strength i find in any of it is that people who feel this way must be missing something very important in their own life to try and drag down mine. But as much as i would like to care i find myself understanding that there are to many good and worthy people, true people, faithful people, to worry about the ones who are not.
Covetousness invades when you are not satisfied with the blessings God has bestowed upon you. 
The trouble it seems is they see something they are not doing or don't have and it pushes jealously or bitterness and sometimes displaced anger.
But..
Lets give thanks for all the good that still is left out there.Like a scattered legion there are some of us who truly believe in giving loving hoping and blessing without thoughts of what is in it for us. Without coveting anothers joys and with true fellowship for the sake of loving one another.
s.o.t.d.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.Romans 12:21 

Mumford & Sons - The Cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

I cant tell

You ever feel as if your soul is on fire?
I feel tore down and almost instantly uplifted maybe its actually overlapping at this point.
The most interesting and yet almost embarrassing thing is that for someone who has so much faith why is it i am always so surprised at how very carefully God hears and answers our prayers. He is all powerful and for myself i  stand in awe of his power and love and i probably don't deserve it no i know i don't deserve it.
I heard Glenn Beck say on the radio this morning that all we really have is our integrity and promises and covenants that we make with God...The weight of those words could probably not have come at a more critical time.
Being that i write this publicly i wish i could write about what is happening in my life at the current moment but i really cant. I would ask though that if your out there and you are happening to read this please pray for me.Pray that God will hear my prayers know my heart and bless me with a solution , he may have already set wheels in motion but its to early to know for sure just yet.
You can be as good as you want to be but there are people out there night and day looking to do you wrong.
Bob Marley once said
"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." 

Let me show you how to play that.Little victories....

Most kids instinctively know how to play. Left to their own devices if you give them a car they will "drive it" if you give them a doll they will "play" with it.But for kids with pdd-nos and autism pretend play can be something that eludes them.But it is not something that has to plague them, because as i have figured out , it can be taught.
 When my son was small and i would hand him a hot wheel car he would grasp it and do nothing more than spin its wheels. He would not try and drive it push it or run it across anything.He would persevere on the circular motion of the spinning wheels and that is it.Then one day i put my hand over his and began to "make" the car go. Instinctively he tried to pull his hand away, and bucked at my forced example of what this object "should" do.That is until i used his own perseveration against him.I began to run the car in circles, around and around i went exaggerating the motion ,making car noises as i went. Like a fish attracted to the sparkle of a lure dangling in water, he came closer and started to watch me. He wanted his car back. Only this time he grabbed the car and with big wide circles in the air he whirled it around, exasperated i retreated to my kitchen. Upon checking on him a few minutes later, i found him laying onthe ground making circles with the car, blabbing out what seemed to be a strained version of vroom vroom that i had been using just minutes earlier. My heart froze. Time stood still. What was this i had just done? I taught my son to play. For a long time this scenario was repeated in the exact mirror way i had shown him, and other play teachings ensued, tea party's, "feeding" baby dolls, fighting 2 dinosaurs against each other complete with roaring and fighting voice over included. And then one day i saw him running his car along the back of my couch driving it in a straight line making car "noises" playing, on his own as if he were any other kid. There was a clear victory before my eyes, "we" my son and I had beat down 1 of the many "traits" that comes with having PDD-NOS.
.I asked myself to gather a list of all the "symptoms" "traits' and other oddities that seem to comprise this diagnosis and i pondered if i could individually chip away and ultimately slay most of what was before me. I knew it would not be easy . I knew it would be time consuming. But i also knew in my heart the answer was yes, it could be done. There were 2 things i knew i would need if i was going to pull it off. Endurance, and time, OK and maybe a little faith :).
My son wore a pair of jeans today. Regular denim jeans Granite i had to make sure he had socks on first so he wouldn't freak when he felt the bottom of his pants touch the top of his foot and i had his shoes ready to put on as soon as said jeans were on. Like a well oiled machine i did it socks jeans shoes all while he was heavily watching megamind on dvd. The distraction was the final piece to a puzzle that i think is pretty much solved. I started about 6 months ago with a pair of VERY thin move able jeans. I started putting those on him after i would rub his legs down with a bath towel after the bath. This provided the senses under his skin in his legs to wake up or to alert them, the rough feeling of the bath towel coupled with some small compression as i did it was a prep to then putting on the foreign feeling of denim, to a kid that up until this point has lived in cotton sweatpants and or shorts. He would tolerate the jeans for maybe 5min at first, then 10 then every once in a while 15 min. This exercise i repeated as often as i could.I did the exact same thing with collared shirts and it had the same success rate.I would put collared shirts like Polo's on him just before he went outside, one of his favorite activities, he would tolerate it for longer periods because he was distracted with being outside. Till one day i noticed he had it on for an hour. And then one bold day, picture day i sent him to school in one. He kept it on the entire time!
Sound exhausting? It is,on every level, mental physical spiritual.But the little victories are worth it.They sustain me, motivate me and keep me in the pursuit of.....
HappYness.
s.o.t.d.
 But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.

2 Timothy 4:5

Driven