Be Thankful

Be Stable - Joyce Meyer part 1 of 3

Lemonade in shark infested waters....

Its Friday and i am seriously glad! Today was so busy with all the kids needing to wear their costumes to school, The Pillow needed a treat for the whole class, The Rock fought tooth and nail because well he hates costumes....but he did finally wear at least the costume part, he ditched the hat and the eye patch and its ok at least he actually wore it. He saw no point though. :)

Have another crazy weekend to do with Halloween and my love coming home a party to attend church and a slew of other things that just HAVE to get done! It never ends i tell ya!

So i used to quote Dr Laura and say when its true love your "love" would swim through shark infested waters to bring you a glass of lemonade. I have been addicted to lemonade for the past few months no clue why....but i digress yes back to true love...so the point being that there should be almost nothing that you WOULDNT do if your true love needed it.
I am so annoyed with the army right now because they have ROYALLY scewed up on something yet again and it is going to take Highlander getting all up into somebody's face to figure out how to fix it. I shudder where i sit for whoever THAT person is cause i am not amused and he is PISSED. The funny thing about him is that people are always scared of him but really he is a very nice man, he rarely ever raises his voice or gets mad at others unlike me (hehe) but its cause he is so quiet that he brings the fear...so when he does flip his scrip people pretty much almost pee themselves cause umm yeah when he does yell it blows right through your soul. Its crazy. Anyhow my totally digressed point at this point is that i was pretty upset and he wasted no time in TCB. He really would do anything for me in the name of love. I KNOW this cause this last deployment when we were both pushed to the brink i had to hard line some things to him , you know tough love and he could of responded 2 ways , one could of been nothing and the other was everything. you guessed it he gave it 1000 percent effort. It makes all the difference. The response. I am a pretty extreme personality...i know this so does he, and honestly i have no friggen clue how the man lives with me or my nutty ways lol. But what i think we have that is vital is we know what the other needs and we understand how to apply that in a paste :). But none of it works without true love. Cause when its half love its half effort. When its kinda love its kinda response.
Marriage is not easy. Truthfully i hate how much we are apart, i feel like i spend the majority of my life being away from him. But the time we are together is THAT good . Without it being 1000 % amazing while we are together it could not sustain me while he is gone.
Its been said to love while you can cause you never know how long you've got. In this way of life that saying holds so much truth it almost hurts. None of us knows where our lives lead, and none of us loves as much as we should.
I have been taking some serious time to pray about my shortcomings (of which i have many) and asking the Lord to strengthen me in those areas of my life, while i am at "rest" and not at "stress" i need to patch holes, build up strength, workout hard both mentally and physically, cause i know what hunts me. .....
Its a black hole of despair that can swallow you up if you let it, i was never sucked in all the way but man did i come close. And now as i mull it over in my mind that i am heading into what will become our third deployment sometime this summer i feel like George Foreman the boxer..who at the age of 45, he knocked out Michael Moorer, age 26, to reclaim the title he held 20 years earlier. I am getting old but i have to stay as fit as i can because make no mistake its a fight just to keep sane and calm about it all. My poor kid will have had her dad gone half her life by the time she turns 6. It really sucks.
I asked him if he could do it over would he...join the army and the whole nine yards....all he said is "well its what i do."
I said "you know your really good at what you do" and he said "so are you"
And so there it is in a nutshell. We are precisely where we are supposed to be. And sometimes that is together ...and sometimes its apart. But are not the all the days of our lives already written? So who am i to doubt..all i need to do is just know that like George nothing is impossible. Not even surviving another grueling round of guess what is waiting in sandbox number 3!
I will survive. 
Thanks be to God who gives us our victory through our Lord Jesus Christ
s.o.t.d.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
 Psalm 139:16

The Xmas cave beckons.....Oh and im kinda tired tonight

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.  ~Roy L. Smith

You ever feel like life is piling up on you :) hehe

Some days i am superwoman and other days like today i am sitting here fighting the sleep powers that be and i don't really know why ,.other than the fact i am stubborn. hmph!

Talked to my love again briefly tonight was good to hear his voice although he like me sounded oh so tired tonight. 

I had a weird crazy thing happen today , somebody put out advance copies of toy story 3 at a certain store and as fate would have it there i was...

The Xmas shopping quest intensifies starting Monday ! I am going to see if i can top last years amazing haul , the one where i bought for my family, extended family and friends and some extra kids plus all my charitable donations for $523 bucks. Now if you only really understood what all that means its about 32 people plus the charitable stuff on the side. It was a groundbreaking year last year. I also GASP for the first time EVER did not venture out on black Friday. My love was home on R&R from Iraq and i had almost ALL of my shopping done already anyways so it was not really worth it. Last year i bought a TON of stuff at almost free or rock bottom prices! I had so much stuff stashed that as i started to climb into the Xmas cave (aka) my bedroom walk in closet i started to feel flush with how much "stuff" i had forgot i bought and had stashed for so long some of it came out needing to have the package dusted! This year with my sanity somewhat (hahah) more in tact i will keep better track of my list. I have so much fun shopping for Xmas its good sport for me. This year i hope to at least equal or top what i did last year in the way of savings for/haul but we shall see....

And in all of it one thing i do like to try and remember is of course the "reason' for the season. Plus i have my 545 project well under foot and i am growing so excited to actually see it come to fruition! 

  Ok i am being called to read goodnight moon and that's a date i dare not miss for its a short hop skip and jump till ill soon be the old lady whispering hush!

s.o.t.d.

Because he hath set his love upon me ... because he hath known my name.... With long life will I satisfy him...

Eye candy fate and shotguns

Benjamin Button: Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it. A woman in Paris was on her way to go shopping, but she had forgotten her coat - went back to get it. When she had gotten her coat, the phone had rung, so she'd stopped to answer it; talked for a couple of minutes. While the woman was on the phone, Daisy was rehearsing for a performance at the Paris Opera House. And while she was rehearsing, the woman, off the phone now, had gone outside to get a taxi. Now a taxi driver had dropped off a fare earlier and had stopped to get a cup of coffee. And all the while, Daisy was rehearsing. And this cab driver, who dropped off the earlier fare; who'd stopped to get the cup of coffee, had picked up the lady who was going to shopping, and had missed getting an earlier cab. The taxi had to stop for a man crossing the street, who had left for work five minutes later than he normally did, because he forgot to set off his alarm. While that man, late for work, was crossing the street, Daisy had finished rehearsing, and was taking a shower. And while Daisy was showering, the taxi was waiting outside a boutique for the woman to pick up a package, which hadn't been wrapped yet, because the girl who was supposed to wrap it had broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and forgot. 
 When the package was wrapped, the woman, who was back in the cab, was blocked by a delivery truck, all the while Daisy was getting dressed. The delivery truck pulled away and the taxi was able to move, while Daisy, the last to be dressed, waited for one of her friends, who had broken a shoelace. While the taxi was stopped, waiting for a traffic light, Daisy and her friend came out the back of the theater. And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn't broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn't broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn't stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would've crossed the street, and the taxi would've driven by. But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control - that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed. 


As if i don't have enough things to do i went and started another blog. But this one is just for fun and doesn't require much work lol more of a creative outlet than anything else. If there is one thing i love and appreciate its eye candy :)
I loooove to look at creative original or innovative items for adults and kids and sometimes you find something so awesome well you just have to share :)!
Had a weird message today on face book from someone i know telling me all my deall postings are annoying. That they overtake everybody newsfeeds etc. I had to explain to this person that they don't have to keep me on their feed they can remove me to help unclutter their feed and just manually go to my page and check it when they want to. It was like "oh" really??? I was like yes really. This person had not a clue. It really does help to sit and figure out your face book controls for your page because lets face it, sometimes you post things and you don't want kids or certain individuals or parents to see what you are posting, and also in cases like this you may not want some crazy cheap bastard cluttering up your daily news feed with tales of the tightwaddery lol.
Anyhow in bigger and better news i heard from my love tonight! Oh how i miss him and cannot WAIT for him to be back home with us. He may be missing the trick or treating we don't exactly know yet but what can you do right?  He mentioned he is on one of the last flights and that maybe he could switch with someone on an earlier one and i said well you could or maybe God put you on the flight your on for a reason, do you really want to tamper with that. His response? "Roger that mama " ....I think God you know he gets tired of us trying to superimpose our will over his. I am so guilty of that, and lately i stop and say to myself you know maybe it falls down this way for a reason. I mean can you imagine that if the slightest thing were to change how we could ultimately be altering our fate. I would much rather surrender and let the man upstairs guide my path to whatever end that may be, cause at least then ill know it was supposed to happen that way.
Alot of deep internal churning's going on over here, i almost had a panic attack of the most severe kind , my umm "aunt" was a little to late for my liking this month! And that CANNOT happen for it would be dire straights as i have been told no more babies! And BELIEVE you me i am all about following that to a T ! I love children i really do but i CANNOT do another lil one. My life is off the chain most days as it is. Highlander and I talked about adoption someday or foster parenting but i think thats just a bridge we will have to cross when and if we ever get there, as for now we are good with our own little fire team.
I have been eying a new shotgun btw and i think that is going on my Xmas list, i want something lighter than the one i have now.
This is just from my own personal standpoint, but being a female who ends up being the sole protector of my house while my husband is away on year long deployments for the army, i choose a shotgun for home defense (my dog is apparently retired now lol) . In a dark, hurried situation in which i may have to actually use a weapon , shotguns are easy to load and your aim does not have to even be that good to do some serious damage. Also universally almost everyone will fear a shotgun pointed at them, they are imo less of a chance of getting froggy on you than a smaller handgun. Also i have 4 kids and with my husband being in the military we have taught the oldest 2 how to use our weapons and expressed safety and knowledge to them in order for us to feel comfortable owning them. Now i do have very mature and mostly  obedient kids, one must use judgement when it comes to kids and any kind of weapon but i do think that having them be trained and aware allows me to feel better about having them in my home. so that is just my take on it and why i like the shotgun.. Knowledge is power and when you wield fear instead of knowledge about something you get piss poor results.
Its kind of like the birds and the bees, my kids know more than they ever wanted too and anybody else will ever tell them. If you as the parent cant lay it to them straight ...believe me nobody else will. From an early age we always referred to body parts by their anatomically correct terms and when asked where babies come from, anywhere over the age of 5 its game on . I don't allow things to be taboo or mysterious because i want them to understand this is real and this is not a joke. A calm straightforward answer that lacks emotional attachment and sounds more matter of fact seems to work VERY well. Had the neatest conversation with Herb about 1950's 1960's architecture..... spawned all from watching the Brady Bunch movie...lol and yesterday as he came home from school we talked about what he learned that day at school about atoms and how we have never "really" touched anything ...
When two physical surfaces make contact, we say they are 'touching' each other. This contact may make it appear that two different surfaces are actually touching, but in fact, no atoms of any one object can ever touch the atoms of another!
see here for a continuation of explanation
http://www.worsleyschool.net/science/files/touch/touch.html
so he said the next time the girls say "he touched me" i can say no i didn't "really " touch you! LMAO!
He is a teenager but he is a joy. His mind fascinates me. He is sooooo gifted and smart and sooooo fricken lazy! Someday he will get that he is truly blessed and he needs to take all that he has been given and use it to his full potential! Without having to be kicked in the arse to do it! lol.
Ok the hour is late and my eyelids droopy check out the new blog and enjoy its not like this one at all is basically....eye candy :)http://rockcandymama.blogspot.com/
s.o.t.d.
"But these things I plan won't happen right away.  Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass.  Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!      Habakkuk 2:1,3

Tough times don"t last but tough people do!

Sally: Just I overheard you talkin' to Mater.
McQueen: When? Just, just now? What, what did, what did you hear?
Sally: Oh, just something about a helicopter ride.
McQueen: Oh, yeah. Yeah, he got a kick out of that, didn't he?
Sally: Did you mean it?
McQueen: What?
Sally: That you'll get him a ride?
You know Mater trusts you....


I should be in bed cause I'm really really tired and yet here i am , here we are , once again. The thing about being committed to something is that you have to mean it. No i mean like you have to actually show up and be well, committed. People start to lean on you , hell i start to lean on me, and when you say your going to do something you kinda have to ...do it. I told myself that if i decided to blog again i was going to do 2 things , number one temper light with dark and try to err more on the side of light :) and two that i would TRY to blog as much as i could. It is not easy sometimes, because usually the time i am afforded where i can sit and do this is when i am tired and being lazy and don't want to write lol ok type.
When you put something out there i think most times people don't expect you to be good on your word, or they don't think you will follow through with what you say because most of the time we live in a out of site out of mind world...more than ever you know i feel an obligation to my family my friends even strangers to uphold what it is i say i believe and what it is i ..do. I am not perfect and again i just fail all the time, but i really do try to mean it. I try hard to think about the things that i do and the things that i say. I want people to know that i take my life seriously.
The most intense relationship i have ever been in, in my life , is the one i am in right now with Jesus. I mean its not easy, i love the Lord with all my heart but to walk the path he wants me and everybody else to walk is not an easy one. The the thing i keep telling myself though is that its a journey..and i heard something the other day i want to share here. Sometimes when bad things or unexpected things happen to you , you think Lord why me, what lesson are you trying to pull here? And the answer is , sometimes its not even about you. Sometimes God calls us to be a servant in a big way, he calls attention to our lives through hardship, strife , hard times and even tragedy. He does this to some of the strongest and most dedicated servants , that they may be held up to others for an example that tough times don't last but tough people do. So you see sometimes the bad is happening TO you but the LESSON is meant for somebody else to see. What a word , what a picture is there for us when we see someone we know or admire suffering and or endure hardship, and they do it with strength and dignity and praise. Is there not a bar then for us to uphold our own lives to? That we may take an example from the strong and apply it to our hearts so that in our weakest moments we can draw upon that example and say if they made it , then God willing I am going to make it. God knows how to motivate, make no mistake about it,and when you have said I am here your servant is listening, and given yourself to be used for the higher purpose , be prepared to feel some pain. IT CANT be all sunshine and rainbows, or nobody would ever learn anything. For as terrible as it is we learn more in trial than in triumph.
I have come to unknown territory in my life, as my faith grows stronger my resolve to take my hand off things i have no control over grows better. There is something happening right now in my life that by all accounts should be making me feel over the edge, and because i know there is nothing i can do about it i will not worry about it, I'm going to go to bed actually, cause I'm giving it over to him again tonight , he is going to be awake all night anyways ,...right? :). We have to trust and have faith that the words in the bible are not just words but words that mean it.
s.o.t.d.
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? (Luke 12:25-26)

The Weepies - World Spins Madly On

"World Spins Madly On"

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hello my name is.....

Hmmm I have never had an all girl trip...i don't know why cause i have a great husband who would watch all my kids and feed the dogs :) if i wanted to go. Well if he was home he would...i know several of my friends who have taken one and also when i was a kid i can recall my mom going on a all girl weekend trip to somewhere or another. Very exciting stuff , i just don't for the life of me know why its only just now come to my attention that i have never taken one of THOSE trips.
I also decided i should attend a conference, by myself. You know just for good measure. So i can claim i am going to learn something VERY important but really will enjoy getting to check into a hotel, eat out, sit in the hot tub, and watch really overpriced pay per view movies. :)AND wear a name badge! Oh yeah and it will give me a reason to use my really awesome zebra pattern luggage i bought this past summer that i just adore!
Yeah don't ask me what gets me going on these tangents cause i don't really know. ...
Today was a productive day in the home but at the pace of a snail, because i think in my sleep last night i got bit by a spider on my side of my neck. I awoke to barely being able to swallow and or turn my neck and my whole left side of my body feels weird , my left hand was incredibly swollen and i had to take my ring off cause it actually hurt. After several does of benadryl it went down some but i still feel kinda blah...
I did get my girls room cleaned up which by the way i hate having to go up there at least once a week to rummage the place and pull down trash , hang up clothes and straighten the gazillion books they own...but it needs to be done or will go way out of control.
I also spent time clipping and sorting and printing all my coupons for the week which you'll just have to trust me is no small feat, usually i end up sitting awake at wee hours of the night when the house is quiet so i can concentrate. Yeah the zen of couponism lol.
The stuff i do in any given day...like pick up the game mr mouth 8 times to include all 100 colorful flies that get strewn everywhere.
I'm telling you play-do, light bright pegs, decks of cards, game board pieces, 900 crayons...all in a days work.
not to mention the fact i never stop moving i never sit down and even when afforded the chance i rarely take it up because I'm always on to the next gig. yes i said gig, I'm a domestic rock star and this house is my stage. wow and on that note as i sit here and drink coffee from the largest travel mug EVER....I need to go wake up the rock who fell asleep late and i will be slapping myself for it when I am propping my eyelids open at 1 am while he is up running around with glee.
yippee!
s.o.t.d.
Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. James 1: 3

A light in the attic

There’s a light on in the attic
Though the house is dark and shuttered,
I can see a flickerin’ flutter,
And I know what it’s about.
There’s a light on in the attic.
I can see it from the outside,
And I know you’re on the inside . . . lookin’ out.

Today was a fufilling day , not overly busy...i cooked with my girls and we went to a lego event at toys r us where the kids got to build a lego car. They really had a great time and best of all it was free! Cant beat that :)
Then i dropped my oldest son and his friend at the skatepark came home and then baked cookies with the Pillow, spent some time playing with them and now its time for bed. Its amazing how the days just fly when you are enjoying yourself. Spending good time with my children always refreshes me and makes me feel unstressed because i lay in bed at night and reflect upon all we did and feel glad that i took the time...for someday soon i know they will be gone before i know it. It is like a light in my attic, things can be dark but the highest and most lit place is always where my kids are and the happiness i find in them, i keep them at the top of my mind where i try to not let the rest of the "stuff" go. After all its just "stuff" :)
I hope this coming week goes by quick i cant wait for my love to come home!!! :) I miss him so much and i am excited if he does get to go trick or treating with the kids :)
Ok well its off to relax and maybe make a few ornaments if i can keep me eyes open long enough.
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
“I have come as a light into the world, that whoever believes in Me, should not abide in darkness.” John 12:46

29 candles....and holding

You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without."


Tomorrow is my lovebirds birthday another one in which we spend apart when he comes home ill have a cake with 29 candles and holding.....funny thing is he will be gone for another month in April during my birthday...but thats a lifetime away still right? :)I mean things could change...they always do.
The one thing i love about my husband more than anything else (besides that he dances so good ) is that he has the most gently hands in the word. Like i am not kidding he has the perfect touch. HOW I donot know because to look at his hands they are big and rough looking but his touch is the opposite. The only explanation i have ever come up with is that he never hesitates. He is always sure when he touches. I swear if you were ever falling off of a cliff you would be so glad if his hand ever reached down to pull you back up, cause the moment it gripped yours you would know its not your day to die.
As the years pass i love him more. More than i ever knew i would could should. Time pushes us to understand the value of what has aged with us...that something could improve with age and yet some things like the eyes remain forever young.
Whenever i am with him i feel young again because love..... at least the feeling has no weight , its light , it isnt heavy, it carries itself.
I wish more than anything that we did not have to spend so much time apart...years really, years we understand we cannot ever get back.
Which is why time is not really our friend but it is a great reminder to get onto the purpose.
Love deeply.
I highly reccomend it.
Thats what he told me you know.
The day i finally said yes i would marry him. I said so i should marry you huh..he said i highly reccomend it. :)
s.o.t.d.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:7-9, NIV


I am not what I ought to be;
I am not what I would like to be;
I am not what I hope to be.
But I am not what I once was........

Good Dawn Hunting

Sean: Maybe *you're* perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will; that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...
Good Will Hunting

Iv said it before ill say its again, i am not perfect I am a bruised apple fallen down to the ground and laying with the rest of the bunch. I'm going to hell almost every morning by 8 am because i curse like a sailor. Was raised with, it am married to it and i guess its just a hard habit to break. No i lie, smoking is a hard habit to break cursing is just a filthy uncontrolled outbreak of poor word choice.
I live most days with my heart on my sleeve. open . no body armor. And if you know me ...no no if you KNOW me , then you know that. You know i live unprotected from even myself.
Because of it i get hurt. I feel pain. I have had my heart broken and my feelings trampled more times than i can count, but i would rather feel it all, all that life has to offer than to stay shut away closed off and dying inside. Yes its true, if you don't put yourself out there you feel little pain, but you feel even less happiness.
This week has been rough. The world has been trying to slap me down. And i have been
doing my best to give the other cheek. But i am not in the business of weakness. If there is one thing i cannot stand is for people to expect me to chase them down. I wont . I will not do it. I had a "friend" delete me from their face book page and they did this several days ago...now today its why haven't i asked them why??
why would i?? If it was a mistake then you would add me again , if it was on purpose then i will have to know that God had a reason and a purpose and my place in your story must be over...and i can let it go just as easily as you let me go.
But then you would be mad at me for that...that i can "let" you go so easily. You were never tied to me through face book , you didn't shut me out, delete me, disable me through social networking...no no you severed the tie that was forged in REAL life not online facades...
I have been deleted , i have had 2 people point out to me this week some horrible faults i have, i had a neighbor tell a outright lie about me, and to top it all off i got called a biblethumper AGAIN from the same person who told me at one point "yeah i don't do GOD so i wouldn't normally keep you on my friends list but i love your deals.
Let me tell you something, from this deleted faulty bible thumping mama..
then let me go.
If I'm not working in your life ...let me go..if i make you mad and irritate you with my love of the Lord then delete me, If my imperfect ways are dragging you down then cut me loose, if your tongue cant find a nice word to say about me then stop talking to me, if my blog aggravates you then don't read it, if your vain enough to think everything i write is about you then so be it. You don't want to deal with me then ....don't.
I CANNOT please everybody.
My husband told me today but you have me...and you have the kids and that's everything, you know us and you know we love you unconditionally no matter good or bad.....
So yes i guess i could quit living in such full hue but then i wouldn't be me anymore i would be a watered down version of myself....
I am sorry this post had to go on blast but enough is enough. Tear me down , tear me apart, but the fact still remains...that i would still rather put it all out there into all the unsafe places , into all the failed relations,broken friendships and worldly ties that makes losing hurt...if you have lost it means you tried for something. Which is better than winning nothing.
And if it means i get deleted or lied about then its worth it, because for every crappy thing that has happened so far this week 100 more amazing things have happened right along side it.
Praise be to GOD that my back doesn't bow only my heart sinks a little....

s.o.t.d
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.
(Psalm 37:24)

Anyways.........

Which one of these can you relate to...take your pick.
Its like reading a whos who list of my life lol/Thank you to ------ for sending this around again as it really struck a chord. I cant wait Halloween is coming , my lover is going to be home soon and the holiday season fast approches...the world is wonderful when it is full Enjoy and be blessed....and do it anyways :)

Mother Teresa placed it on her children's home in Calcutta

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but will attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

S.O.T.D.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

All things new

"Behold I Make All Things New"



So yesterday was kind of a crazy day...The Rocks normal Sunday school teacher was not there and so he had to sit thru the first half of service with us which was uhh interesting lol. He did get up and dance to the music at one point and i felt very blessed that he is here and he is mine, and glory to God for he as well as the pillow are a miracle by all accounts...most of you know but for the few who may not i had my tubes tied after i had my second child and i had my tubes untied several years after highlander and I were already married and was pregnant within 2 months of having them undone :). With God ALL things are possible!
I cant believe i wear reading glasses now! And the more i wear them the more i see (no pun intended lol) that i REALLY needed them! Oh my i was straining my eyes so bad i can see (hehe) a huge difference in how i feel from not straining now :)
Its always the small things that can mess you up, the pebble in your shoe, a paper cut to the finger, but i think the key is to take the time to stop and actually figure out what the problem is and then fix it and carry on.
Last night i thought alot about myself my actions and how all of it is bound up to create my life...and its a crazy one for sure. But you know what its mine. And this is me. One of my greatest attributes is that i know how to live to see another day.
Do you even understand how valuable that is?
My husband made me laugh so hard last night ..we have been joking back and forth about being ufc fighters for Halloween and creating an octagon in the front yard....as i lamented to him last night how i feel like nobody understands me , he said well that's cause your hard to understand..you just don't fit into any mold.
I said yeah and hows that, he said well let me see if i can explain....its like your the sweetest girl in the world but you have one of the strongest personalities.
And just when i thought he was about to lecture me on how I'm not every body's cup of tea...he says "if you were to actually get into the octagon with someone for a fight . they would have to break your arm in order to stop the fight because short of that you would NEVER tap out....right?" But people would not bet on that with you it would surprise them.
I was dying with laughter at this point because as we joked about brawling in our front yard the other day he told me he would own my butt and i said NEVER i will never tap out you would have to kill me first and he said i know....that's the problem with you lmao!
ahh Highlander you make me smile wide, and as long as he understands me that is all that truly counts
I am lucky to have such a wise man in my life.
I am glad that today was a new day, the sun was shining i have my beautiful kids my loving husband and devoted dogs. a nice home, and am blessed to have a God that can make all things new. For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.
All we can do is wake up with the knowledge that he loves us and wants us to be happy and will help guide our path. He alone weighs the heart.
s.o.t.d
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Matthew 7:3

Rain down on me

I am under my umbrella and dreaming.


s.o.t.d.
PSALM 139
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Why we should all run our own race...after all we are born to do just that.

You never know how far you can go unless you run. (secretariat)
So the house is finally quiet, had a wonderfully lazy early part of the day where i putzed around in my new butterfly thermal pajama bottoms :). Then tried taking my son and his friend to the skate park on post only to see it be closed again ...ugh. Not sure what is up with that but it is frustrating. Then later in the afternoon i took the little kids to the drop in weekend daycare for a few hours while the older 2 and I went and saw secretariat and then hit the goodwill to look for the components to my son Herbs Halloween costume. He is going to be a old man! He is a great character actor and does amazing voice impressions,,,so i think it is going to be a awesome idea as i know he will really get into it. I'm trying to talk him into carting around a bunch of balloons like the old man in the movie Up.
Cant wait till my love comes home, so far i have been lucky to get to talk or text every day since he left, but they are getting ready to go out to the box where they cant take their cell phones...but once out he should be loading up to fly home soon ! Hooray!
I bought a really cool jacket for church at the goodwill tonight and my kids just rolled their eyes "oh mom its too old looking" what???
But then i looked at them and said IF I'M OLD YOU MADE ME THIS WAY LOL
They really enjoy when they have my time and attention, to be without the little ones for a few hours is a nice break for us all. I can tell the older 2 relish that time . It was something i started to do when Highlander was deployed last time...
So the thing i got from watching this movie which by the way is a GREAT family movie! Is how wonderful and beautiful it is to see this horse be born and live and accomplish what he was put here to do...in his case to run. He is a race horse after all. And can you imagine if we all fufilled our purpose so perfectly as did secretariat? To be able to look back down the track and see we have broken far away from the pack and are running our OWN race,doing what we are meant to do.
Is there anything more beautiful than to do what we are meant to do?
Like a woman giving birth..we were put here as female to essentially give new life. Which is why each and every time i gave birth i felt so fufilled , because it WAS what i was put here to do...be a mother. Not to say those who adopt or such are not fufilled...no contrary they probably are more so because they went out there and went after their destiny with hard work and then a wonderful reward ....to be a parent. To have a child.
Or to see a doctor use his hands for surgery
or a painter create art.
To just be able to pursue what we are here for....
Amazing. And the owner played by Diane Lane..she was a mother of 4 kids and she was a fighter! So refreshing and uplifting. I Love horse racing anyways ..iv had my eye on Zenyatta and i cant wait for the next big race :)
Well church tomorrow so i better get some rest in , seems i close my eyes and its already time to wake up...
Hope to get a craft in tomorrow afternoon with the kids if i do ill post the pics :)
Night
s.o.t.d.
"I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."
Romans 9:17

Thanks Dolly

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
Dolly Parton

s.o.t.d.
1 Peter 4:12-13,19
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed... So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

Hidden in plain view

Ms. Nora Digger Dinsmoor: She'll only break your heart, it's a fact. And even though I warn you, even though I guarantee you that the girl will only hurt you terribly, you'll still pursue her. Ain't love grand? (Great Expectations)

Bob: You know I'm retired from hero work.
Edna: As am I, Robert, yet here we are.
(The Incredibles)
I love that line.....


I must be the most unexpected housewife on the block.
Deeper lighter and darker than i could ever look on the surface
Filled with all my life
Walking around filled with so many others lives
Try to make it all count
If there is a war that ever was waged that was worth fighting for, i guess that would be for love.
There is such a fine line that one must walk in matters of the heart.
I took a chance that probably 99 % of the population did not think would be worth it let alone work out.
But here we are.
I Have grown ever more cautious in my ripe old age (hehe)
And when i see those i love take risk
i want to launch after them with a roll of charmin
wrapping them up
binding them up
to cushion the impact
in case they fall
But really God did not put me in the toilet paper business
he put me in the business of love
so i feel things so deeply
because i have loved deeply and lost
and i have loved deeply and won
and the distance between the two is about a centimeter at best
Blink and you could fall off the face of the planet.
Who am i to give advice right?
I married my husband after a short 4 month courtship. on the heels of demise.
It was supposed to be a rebound...so i was told
Which rebound by definition is
1. To spring or bounce back after hitting or colliding with something.
I guess i collided with true love
But how could i have known it would all work out?
Truth is i didnt
I just took a chance
And he had to convince me for it was saying yes to doing something that was offbeat
but when i did
I regained my heartbeat.
For i had lost the sparkle that was my life, trapped in something that defined me but was not me.
I just don't know it had to be divine intervention right?
Cause he was supposed to break my heart and leave me after the excitement wore off
and instead
he found me
and although nobody would probably believe me because i agree it seems to good to be true
We have an amazing love, its not sparks its fireworks when we are together, its my heart skipping a beat every time he walks in my door
and my heart dropping 10 feet every time he leaves.
Its a ironclad knowledge that this is true love.
That when we see each other after any time apart it is like 2 puzzle pieces that complete a bigger picture.
I have often wished that for everybody.
God please help someone i care about to make the right choice for you are not the God of confusion but of peace.
I thought i was retired from being a hero for love
and yet here i am...pouring my heart out yet again.
S.O.T.D.
God has poured out his love into our hearts.
- Romans 5:5

Some things last

- Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothing lasts, and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.
The curious case of Benjamin Button


When we went to Disneyland this past summer i knew it was going to be tough. With my son being Autistic and having crazy sensory issues i knew Disney would be a challenge but what i did not expect was that it would inspire my heart and reaffirm why God trusted me so much he gave me such a special angel.
I woke earlier than everyone and went to bed last every day in order to get everything ready for a happy day.
I carried my son till my arms wanted to break off because he was scared of alot of things and overstimulated at times. But as long as i was holding him he was willing to keep going...and so was I.
I held him close when fireworks went off bracing him as to not have the jolt of sound scare him.
I never let go of him on any ride that was dark even if all i could do was hold his hand.
I sat and watched him run through water sprinklers while everybody else rode the rides because that is what he needed at the moment.
I waited in a line for 45 minutes to get his fries since that is all he would eat.
I begged Buzz Light year out loud as he started to walk away from a meet and greet 'one more please for my son" shouting so loud everyone within Tommorowland turned to look.
Buzz stopped and motioned for my son to come over even though he could see he was scared and unsure he waved at him and my son was over the moon.
I pretended i didn't care that i didnt get to ride Indiana Jones so that i could stay with him because he wanted to watch the water coming out of a bamboo pipe over by the tiki room waiting area.
I gave him my Dole Whip the one and only treat i really had been craving so he would stop crying.
On the last day as we headed out to the trams my son tired, loopy, sleepy, half smiling as i carried him said "happy, me"
I stopped and said "your happy?"
He said YES
My son was happy and he was TELLING me with words, and he was looking me in the eye and being so cute and so loving.It was all worth it , all the pain, and the exhaustion. All for love. I wanted that moment to last forever and it has in my mind.

Some things last. Like that memory.

Praise to The Lord for all my children whom are my life. My joy . And my example.
That i would be good. A good mother. To great children.
what a blessing.
S.O.T.D.
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. (Joshua 1:9 )
EVEN AT DISNEYLAND :)
Goodnight

THE HOUR IS LATE

So yesterday went really well with taking 7 kids to church and all lol. Then later in the afternoon i took them all to the bowling alley and it was alot of fun. The Rock loves to bowl and usually bowls about 6 or 7 games to every 1 of the other kids.
Then at the end of bowling all the kids were running in different directions and as i was trying to gather everyone together The Rock ran all the way to the end of the alley by the door , so i went down there and all the kids followed. Some lady who works there came over and tried to make a comment that i was leaving and needed to finish up paying for the rest of the games. I just looked at her like are you serious? Like im going to try and walk out with 7 kids and not pay, and further more i wasn't even out the door or anything just at the end of the alley. I was really ticked and told her that she should not say things like that unless they see someone actually leaving like out the door. She did seem kind of embarrassed after she i think saw i was merely chasing down my gang of kids.
Then we came home and kids finished up bathing and homework and sparingly it wasnt to bad getting everyone to sleep.
I finally racked out after laying in bed wide awake and just thinking...about so many many things. I keep myself awake when i should be falling asleep.
And of course today i am tired :)
I actually made a attempt to sit on the couch, then to lay on the couch this afternoon during this small break before the afternoon pick up onslaught begins..but it lasted only about 10 minutes and then a call came in i had to take. SIGH. So much for a quick rest. I have just a little bit of time until i have to go so i thought maybe i should take advantage and write for a minute or two....i did get word that Highlander is probably going to be flying in sometime on Halloween day :) so i am happy about that and i hope it really happens. I don't take for granite the times we get to do holidays etc together cause there are so many we spend apart.
I am really tired of doing things alone.
The last 5 years have been insane as far as the pace and i really really wish it would come to a end and that we could feel relaxed and not have to be looking to the horizon and seeing when we are going to part again.
I am sorry i did not update about the weight loss, its about 5 or 6 pounds it was kind of between the 2 which is you know not amazing but its not nothing either...lol. I just hope i can actually do this. I am so not a skinny girl by any means lol. But i am determined to see this through.
People dont see how much weight i can stand to lose cause i do tend to carry my weight evenly , as in all over, and the weird crappy thing that happens is that when i start to actually lose, i get really weird shaped cause i get very small up by my ribs but my bottom belly then appears to protrude more , its really gross actually lol. After 4 c section my stomach is destroyed. It wont like EVER just flatten out again . I lost 51 pounds the first Iraq go around and even though i looked good that damn c section gut was still hanging on ugh.
I look around at people and wish i had more chance to like do my hair or even makeup to dress a little better, but truth is , my lifestyle is alot of running lol so that kind of attire doesn't always fit to good. I do make some efforts on Sunday which has been a conscious thing for me and i think its good. I am in process of slowly updating my wardrobe piece by piece.
I have a awesome idea for something i want to do or my kids this Christmas. I want to create a computer station that has 4 computers (netbooks) and 2 printers . That way each kid will have their "own" i think they are going to LOVE it when its finished!
After all the kids get out I'm dropping Herb and a friend at the skate park for a bit. My taxi days are never dull...ill try to write more later.
WOW i could not finish this post yesterday cause i had to exit stage left for the Er with The Rock basically he has an infected saliva gland but he has meds and i hope all will clear up soon, this is all from yesterday for the most part but since i had already drafted it and I'm too tired to post anything else tonight I'm signing off . I promise to write a better blog tomorrow lol. The hour is late and even insomniacs are being called to the sheep.
S.O.T.D.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ......... No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow -- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below -- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:35 - 39

Pack your bags we are going on a trip

Hillary: I don't even remember what it was I was mad about and I don't care. Whatever it was that you did, I forgive you.
CC Bloom: What I did? You and your lousy letters. Just to get one of them made me special even before I opened it. All your crappy stories, all your big dreams.
Hillary: I didn't know that.
CC Bloom: Well, what the hell did you know? Did you know how bad things were for me? No, because you wouldn't even open my letters. If you had even answered one, just one! Told me what a jerk I was, anything! But you didn't. You took your friendship away without even discussing it with me. So, thank you very much for forgiving me. But I don't forgive you.
Hillary: I was jealous. I was so jealous of you I couldn't see straight! You did everything you said you were going to do, everything! And your talent, this incredible talent! I can't even yodel!
---Beaches---

I always find myself somehow on the end of a phone giving strong advice to weak situations.
Look. People ...dammit..you know what they are going to hurt you. They just are. They are going to make you cry and make you wonder and make you lay awake in bed asking yourself why...
what did i do. And maybe you know what you did, if that's you then your lucky. But most of the time your left holding a brown paper bag that the bottom has fallen out of and you have nothing left but for some reason you cant let go of the bag, cause it all you have left.
We love to pack our bags and go on guilt trips. For crimes we may or may not have committed.
All betrayal of any kind begins with trust. At some point you decided to trust somebody with a part of you, and a piece of your heart. You let somebody in.
All i can say is that we take chances, and some times you know we lose. We cant possibly know all the whys.
From experience we like to blame ourselves first. But my experience has also taught me it usually IS them and not you.
People can be thief's. They come and bring us some our greatest joys and leave us in some of our most blinding pain. When you give yourself its all sorts of scary what can happen when you find yourself suddenly alone carrying your whole relationship or sometimes your life in a suitcase.
You have to know that you are going to hurt. and then your going to kind of go into a mode where your numb, and eventually the wind blows and life heads you off onto another path, and there are more people and the cycle begins anew.
Own what part of the story is really yours. And the rest you have to file it away for another day.
I would be dead of a broken heart right now if i didn't do those things.
I didn't always lean to the Lord for my strength, for many years when i had fallen into shadow i just leaned on myself, and i learned the hard way that try as you might , you cant please everybody.
People either come with us on our journey or they stop somewhere and wave goodbye while we keep on going.
It doesn't mean anything except it is a volume in our library that we finally have a title for and know where to put it.
And sometimes the path winds around back onto itself and we meet that person again and hope springs anew..but even that has its own pain, for we can never step into the same river twice.
After finding my friend umm..we will call him comic book hero...after a decade of being apart i found my heart racing ecstatic, but as time has gone on i feel the weight of the years and all the love is still there but its almost too much for me to handle. In his presence i am overtaken with a kindred spirit and friendship...in some other life i think he was probably a sibling of mine :)..but he is married now and has a life and well although what we share is so Innocent i know the world nor his wife could handle it. So now i watch from a distance for the most part, but in my heart you know it doesn't matter where we are today, it doesn't diminish the flame of light he brought into my life during the time we were in each others daily life. It just means we are on other paths now. And i love him now as i did then, but we both know somehow its never going to be the same.
There are some people who just come into your life for a short while and they serve that purpose and then they have to go. Rarely is it a clean break. Nothing deep ever is.
So then where do you go from that moment..the moment where u know its over and u gotta pack that bag. I think maybe you just start walking ...

What did i learn today?Who invented bowling?
It appears the ancient Egyptians invented the sport of tossing a ball down an alley and listening to the oddly satisfying crash of pins. Archaeologist Sir Flinders Petrie discovered bowling balls and pins in the grave of an Egyptian child from 5200 BC. This seems to be the oldest evidence of the sport and a likely origin, although German historian William Pehle claims the sport originated in his country around 300 AD.
So know we know....
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
Finally, brothers, rejoice. Be restored, be encouraged, be of the same mind, be at peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you.
2 Corinthians 13:11

Gratitude 101 The follow up post

I was sent something encouraging in regards to my last post and i had to read it several times because of course its right. In the end it doesnt matter if gratitude is shown by man what matters is of course where we understand our role lies in the bigger picture.
"""Render service with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not to men and women, knowing that whatever good we do, we will receive the same again from the Lord, whether we are slaves or free." (Ephesians 6:7-8, NRSV)
Sometimes I've forgotten whom I really serve. When people are ungrateful, I want to tell them off and quit. But then God reminds me that he is the one who called me. That I am serving him first of all.
You and I serve God, not people -- really. We are mediators of God's love for them, and if, by God's grace, that love can flow through us in spite of our hurts, in spite of our buffeting, then we can continue to minister to them on behalf of God. But if Satan can shut off the love, he has neutralized us.
There are way too many insensitive, critical, ungrateful people. Maybe that's all they know of Christianity. By our example, we can begin to change that. Yes, we can! We can begin to establish a new pattern of thanks and support. Of caring and appreciation. We can set a pattern of love, by which outsiders can discern that we are indeed Jesus' disciples (John 13:35). It starts with me -- and you.
One passage of scripture sticks in my head and plays itself over and over. Let me share it with you, that it might repeat itself in your brain until it does its work:
"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain" (1 Corinthians 15:58, RSV)."

Sigh. SO TRUE ! We have to remember we ultimately are not serving him or her or them, we are serving the Lord. And the higher calling we have needs to make us be bigger than what we feel when others don't appreciate what we do.

Gratitude 101

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.

You know what i was really upset all day with somebody that has been really ungrateful. But as much as i could say and the little i could do , im not.
I'm going to choose to bless this person even more and i am going to pray that this person come to a more mature and stable place in their life.
Being that i am exhausted i just am going to fade out tonight.
What did i learn today
That we just have to do what we can and give the rest to the Lord.
S.O.T.D.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Sugar cubes, Halloween costumes and brain freeze..in that order.

So what was up with last nights post? Well that was the second time in 6 months that someone wrote me in regards to my "perfect" life. I guess on one level it annoys me that people think that and on the other worries me that i sound like I'm over here eating sugar cubes (which by the way i am going to build a sugar cube house this xmas see above pic lol)cause my life is so "sweet". And then lets not forget about when i hear that I'm being TOO depressing. WTH? I guess no matter what there will be somebody out there who just cant hang. But on some serious level i can only hope that by reading that one can see that you know there are ups and downs and everything in between. Its life! Of course my spirit is better and mind somewhat more clear with having my spouse home rather than deployed and yes i love him to bits but don't think there are not days i don't want to strangle him because of course there are...hello...we are married with 4 kids and have a erratic crazy army life. But i guess i am choosing to write as it comes..but the next time my life starts to go to hell in a hand basket ill be sure to let everybody know..
What really trips me out is i only have 1 official follower and lots of stealth followers and then of course just straight blog stalkers. so i get these messages and its like what?? Your reading my blog? I didn't even know. Don't ask why I'm surprised i mean i am airing out a window to my life but i guess it is weird that anybody even cares lol.
So enough about all that hullabaloo and on to more important subjects like what the heck is The Rock going to be for halloween?? I "want" him to be a Robot but i am worried he wont be able to handle the costume. You see finding a costume for a kid with sensory integration issues is a nightmare. You literally have no clue. I go looking at costumes and its like straight out the gate 90 % of them are a no go. Too itchy or scratchy or to much around the neck, or things that go on the head that he wont wear . To loose or to long. Or to may pieces, the list goes on and it makes me feel exasperated. Its really kind of stupid because im the only one who cares if he dresses up or not, he could care less. This really isn't about him ..its more about me wanting to have a "experience" i guess...the joy of taking pictures of my kids in their costumes. Things most people just take for granite I'm up pacing the floor about....sigh. (That i would be good even if he wears no costume.)
I have already dressed and he has undressed himself 3 times this morning before 11 am. Its frustrating.
Once he goes to school i am going treasure hunting for just a bit to see if i can find anything to make the robot work for him...i looked online at some peoples pictures who had made really nice ones, and also people who made their very own Thomas the train...then i remembered ummm yeah i don't have Highlander here to help build anything that fancy...he will miss Halloween AGAIN this year...blah.
I did not find anything for the costume but got myself 3 things and picked up a birthday gift for a friends bday party this weekend/i just hope she likes it.
I wanted to write more but i have a headache so im closing out with this bit of wisdom...
“Because you understand ‘one’, you think that you also understand ‘two’, because ‘one’ and ‘one’ make ‘two’, but you must also understand the ‘and’.”
So what exactly is brain freeze?
A Brain Freeze, also known as Ice-cream headache, cold-stimulus headache,[1] or its given scientific name sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia (meaning "nerve pain of the sphenopalatine ganglion"), is a form of brief cranial pain or headache commonly associated with consumption (particularly quick consumption) of cold beverages or foods such as ice cream and Popsicles. It is caused by having something cold touch the roof of the mouth (palate), and is believed to result from a nerve response causing rapid constriction and swelling of blood vessels[2] or a "referring" of pain from the roof of the mouth to the head.
And now we all know ...but are we wiser ...hmmmmmmmm lol
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation."Luke 22:40

FLASHBACK

"you CANT understand your life and marriage are PERFECT!!!!"
Excerpt taken from an email i recv this morning. sigh.
I sat on the fence all day about this one..but i decided examples are powerful. So here i cut and paste a blog entry from the OTHER blog...time can do so much, this was a little over a year ago.
I am not perfect nor is my marriage ..we are human , we have bad days , bad moments, hell in our lifestyle sometimes we have bad YEARS.
But grace be to God for he is mighty to save.

ok here goes I changed out the names only
Sunday, 30 August 2009

[after swiftly dispatching another gladiator]
Maximus Decimus Meridius: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

(GLADIATOR)

Its been a rough week. With school started, still no word from my husband and one of the most debilitating migraines i can ever remember having i am glad that it is behind me now.

I am struggling with the pillow who is having a incredibly rough time with Highlander being gone and not talking to him for so long. Its like she is out of control half the day and inconsolable the other. I KNOW what it is that fuels her. Its anger its sadness its erratic energy with no place to let go. I feel her pain. Yesterday we took The Rock and Pillow to the weekend hourly care for a break so that the 2 older kids could have some fun without having to worry about leaving a movie or dinner early due to one or the other lil ones not being able to make it all the way through. After sitting through a painful session of Disney g-force (talking secret agent guinea pigs) we met at the px with ----- our only friend in El Paso to have a quick bite. Towards the end my focus came upon a family of 4 mom dad and 2 sons. I can always spot a soldier on his r & r leave. The first thing i see is somebody who appears beat down, and then you can tell this couple has been together for a long time not newlyweds or anything yet the soldier is being overly touchy feely, rubbing wife's back, touching top of kids heads, holding wife's hand. You see other couples walk right past, another family of 4, barely looking at each other engrossed in thought of what they need to go buy and what laundry needs to be put away when they go home, never even taking a second glance at who is by their side. We take for granite. Yes we do.

Somebody wrote me out of the blue after my last blog and asked am i witnessing the end here? The end of 2 people who i admire and really look up to? TRUTH is i don't know. These things never come with trumpets blaring and banners unfurled, no they come in unexpected and stealth moments when we least expect it. I can only tell you the day of demise in my last marriage, i did not wake up that day thinking it was going to be the beginning of the end, but that is exactly the way it turned out. Probably has to happen that way you know, or else we would all come prepared with a sack lunch prepared to stay awhile and battle to the bitter end.

In church today pastor Gary said, God is not so concerned with your situation as he is your character. As i was trying to work through all this and explain a little deeper to ----- all that has transpired the past few years , i went back to several of my blogs that were written years ago, when Highlander was in Iraq the last time and when he came home. I reread what one of our friends and one of Highlanders fellow comrades wrote about him in a blog HE was keeping during that time, it really gives keen insight not only into Highlanders character but why it is i cant compete with his job and why he cannot or will not? Be divided in his efforts to keep balance at home and on the war front. Because well he checks out of one life into the other. Its Clark Kent/superman at its finest. Only the phone booth is actually the plane he loads headed out to Kuwait to begin the transformation.

"SSG Highlander (Army Pathfinder, Air Assault)
1st Squad Leader. Silent, professional and extremely proficient, SSG Highlander is a force to be reckoned with. A light fighter from previous experience, he nevertheless mastered every aspect of mechanized fighting in less time than it said to say "holy crap, where did this guy come from?!" which is exactly what we all said when we first met him at JRTC. Everything that he touches, he has mastered fully, living up to his namesake. Truly unique, I have never met a soldier of his caliber anywhere else in my entire career. He is possessed of a markedly reserved but amazing sense of humor. Patient and observant, he has earned the undying loyalty and respect of the entire company. A dedicated family man, lover of music and tattoo artist as a hobby. There is not a man in this Brigade who would not follow this man to the ends of the earth and beyond.

-----------

So it was then as it is now that he is in THAT place. The one where people follow him and he is important and needed and valuable. Funny because i feel the same way about his presence here in the home, but to him, it is not even a comparison.Its why these guys come home and ride their motorcycle as fast as it can go.

It was said once by chaplain Hawkins or chaplain Murray i cant remember which that to be in this line of work is to spend YEARS away from your spouse, so you better be better than the next man on the block. you better stand out. you better make the effort, because it has to sustain you through long periods of drought, and i would say, that that term should be tattooed on every married soldier when they enter into service because its true. I know some will read this and think i am being harsh, some would say to me, oh but its his JOB! you knew when you married him.....ah.....yes...yes i did.

Highlander is not a bad man. and I love him very deeply but he is troubled by all that has come to pass and all that still haunts his dreams. Another excerpt from my friends blog during that last deployment

Insurgents blew a large IED south of 425 yesterday afternoon as our convoy drove by. The charge was buried deep a few feet from the road. The blast missed the vehicles but the fragmentation pierced straight through the outlying wall of a nearby house and struck a middle aged woman as she was doing her laundry in the courtyard, tearing her abdomen open and blowing out her internal organs. Doc, Scoutten and Highlander worked on her as her children watched in horrified silence. She never had a chance and died almost immediately

I won't get into it any more than that...I'm still sorting it out..."

To this day Highlander still dreams about her. Always the same, she ends up dying.... he cant save her and she is always talking to him in Iraqi and he cant understand what she is saying . Also on a interesting notation since he has been in Iraq, every time he dreams of her she keeps getting younger than she was in the previous dream.

I am not equipped. I cannot save him. Just like he cannot save her.Its a wicked wicked game.

I apologize this has been lengthy, and that as of late the subject dim, but this is life. Sometimes we are riding the crest and other times we are being drug under by the undertow.

I am still praying but i find myself more unfocused than i want to be, relying on God to read the words in my heart rather than hear what is spilling out of my mouth. For only then will any of it make any sense.

He knows my name,
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls,
And hears me when I call. (lyrics from he knows my name)

I can clearly remember the day that i got the word that Highlander had loaded the helicopter headed out of Fob Gabe into Kuwait, on his way to the journey towards home. I could almost hear the whining cutting sound of the blades, a sound i know well because i used to work for a helicopter company when i lived in Hawaii. I pictured my husband lifting away from that place, leaving much of who he was before he arrived there behind. Dave, Noah, Billy, that woman from the courtyard and many more who were not going home. The crushing feeling i still get when i think about that moment, that year, this year and all the years in between. Its like there was a life before all that but i cannot recall it, its like my memory starts the day i waved goodbye all those years ago in the dark cold morning at 2-69 company area. The feeling i had when it was the day that they were coming home! The grateful heart.... the grateful soul, the compassionate thread that i wanted to bind up invisible wounds with. Why does it take living on the edge to produce this?

What has happened to me? This isn't who i am. I'm not trying to falter, i dont want to fail. Hear me oh God and know that my heart is in true pain and that i need you to uphold me.

Good evening all, and a thank you to ------------- blog for the quotes and the ability to read some things that really SHOULD be written down as so to not ever forget. Never forget.


S.O.T.D
Mark 3:10-11
For he had healed many; in so much that they pressed upon him for to touch him

So now what did YOU learn today.

Goodnight

The King of hearts..

Senior Ed Bloom: They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.
Big Fish

So he is gone.....
Dropped him off at horrid early hour , came home and i don't feel good at all. Whatever has been nagging at me has finally caught me and i feel like total crud.
I was surprised at how genuine Highlander seemed to be when it came to saying ill be seeing you...i could tell he was already missing me..us...kids...i know he has been home half a year already but it seems like only a few months at best ..time just speeds up when you are with the one you love. After spending a year apart this is a walk in the park, but still i wont lie, its comforting to see that my husband is just as attached to me as i am him he is the King of my heart. We must have hugged about 7 times before finally letting go and i wasn't even down the road before i got the first of many text messages today telling me all sorts of sweet and loving things. It truly made my day, for all his rough edges he still amazes me when he wants to. :)
He will be gone for his bday so we will celebrate when he comes back.
I have been super lazy today , as a matter of fact i cannot even recall a time when i was last this lazy, i just dont feel well.
Making a quick and easy dinner and then pajamas and hopefully a good nights rest tonight.
Going to start looking for a new larger dining room table. I am way to picky and cheap those things could prove to be trouble on my search. Highlander was going to build me a table but we decided against that idea because buying all the chairs separate and having them shipped was way to expensive.
So update on my journey ..my very slow slow journey lol to lose 40 pounds for the Lord himself directed me to..had a few setbacks with kids being sick and not being able to make it to the gym , and Highlanders dad being here for a few weeks but i am still progressing. I will weigh in on Friday for a number to post , just know good things can come in small numbers lol . :)
What i learned today pondering the King of hearts but this time on playing cards..
Why is the king of hearts the only king without a moustache?
Diamonds, clubs and spades are by association linked respectively with the corruption of wealth, war and death. In contrast, the heart as an organ is pure, open, undisguised - it does not wear artifice - hence the clean-shaven King of Hearts.
s.o.t.d.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
Song of Solomon 8:7