Michael Stipe with Coldplay - In The Sun

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
’cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me

May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you

I would do anything for sleep but....i cant do that

Sometimes my life is like The Scream above...
My son doesn't sleep. Like ever. His battery  never dies , his body never fails him, we should all be so lucky.
Except i am not that lucky and i am tired.I took him to the psychologist today and they want to prescribe Ritalin. He has PDD-NOS which  causes him to be very busy almost hyper...its exhausting he never stops EVER. But i cant do Ritalin, its just not an option.Ritalin by its nature is a stimulant its not going to help him sleep...his behavior his excitability his hyperness i can handle, but no sleep is becoming a bad issue but i am not willing to give up all the hard work and recovery we have done up unto this point bringing him out of an autistic wasteland back into the light so that a little pill can turn him into a vegetable. Hell he doesn't even eat vegetables lol
I would rather stay awake all night every night and him bright and shiny than be well rested but get a blank stare. I am not naive i know if things get worse or he cant function in school then we may to explore more options..but the thing i don't get is how i walk in looking for something for sleep only and walk out with him writing up a RX for Ritalin 3 x a day every day...makes no sense.
We have done melatonin, baths, turning out all lights, cutting off TV video games and any other stimulating stuff, limited sugar dyes and other fun stuff in the diet. Truth is none of it matters. He is like the energizer bunny, as i type this he is off somewhere in his room playing toys and getting into books. When i get off he will lay down we will read the great green room and then the countdown begins as to when he will nod off...its insane. They wont give him sleep meds but here kid have some Ritalin...sigh x 1000
Its a tough job being a mom everyday something ...tom Season gets her braces on.
I feel insanely lost and off the radar lately
and yet everything under the sun seems to find me
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.” (1 Peter 5:8-9)

So back to square one and the drawing board.
May Gods love be with you.......always

It was never about the hat

For the past 2 years i have constantly told my son Herb to take off his hat when he enters a building....out of respect.

But he fails to understand why i need for him to do this, and really he doesn't do it unless i harp on him or he knows i am looking.

But

Its what we do when nobody is looking that is our true character

I had a young man in my house this weekend a friend of my sons who i don't know too well, but he always seems polite and i don't mind him. Well when i gave out ice cream bars to everyone he stopped to pray before he ate it. When asked why, he told my son because my parents say you should always give thanks for the food you are about to eat..even an ice cream bar.

Nobody made him. Nobody was here to remind him. Nobody would have told his parents if he had chose not to say prayer. 

He did this because he is an obedient son.

I pointed this out to my son in what seemed like the umpteenth argument about why we don't wear hats inside, that i don't care if he really doesn't understand the"why" but what i do care about is that he doesn't understand the concept of obedience. 

If you are willing to disobey in the small things, its more than easy to disobey in the large things.

I have caught him oh so many many times wearing his hat when I'm not there, seen it in pictures and watched him whisk it off just as i pull into eyesight.

But its not my eyes he needs to be worried about.

And it has never REALLY been about the hat.

Its been a really really long test that he continues to fail because like most of us being obedient actually does not come naturally, its a process that requires more than just our mind it requires our heart.

If  he cant take his hat off out of respect then at least take it off because your MOTHER has asked you too.

Your mother who loves you cares for you fights for you lives for you and has never steered you wrong has ASKED you too.

"True obedience is true freedom.”

How can i give rights, give trust, give freedom if at the most basic levels the smallest requests i am being snow blown,.

Truth is i cant and i wont.

I think that finally after all these years he understands it was never really about the hat

s.o.t.d.
My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.
(Proverbs 6:20 ESV)

Wait they dont love you like i love you...and why we should all buy cheese

Pack up
I'm straight
Enough
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say
Oh, say say say

Wait, they don't love you like i love you
Wait, they don't love you like i love you


They don't  care how long they keep you waiting. what a week...
Slam packed once again with everything and yet nothing. 
FINALLY i hope this months on end go to the field pattern has come to a small hiatus.
Damn Army. 
Stopped at a cute bakery, was prepared to buy pastries cakes etc and my son says what about some cheese mom, good cheese, tasty cheese, we haven't done that for awhile.And i don't know why? Because somehow i determined it was to expensive? Or we didn't need it? But we deserve it, and we love it and it was worth it, and we really should do that more often. But it took being reminded that something so simple as good cheese can make you feel like a million bucks. We overlook the simple paths sometimes....leave it to a kid to relight a snuffed out candle. It was a wonderful moment short but a great one. Gourmet food shopping is something i enjoy with my kids, they amaze me with their couture for food and travel and yet i know where they got this...:). They are mature in so so many ways, and watching my son select cheese as funny as it sounds was so neat, he was so confident and asking me for my thoughts on what he was suggesting...and then when we come home he slices it and puts it with crackers and makes some into a lovely grilled cheese sandwich he then splits up so that everyone can have a taste...it was bonding and sharing and at very LITTLE cost..and inspiring...
I have hired a tutor for math for Herb to  the lovely tune of 300 bucks a month which believe it or not is a fair shake and the guy is a certified teacher...hopefully it gets the job done cause my kid needs to pass. He is flying high in all other subjects but math is killing him. and me.
I tackle most problems with the same mindset work smart not hard.Sure there are probably cheaper ways to go,but this is going to be alot of bang for the buck because the taks test is in April. Besides i save money in almost EVERYTHING so that when i have to its there for other things. This must qualify as "other things" aka the s$%^& has hit the fan quick lets throw money at it cause we need it fixed quick.
went to the kids book fair at school today, bought a random kid a 16.00 book called silverlicious , she had no money and my heart about couldn't take it when i saw another small kid give her a dollar so cheerfully...and she had 2 pencils in her hand i said honey do you want a book, and she said yes, i said which one, she immediately yelled silverlicious and smiled and i said hurry go get it. I don't even know her name...but she left clutching that book practically floating on air and she stopped turned around and said thank you soooo much. 
sigh
Kill my heart
cause that is what alot of days are like for me
I'm searching for a knee brace for a 19 year old horse out at the barn who belongs to a lady who if i ever saw an angel for animals probably qualifies. She gives everything she has to those horses and she takes in rescues and horses that would prob go to slaughter. 
19 year old horse and a kid i don't know
but God put them in my path
And how you know do you HEAR the need and do nothing if you CAN .
I know i cannot turn my head. 
I only know that its all a cycle i give i get i give more i get more and it never ever ends
God he really is THAT good.
I used to worry so much how one turn affects another and all the whys and hows and what ifs
But i never had control of any of that to begin with.
I don't want time to go by so quickly...its leading me to deep water...
and I'm kinda tired
and i know how exhausting it is to tread in deep water
I know it now like the back of my hand
Didn't i JUST get to the place where i could finally touch bottom again?
Most things they just don't last i guess
In my old age its always some wistful thought that i decide right about now yeah..
ill think about that some other day
not tonight
Goodnight.
s.o.t.d

. . . in paths that they have not known
    I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do,
    and I do not forsake them.

(Isaiah 42:16)

He was the best of the best that our country has to offer

Well its here love day/ Daves day. And i realized something today , which is that i thought about David and Deedy all day. I came out into the kitchen this morning drinking my coffee and spending a time of reflection as it seems i always do on this day now...and probably always will.
I reflect on so many things , that i still pray faithfully for Deedy who is raising their 3 kids one of whom is ready to graduate high school. I reflect on the tray of tacos and burritos i made the day it was my "turn" to take Deedy and the kids dinner after the loss...how i drove so slow going to their house because i was trying to compose myself, wasn't even supposed to be driving yet as pillow wasn't even a week old and i was recovering from my csection still. How very "real" everything felt. How in that time and place i grew up and yet i thought i was grown already...how much i uphold the memory of Deedy being ridiculously strong and even being there for all of US when in my mind i couldn't even stand up straight because i was suddenly terrified of the fact that there was a very real chance that Highlander could die. Dave died and he was larger than life....he wasn't even in Iraq but about 3 days before his light was turned out.
I lost 51 pounds that year.
I returned to church full time.
I had another baby
We lost more people
Everything i knew before was gone
and here i am and the daughter who was just born at the start of that deployment is now 6 and another a third deployment is on our horizon same war different year...
and you know i go to Deedys facebook page and i sit there and nothing comes, i type i erase i type again.I settle on some heart in the sky picture even though it is inadequate of how i really feel still....after all these years ...
I am truly and deeply thankful, and grateful on so many levels for the sacrifice of this American family,who like so many are living every day without their loved ones because they answered the call that was asked of them.
Every year i reread the article Joe Galloway posted about David and its always the last lines that stay with me
"He was the best of the best that our country has to offer. All America should mourn his loss."
And i do Joe i really do mourn his loss and i always will.
What i take away every year from this loss is the acknowledgement that life is so short, none of knows when we will be called home.
It terrifies me and drives me to my knees in prayer for my own husbands safety, and makes me rejoice and give praise for men like SFC David Salie who continued to head into dangerous situations without a second thought because well he really believed in what he did. He was truly faithful.
and so i close this as i probably will many more years with a heartfelt teary eyed thankful heart, a heart that loves deeply and will not soon forget why today is Daves day.
-a copy of full article by Joe Galloway can be found here 
http://www.military.com/Opinions/0,,Galloway_021605,00.html
s.o.t.d.
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13

s.o.t.d.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal

The sound of scissors,the great green room and why the pants have to be just right

You don't understand. Hell i don't REALLY understand..well some days i do but most days i don't.
I cannot just BUY anything for my son The Rock.It has to be JUST right . As in Goldilocks and the 3 bears porridge just right. His pants have to hit right at the ankle, so i cannot buy them to big , he cant stand to feel the pants touch the top of his foot so i usually have to put his socks on first then pants. The pants MUST be soft movable and cannot be restrictive. He hates anything with a hood unless the wind is blowing really bad and then he will only wear it till he makes inside at which point it is immediately stripped off. He will FINALLY after almost a year in the trying, wear a shirt with a collar IF its super soft cotton or organic.
 He spends 90 % of his time at home in his birthday suit because well... to him clothes are a suggestion not necessary. He doesn't care WHAT character is on the article of clothing or shoes that makes no emotional plea to him nor make him want to put it on any more than he has too.
Coats are out of the question. Jeans must be as thin as possible. He likes thermal pajamas because they fit snug to the body providing what i suspect is some sort of slight compression which he in general enjoys. He will often approach me and ask me to do squeeze, which is what we do when he is upset feels ungrounded or is acting erratic.
He stays awake most nights till 11pm if not later, propelling himself with self stimulation, toe walking and constant movement to stay awake. BTW its the only time he toe walks anymore-when he is tired or if he is on concrete he will too.
All tags must be cut out.
Any hanging strings unnerve him.
He has never had his hair cut by anyone but me and that is an interesting experience in and of itself because the sound of scissors makes him cringe.
we end all nights with me reading him what he calls the great green room.
Not goodnight moon.
no
The great green room, where he stops to count the 3 little bears sitting on chairs
and watches me intently for the end of the story because i then say goodnight to several objects in the room and last its goodnight to him.
There are 500 steps to everything i do with him, and they cannot be avoided changed missed or excluded.
They require patience precision and endurance.
This is not for the weak.
Autism /pdd-nos it really doesnt matter
He is still my son
Goodnight
s.o.t.d.
God says in James 1:2 to consider it joy when we encounter trials. Notice that God does not say if but when.

In bloom

I cant climb higher if i tried
couldnt run faster if i lied
Sensing every thing you say
is meant for me
in the perfect way
and i am just a bird chirping
Time standing off to one side lurking
Waiting
For its coming
Thunder rolling in and humming
An inaudible tune
But i am still in bloom
because
you loved me
first

s.o.t.d
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 

This love ,all the why's and no excuse except everything for not blogging

Well another day bites the dust. EXHAUSTED doesn't even begin to cover it. The filly Rumours has taken up a BIG chunk of my time getting her all squared away, and also getting ready for the FAST approaching launch of my business. ...plus its the Pillows bday party Friday night and as usual my hubby has been in the field m-f and wont be home till about an hour before her party starts.
I am so tired of him being gone.
I am really tired of the honey do list getting longer and the time he will be here getting shorter already...
10,000 sighs and not a drop of sympathy to spare.
Most people take having their spouse home for granite, maybe even get annoyed with them being around, lol not me i wait and wait and wait ...
It was brought to my  attention i need to blog more, i know i know
You just have NO idea what my days are consisting of . when i say i never stop i mean it. I really do.
But
in the end
i would rather have a life of meaning
than not
Some people ask me but why? I mean why push so hard why why why
Truth
I guess because i need to get it all in somehow
None of us know when our time here could be up
We always think there is another day...and maybe there is and maybe there isn't..
I will be alone again on love day. Dave's day. The day David died. And maybe someday it will be both again.
But for now its not, and maybe you know its the impact of it, the finality that lives on past all that the lesson that says love deeply, right now, while we can.
Somebody asked me if i have ever loved anybody else like i love Highlander.
The truth is no. I have loved on many levels.. but this love...
it completes me
it moves me
it comforts me
and defines why i still think its all worth it. And maybe people are afraid of the truth, that true love is worth it, that its all its cracked up to be, but as exhilarating as it is it can carry the ultimate pain.
We have talked about what would happen if the other one of us died. My heart it would go on but my soul would be sold..
and him all he said is
his heart would stop beating without me.
I just pray for Deedy still, for comfort, for maybe a chance to love again, but i know why she doesn't,
I really do.
S.O.T.D.
 "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong.


II Corinthians 12:9-10)